Tom Swierzbinski
06-11-2006, 04:11 AM
Mods, delete this if the mood takes you. Fellow members of cannabis.com, take the piss if you will. Noobs, flame me if you want. I dont care, I just need to vent all of this out.
cant sleep. too many things running through my mind. as usual. what if i didnt tell you what i said earlier? what if i kept it a secret? would you get used to me and start doing all them things, or are you someone who would never do any of that? do you still love me? how long will you love me for? are we going to be able to meet up as mates without letting lust take over? i know i wouldnt be able to.
if i kept my mouth shut, would you have slept over tonight? would anything have happened? would you have started exploring my body - or were you never going to do that anyway? what happens if we get drunk and sleep together? will we regret it, accept it and move on, not be able to talk to eachother again? fuck i dont know what to do. been picking at my arm. i love watching the blood run down. its so warm. it just makes me feel so alive when i cut myself. i love watching the blood run down my arm, it reminds me that im still alive and that i can be hurt at any time.
ha, like i need blood to remind me of that.
im rambling again. in two minds as to whether to send you this or not. no, i havent been drinking again. or smoking. well, i have been smoking, but only cigarettes.
drunk too much earlier. things got out of hand. cant believe i slapped my dad, but then again, he thought i was joking so he deserved it in a way.
fuck sake. i wish i was in your arms making love to you right now under the stars. fuck it, i need a fag and a drink. alcohol and nicotine, the perfect combination. if i cant kill myself by running a knife across my wrist, at least i can kill myself slowly by poisoning this ugly body. its more painful that way, and thats the least i deserve.
if you look deep enough, all youll see is that (however bad this sounds) i want my body to be worshipped. in every relationship ive been in ive always been the one with the wandering hands. ive always been the one to make the first move (sexually). not once has a girl just stripped me down and made me come. well, youve done the first part, but then you get bored. actually, you dont get bored, its because of that twat that abused you. fucking cunt. i swear to god if i ever come across him, ill rip him limb from fucking limb, and ill laugh while hes crying in pain. ill look him in the eye and say 'this is for emily' right before i chop his fucking cock off. people like that should not be allowed to have kids.
running out of matches. see, told you ill need them sometime.
still dont know whether to send you this or not. i think i will, as you said we should be more open with eachother. well, im being open with you. parents are gonna bollock me in the morning for smoking rollups in the lounge. well, theyll just get a mouthful back. ha, one dead mozzie. fucking bastard chomping on my ear. have a slap, you fucker. at least its had its last meal, and i hope it tasted damn fine cos it wont be getting any more of me.
no more Nytol left either. great, ill probably be in bed all tomorrow. starting to regret snapping my SIM card in two aswell, just because you might send me a text sometime saying 'i still love you'. fuck, ive lost all the other texts from you now. bollocks.
christ i swear a lot. and i blaspheme a lot aswell. fuck it, if there really is a god then he/she/it is an evil cunt. cant even imagine what satan will be like then. you know what, i worked religion out once. its all a load of bollocks. i think thats what made me shoot myself, because i talked about religion to my mum for hours just before i did that. she had no reason to suspect i was about to top myself. starting to wish i succeeded, then i wouldnt put you through all this pain. jesus im fucked up in the head. need to go on some form of medication, but theres no way that im going back on them. anyone forces me to take anything and theyll die before me.
ill admit it. im a sex whore. i want it all and i want it right now, with you. i want you to hold me, make love to me, use and abuse me. i want everything and i want it now. dont you want me? because i sure as hell want you. i want you on top of me, below me, all around me. maybe ill just clone you and wait until one of you becomes a nymphomaniac, a sex addict, a whore. i need you, i want you.
fucking hell listen to me. im turning into david for christ sake. id rather be an emo than turn into that obsessed dick. i wonder what my obsessions are? thats another email though.
jeez ive written a lot. cant think of anything else to write. why is it that in a relationship no-one can understand what I need, what I want? with rachel it was the same, except that cheating whore lied about being raped. anyone who lies about something like that deserves to actually be raped. sick fuckers.
im sorry i dont like gothic clothes. im sorry i dont like your music. im sorry im not playful. im sorry i lied about not wanting to have sex each time we meet. its not because i want an orgasm, for me its only 10% physical. the other 90% is mental. fuck this, why am i apologising? im always apoligising at the end of a relationship. you know what, im not fucking sorry. is it that fucking hard to understand that i need some pleasure now and again? i really dont care if you dont like giving head/hand etc. actually, i remember you saying that you can give handjobs. well, you never once acted upon that, and youve had loads of chances to do it. youre just a liar. i dont need another liar in my life, ive already got me HA! anyway, is it really that hard to understand that i want some pleasure - and that does not fucking well mean wanking me for a few minutes then getting bored. you dont think my neck gets sore when i go down on you? of course it fucking well does, but i dont complain do i? no, because i know that youre enjoying it.
you make me sick to the stomach. youre asking yourself 'why, just because i dont give you pleasure now and again?'.
well, you hit the nail on the fucking head there. im a man. we need pleasure thrown at us. i just need to be covered in it. and yes, before you ask, i am jealous of rudd and luck. you gave them head, you held their cock and made them come - so why not me? does my body freak you out too much? or does it bring back memories? if its the last one, then im sorry. if its any other reason, then learn to fucking deal with it. each time we met up, it was always 'i wanna watch this film' or 'i dont wanna listen to that, i wanna listen to this'. well fuck you. before i brought your selfishness to your attention, did you ever once consider what i wanted? you promised me that 'next time, we'll go down to that park you said about'. have we? have we fuck. i wish the fucking birds outside would shut the hell up. and dont you dare say that ive never offered to come round yours. ive always offered to meet you at the park or pick you up at your place and walk you here. not once have i made you walk home yourself, not even in the morning after weve spent the night together. i just stopped offering to meet you halfway because you always say 'no its ok ill make my way down to yours'.
ill probably regret sending this right after ive done it, but who the fuck cares - not me, thats for sure. just like ill never understand you forgiving the people that abused you, youll never understand my need for pleasure. oh, there you were contradicting yourself again - remember when we were having sex once and you went on top and said 'i like giving you pleasure'? ha, obvious lie again. like i said at the beginning, relationships are based on lies. this is what happens to a relationship when the truth comes out.
it fucks up. christ i love you so much, and for that, i hate myself.
cant sleep. too many things running through my mind. as usual. what if i didnt tell you what i said earlier? what if i kept it a secret? would you get used to me and start doing all them things, or are you someone who would never do any of that? do you still love me? how long will you love me for? are we going to be able to meet up as mates without letting lust take over? i know i wouldnt be able to.
if i kept my mouth shut, would you have slept over tonight? would anything have happened? would you have started exploring my body - or were you never going to do that anyway? what happens if we get drunk and sleep together? will we regret it, accept it and move on, not be able to talk to eachother again? fuck i dont know what to do. been picking at my arm. i love watching the blood run down. its so warm. it just makes me feel so alive when i cut myself. i love watching the blood run down my arm, it reminds me that im still alive and that i can be hurt at any time.
ha, like i need blood to remind me of that.
im rambling again. in two minds as to whether to send you this or not. no, i havent been drinking again. or smoking. well, i have been smoking, but only cigarettes.
drunk too much earlier. things got out of hand. cant believe i slapped my dad, but then again, he thought i was joking so he deserved it in a way.
fuck sake. i wish i was in your arms making love to you right now under the stars. fuck it, i need a fag and a drink. alcohol and nicotine, the perfect combination. if i cant kill myself by running a knife across my wrist, at least i can kill myself slowly by poisoning this ugly body. its more painful that way, and thats the least i deserve.
if you look deep enough, all youll see is that (however bad this sounds) i want my body to be worshipped. in every relationship ive been in ive always been the one with the wandering hands. ive always been the one to make the first move (sexually). not once has a girl just stripped me down and made me come. well, youve done the first part, but then you get bored. actually, you dont get bored, its because of that twat that abused you. fucking cunt. i swear to god if i ever come across him, ill rip him limb from fucking limb, and ill laugh while hes crying in pain. ill look him in the eye and say 'this is for emily' right before i chop his fucking cock off. people like that should not be allowed to have kids.
running out of matches. see, told you ill need them sometime.
still dont know whether to send you this or not. i think i will, as you said we should be more open with eachother. well, im being open with you. parents are gonna bollock me in the morning for smoking rollups in the lounge. well, theyll just get a mouthful back. ha, one dead mozzie. fucking bastard chomping on my ear. have a slap, you fucker. at least its had its last meal, and i hope it tasted damn fine cos it wont be getting any more of me.
no more Nytol left either. great, ill probably be in bed all tomorrow. starting to regret snapping my SIM card in two aswell, just because you might send me a text sometime saying 'i still love you'. fuck, ive lost all the other texts from you now. bollocks.
christ i swear a lot. and i blaspheme a lot aswell. fuck it, if there really is a god then he/she/it is an evil cunt. cant even imagine what satan will be like then. you know what, i worked religion out once. its all a load of bollocks. i think thats what made me shoot myself, because i talked about religion to my mum for hours just before i did that. she had no reason to suspect i was about to top myself. starting to wish i succeeded, then i wouldnt put you through all this pain. jesus im fucked up in the head. need to go on some form of medication, but theres no way that im going back on them. anyone forces me to take anything and theyll die before me.
ill admit it. im a sex whore. i want it all and i want it right now, with you. i want you to hold me, make love to me, use and abuse me. i want everything and i want it now. dont you want me? because i sure as hell want you. i want you on top of me, below me, all around me. maybe ill just clone you and wait until one of you becomes a nymphomaniac, a sex addict, a whore. i need you, i want you.
fucking hell listen to me. im turning into david for christ sake. id rather be an emo than turn into that obsessed dick. i wonder what my obsessions are? thats another email though.
jeez ive written a lot. cant think of anything else to write. why is it that in a relationship no-one can understand what I need, what I want? with rachel it was the same, except that cheating whore lied about being raped. anyone who lies about something like that deserves to actually be raped. sick fuckers.
im sorry i dont like gothic clothes. im sorry i dont like your music. im sorry im not playful. im sorry i lied about not wanting to have sex each time we meet. its not because i want an orgasm, for me its only 10% physical. the other 90% is mental. fuck this, why am i apologising? im always apoligising at the end of a relationship. you know what, im not fucking sorry. is it that fucking hard to understand that i need some pleasure now and again? i really dont care if you dont like giving head/hand etc. actually, i remember you saying that you can give handjobs. well, you never once acted upon that, and youve had loads of chances to do it. youre just a liar. i dont need another liar in my life, ive already got me HA! anyway, is it really that hard to understand that i want some pleasure - and that does not fucking well mean wanking me for a few minutes then getting bored. you dont think my neck gets sore when i go down on you? of course it fucking well does, but i dont complain do i? no, because i know that youre enjoying it.
you make me sick to the stomach. youre asking yourself 'why, just because i dont give you pleasure now and again?'.
well, you hit the nail on the fucking head there. im a man. we need pleasure thrown at us. i just need to be covered in it. and yes, before you ask, i am jealous of rudd and luck. you gave them head, you held their cock and made them come - so why not me? does my body freak you out too much? or does it bring back memories? if its the last one, then im sorry. if its any other reason, then learn to fucking deal with it. each time we met up, it was always 'i wanna watch this film' or 'i dont wanna listen to that, i wanna listen to this'. well fuck you. before i brought your selfishness to your attention, did you ever once consider what i wanted? you promised me that 'next time, we'll go down to that park you said about'. have we? have we fuck. i wish the fucking birds outside would shut the hell up. and dont you dare say that ive never offered to come round yours. ive always offered to meet you at the park or pick you up at your place and walk you here. not once have i made you walk home yourself, not even in the morning after weve spent the night together. i just stopped offering to meet you halfway because you always say 'no its ok ill make my way down to yours'.
ill probably regret sending this right after ive done it, but who the fuck cares - not me, thats for sure. just like ill never understand you forgiving the people that abused you, youll never understand my need for pleasure. oh, there you were contradicting yourself again - remember when we were having sex once and you went on top and said 'i like giving you pleasure'? ha, obvious lie again. like i said at the beginning, relationships are based on lies. this is what happens to a relationship when the truth comes out.
it fucks up. christ i love you so much, and for that, i hate myself.