ass-wiping question

[friendowl]

out of 100 shits how many times do you get crap on your hand while wiping.

also

on average how many wipes needed to clean the stinker ?

[cannabis campbell]

lol you have a mad imagination

ok to the first question not really that many like 2/100

and to the second one erm lol around 7 - 20 depending lol:o

[Fengzi]

How many licks before you hit the tootsie roll

:o Sorry, first thing that popped into my head

[friendowl]

i long slow lick will get you to the center
cmon mr.brownthumb how many times to you get mud on your hand

[stonerneedsrealweed]

IT DEPENDS. on how hard im dxm trippin usually 4/100 if im way shy hign trip

[king kong bong]

a better question is how do you wipe? sitting down or standing up?

i stand up. i seen peeps in movies wipe while still sitting. i doubt you get a good wipe like that.

[Fengzi]

1. I'm going with CC 2/100
2. 5-6 maybe.


The worst is when you have a wet shit and the paper just disolves under your fingers

[friendowl]

haha sitting down
what if your hand dips in the water
i got big nuts and sometimes they get splashed on
i flush like im busted
as soon as its out: flush
it should go straight from your ass to the sewer.
no lingering or loitering

[Its a Plant]

God this thread is making me sick.

hmmm, for me it's:
1. 1/100 maybe? I'm very neat :)
2. 4 Good wipes usually does it for me. gotta have those wet naps though. No other way to get your bum bum clean without showering IMOP.

Now I'm going to go eat some dinnner...soo hungry.

[NoosaHeads]

Before you go down on your lady you should always ask wich way she wipes.;)...

[friendowl]

unless you like fudge

[king kong bong]

i once saw this porno. a guy was sitting on the toilet then the girl came and got him out the bathroom straight off the toilet and started blowin him. she could have atleast let him wipe first.

[420purplehaze420]

lol i never have gotten my shit on my hand, i rap the TP around my hand like 5 times to make sure that never happens so 0/100, and i usally wipe a good 5 times atleast

[Crispyfried]

Zero, at least that I know of.

[king kong bong]

since we're on the topic....

http://www.zippyvideos.com/7746233271668996/lee_ratchet_sam_dump/

my lil bro...

[Kryzco]

I can't help but laugh at this thread and it makes me cry a little

I don't ever get it on my hands so 0/100
and for me it takes about 5-10

ps did you know will smith wipes his ass with baby wipes?

:thumbsup: the more you know

[GhostFace2K]

probably 3/100 at home and like 15/100 at school because the food up here blows and it can get a little messy hahahaha... but as far as wipes go it takes about 4 or 5 wipes to be clean.... oh and for all you fuckers who flush the toilet seat while your still seated DON'T DO IT... there was a special on the news a while back about some guy who got aids by flushing the toilet in public places while still seated... the water splashes up and if it's contaminated it can infect you with anything floating in the water... you can even get STDs from the toilet

[king kong bong]

holy infected terds batman.

[orangeman]

I knew by the title of this thread who made it lol, also I cant recall the last time I got feces on my hands when...cleaning it..and it usually only takes 3 tears from the roll to clean it lol. Damn I feel weird postin that.

[friendowl]

when i was in survival training for the first time
i had to take a shit.
i asked mike the guy in charge what could i wipe with.
he gave me one fucking square of paper.
i walked a ways and did my thing.
when i came back he asked me
"wheres your paper"
i said " i buried it "
"go get and bring it here and burn it " " leave no trace "
first of all its hard to get real clean with one square but do-able
second its nasty to walk with shit-paper in front of another.
then to burn it is quite humbling

[orangeman]

I know this is off-topic but friendowl what is that in your avatar anyways?

[halo]

a better question is how do you wipe? sitting down or standing up?

i stand up. i seen peeps in movies wipe while still sitting. i doubt you get a good wipe like that.

I wipe while sitting. Its better than standing for many reasons. You can spread your cheeks out on the seat and get a great whipe. And also when you have nasty squish shit if you stand up sometimes itll smeer on your cheeks. Sittin down is the only way to go.

[friendowl]

me swimming at malibu state park [rock pool]

[halo]

probably 3/100 at home and like 15/100 at school because the food up here blows and it can get a little messy hahahaha... but as far as wipes go it takes about 4 or 5 wipes to be clean.... oh and for all you fuckers who flush the toilet seat while your still seated DON'T DO IT... there was a special on the news a while back about some guy who got aids by flushing the toilet in public places while still seated... the water splashes up and if it's contaminated it can infect you with anything floating in the water... you can even get STDs from the toilet

Only if you have a cut on your ass. You cant get STDs from the toilet. Can you?

[friendowl]

what if your hemorhoid pop's and the water splashes into your crevasse

[Its a Plant]

you can't fucking get aids or std's from a toilet seat. seriously. but it would be scary if you could. I hope you guys were joking.

[geonagual]

Very informative thread
It is always nice to know how the rest of the world
wipes their ass
as for me....
I am always waiting for that clean shit
ya know
the one where you dont even need to wipe your ass
but as a precaution you do
and then you see no shit on the paper
and your like FUCK
I didnt even need to wipe

[friendowl]

thats the holy grail of feces
smooth exit like a bank robber

[Fengzi]

when i was in survival training for the first time
i had to take a shit.
i asked mike the guy in charge what could i wipe with.
he gave me one fucking square of paper.
i walked a ways and did my thing.
when i came back he asked me
"wheres your paper"
i said " i buried it "
"go get and bring it here and burn it " " leave no trace "
first of all its hard to get real clean with one square but do-able
second its nasty to walk with shit-paper in front of another.
then to burn it is quite humbling

I got you beat on this one friendowl. I took a month long mountaineering class up in the North Cascades a while back and they gave a new meaning to "leave no trace". No paper at all. Since we were camped on glaciers for 90% of the time we improvised. Believe it or not, snow works amazingly well, better than paper. It's wet, and kind of ruff, so it has quite a bit of cleansing ability. You just have to get over freezing your ass off every time.

[jonny]

I understood this thread as a satirical, royal taking of the piss out of all those stupid kids on these boards that ask all those stupid questions.

"Hey, I found this seed in a bag of ganja, its small and brown, could anyone tell me what strain this is?"

"whats your favourate munchies?"

"which hand do you jack off with"
Whats your fucking dad called?
Who's your favourate emporor of china between the 10th century and the 18th

Why so many questions>?And such pointless ones too...argh.

Maybe I looked into it too deeply and he actually wanted to know the answer to the questions :S

[Stoner Shadow Wolf]

no, seriously, the best question here is how do you wipe? front to back, or back to front?

[da haze meister]

i have had lots of those clean shits...
0/100 im very clean
i wipe standing up... so i can check how much shit is there by looking at the paper when im done
and i forgot the other question

[GhostFace2K]

i'm 100% positive you can get STDs from the toilet... one of my best friends is a virgin and contracted genital warts... the doctor said to him it is very likely that he got it from a dirty toilet seat since dorm room toilets probably aren't the cleanest.

[eddievanzant]

Maybe 1/300.
Standing up.
20 or so wipes.

[tootsie roll]

How many licks before you hit the tootsie roll

:o Sorry, first thing that popped into my head

Hey now! :( :o

[Draziok]

Well, Maybe 1/100, or 2/100... dunno... it usually takes me 1-7 wipes.

[Reefer Rogue]

I wipe while sitting. Its better than standing for many reasons. You can spread your cheeks out on the seat and get a great whipe. And also when you have nasty squish shit if you stand up sometimes itll smeer on your cheeks. Sittin down is the only way to go.

Word.

[C4nn4Bliss]

who wants to sit on a public toilet seat

thats why man created "the hover"

you also gotta use a fat wad to break the fall in public toilets!

[beachguy in thongs]

Really, to answer this, I must have indigestion.

I've shit 30,000 times in my life. The toilet paper may have ripped, or whatever, and I had some brown on my hand, once or twice. So, the answer to the first question is .000013.

The answer to the second question is, about, 15-25 times.

[JunkYard]

I try not to, but sh!t happens, ya know? It's a very rare occurance, though.

I always shower after I squat, too; I hate smelly ass!

Oh, I also like to pretend that the ladies don't sh!t at all...

[king kong bong]

I wipe while sitting. Its better than standing for many reasons. You can spread your cheeks out on the seat and get a great whipe. And also when you have nasty squish shit if you stand up sometimes itll smeer on your cheeks. Sittin down is the only way to go.

thanks dude. im high right now and that gave me a good ol' laugh.

[C4nn4Bliss]

Oh, I also like to pretend that the ladies don't sh!t at all...

true that, nothin turns you off more than having thoughts like that....or hearing plunk plunk when your girl is in the john....gag

fuckin a!!

[king kong bong]

Oh, I also like to pretend that the ladies don't sh!t at all...

same here man.

[Jimmicrackedcorn]

Who wipes?
Blast ure ass with the showerhead, tis the way forward.
Slash time off ure shit sessions
No more looking at smeared fecal matter on a square of paper
No more skidmarks
Be the envy of your friends and the life of the party!

[LIP]

0/100 for me, i just put loads of paper around my hand... erm... probs 5-7 wipes depending... How comes no girls have answered lmfao lol

[Jimmicrackedcorn]

Whoever's sick enough to have sexual relations with a toilet deserves an STD.
Unless.........................you were in love:o

[eddievanzant]

I understood this thread as a satirical, royal taking of the piss out of all those stupid kids on these boards that ask all those stupid questions.

"Hey, I found this seed in a bag of ganja, its small and brown, could anyone tell me what strain this is?"

"whats your favourate munchies?"

"which hand do you jack off with"
Whats your fucking dad called?
Who's your favourate emporor of china between the 10th century and the 18th

Why so many questions>?And such pointless ones too...argh.

Maybe I looked into it too deeply and he actually wanted to know the answer to the questions :S
It may not be satirical, but at least it's more interesting.

[TheSmokinMan]

I also h8 when you dont wipe it correctly and later on it gets all itchy and then you get the ultimate skid marks

[Tmar.aLL.DaYmar]

100/100. I dont beleive in wasting paper.

And it usually takes me 2-3 "scoops", and a 1-finger finish.

[Jeff Spicoli]

at least 2 flushes, so i don't clog the toliet again
2-3 wipes

[Its a Plant]

i'm 100% positive you can get STDs from the toilet... one of my best friends is a virgin and contracted genital warts... the doctor said to him it is very likely that he got it from a dirty toilet seat since dorm room toilets probably aren't the cleanest.

Okay, I looked it up, and there are a few RARE cases where someone has contracted an STD by contacting an infected toilet seat, but the bacteria will only be passed to someone else's bum-bum after 2 hours from when the infected person sat on it. That 2 hour window was when your friend sat down. Shitty. So basically your friends is REALLY unlucky because it hardly ever happens. Ever.

[clear the way mugs]

I wipe while sitting. Its better than standing for many reasons. You can spread your cheeks out on the seat and get a great whipe. And also when you have nasty squish shit if you stand up sometimes itll smeer on your cheeks. Sittin down is the only way to go.
chill with the standing and sitting. to get the wipe to the fullest you need to bend over and roll like 10 squares about 3 or 4 times and your good to go

[da haze meister]

i had one of those clean shits today. only took one wipe.

[420purplehaze420]

my god this thread is funny

i also pretend that girls dont shit, and one of em has told me they dont(joking obviously)

so thats convincing enough for me

[eddievanzant]

If a girl's shit smelled like flowers I wouldn't mind.

[EternalEnemy]

Ive got a question too...How many threads like this do you have to read before the effect is the same as with one lobotomy? My guess is two, maybe 3 or 4. Also, how retarted do you have to be to read further than the first post in the first place? I hope not very, since i read it all.



If a girl's shit smelled like flowers I wouldn't mind.

I thought it did? Apparently not, then.

What if girls pooped weed? Would that smell like dank, mids, schwag, shit, urine, sperm, vanilla or something else? Also, would it be chronic or schwag or dank or whatever...Also, what if it was laced?
Also, would young girls produce chronic, and women who have had their menopauses, would they be crapping schwag?
I know, this is all bullshit and doesent make sense. If something like that was actually true, they would be shitting hash.


Another idea, take some acid or some hallucinogen and read through this thread when the tripping is the most intense.

[del...]

reminds me of an old helen keller joke...and for those who don't know who hellen keller was you'll have to google her.

How did Helen Keller know when she was done wiping after taking a dump?




her hand would quit smelling like shit...

[eddievanzant]

Ive got a question too...How many threads like this do you have to read before the effect is the same as with one lobotomy? My guess is two, maybe 3 or 4. Also, how retarted do you have to be to read further than the first post in the first place? I hope not very, since i read it all.




I thought it did? Apparently not, then.

What if girls pooped weed? Would that smell like dank, mids, schwag, shit, urine, sperm, vanilla or something else? Also, would it be chronic or schwag or dank or whatever...Also, what if it was laced?
Also, would young girls produce chronic, and women who have had their menopauses, would they be crapping schwag?
I know, this is all bullshit and doesent make sense. If something like that was actually true, they would be shitting hash.


Another idea, take some acid or some hallucinogen and read through this thread when the tripping is the most intense.
I don't know if you're insulting this thread or defending it, but if you're insulting it, no one cares. This thread is different than the other "What's your favorite?" and whatnot kind of threads in that this one is interesting.

[EternalEnemy]

Dude, im not insulting nor defending anything. Im just fooling around.


Im always misunderstood. I mean always.

[Breukelen advocaat]

The Great Toilet Paper Shortage
Blame it all on Johnny Carson.
http://home.nycap.rr.com/useless/toilet_paper/
There have been shortages of many things throughout history - oil, rubber, coffee, medicine, and so on. Yet, one of the most interesting shortages - the shortage of toilet paper - was one that should never have occurred.

Before telling this unusual story, let's first take a quick look at the history of toilet paper.

Obviously, toilet paper has not been around forever. We can be pretty sure that the caveman did not stop at his local Mega-superstore to pick up a case pack of Charmin. In fact, Since humans are the only animals that have the dexterity to actually wipe themselves after each defecation, it is currently believed that the original material used for cleaning (to put it politely) was leaves and sticks.

Of course, where you lived help determine the material of choice. Mussel shells were very popular in coastal regions prior to toilet paper's popularity (approx. 1900). If you were lucky enough to be raised on the Hawaiian islands, you may have used good old coconut shells. If you were born into royalty, like Louis XIV, you would have used wool or lace for added comfort.

In India and the Arab world, the most popular tool to use today (not that I have witnessed this) is the hand - the left hand to be specific. Of course, they cleanse their hands after this dirty deed. Many Arabs consider the Western practice of using paper to be disgusting - they feel that you always leave a residue by following this practice. They can't see how paper can actually get you perfectly clean.

Some historians consider this the reason why we shake with our right hands - because traditionally the left hand was the dirty hand!

Islamic tradition prescribes that you should wipe with stones or clods of earth, rinse with water, and finally dry with linen cloth. Pious men actually carry clods of earth in their turbans and carry small pitchers of water solely for this purpose. These men traditionally blot the end of their penis with pebbles or clods of earth. Others blot against a wall, which gave rise to a practical joke among the non-Muslims living around the Eastern Mediterranean - they dusted the outdoor walls at penis level with good old ground hot pepper. Ouch!

In ancient Rome, all public toilets had a sponge attached to the end of a stick which soaked in a bucket of brine (salty water). The rich used wool and rosewater.

During the late Middle Ages, the French invented the bidet for rinsing of both sexes (clearly, the original models did not have modern plumbing). During WWI, British and American troops found these devices in the brothels that they frequented, leading them to assume that they were only used by women for vaginal douching. In other words, men no longer use them.

The material of choice among colonial America was corn cobs. When daily newspapers became commonplace in the 1700's, paper became the material of choice (I guess that one could say that Gutenberg's printing press caused the toilet paper revolution). Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773) wrote in a letter to his son that one should always carry with them a cheap copy of the Latin poets so that he would have something educational to read while on the pot, as well as having a good use for each page after reading it (This is not a quote, just a story). This lead to a major problem in England - the landscape was littered with paper - they didn't have modern sewers to take the stuff away from our sight.

In the late 19th century, the Sears catalog became popular in rural America. People simply hung it up on a nail and had a free supply of 100's of pages of absorbent, uncoated paper. Corn cobs were still holding as a strong second place contender, however. Use of the Sears catalog declined in the 1930's due to the fact that they started printing on glossy, clay-coated paper. Many people complained to Sears about this glossy paper (Can you imagine writing a letter to Sears: Dear Sir, I want to register a complaint about your new glossy catalog paper. It is no longer soft and absorbent...).

The first actual paper produced for wiping was in England in 1880. They were individual squares sold in boxes, not rolls. This paper was very coarse - the type the British prefer today. Americans like the soft, fluffy type, which was introduced in 1907. The original American product was sort of like crepe paper, if you remember that stuff from kindergarten.

To make this background information complete, we need some statistics. I should warn you that these statistics are a bit grotesque and are based on a sample population of 106 people.
Here we go:
*The average tear is 5.90 sheets of TP.
*44% wipe from front to back from behind their backs.
*60% look at the paper after they wipe.
*42% fold, 33% crumple, 8% do both fold and crumple, 6% wrap it around their hands.
*50% say that they have wiped with leaves.
*8% have wiped with their hands. 2% have wiped with money!

Which finally brings us back to our lead story - The Great Toilet Paper Shortage!

It actually all started as a joke. Johnny Carson was doing his typical NBC Tonight Show monologue on December 19, 1973.

Heeeere's Johnnnnnny....
Of course, Johnny, like most talk show hosts, had a staff that helped write his monologue. His writers had heard earlier in the day about a Wisconsin congressman named Harold Froehlich. Froelich claimed that the federal government was falling behind in getting bids to supply toilet paper and that "The United States may face a serious shortage of toilet tissue within a few months".

His writers decided to include a joke based on this quote in Carson's monologue. He said "You know what's disappearing from the supermarket shelves? Toilet paper. There's an acute shortage of toilet paper in the United States."

Too bad they couldn't see the consequence of this statement. You may not be aware if you are young, but the early 1970's was a time of shortages - oil in particular. The next morning, many of the 20 million television viewers ran to the supermarket and bought all the toilet paper they could find. By noon, most of the stores were out of stock! Stores tried to ration the stuff, but they couldn't keep up with demand.

Johnny Carson went on the air several nights later and explained that there was no shortage and apologized for scaring the public. Unfortunately, people saw all the empty shelves in the stores, so the stampede continued.
Scott Paper showed video of their plants in full production to the public and asked them to stay calm - there was no shortage. The video was of little help. The panic fed itself and continued.

They finally got the shelves restocked three weeks later and the shortage was over. It is the only time in American history that the consumer actually created a major shortage (I don't think that the "shortage" of Barbie or Power Ranger dolls at Christmas time could be classified as a real shortage!).
And to think that it all started as a joke.
Useless? Useful? Iâ??ll leave that for you to decide
http://home.nycap.rr.com/useless/toilet_paper/

[VIslandToker]

100/100.
I always shit into my hand and then place it carefully into the toilet.

hahahah jk. this thread is hilarious.

[Tmar.aLL.DaYmar]

I wipe while sitting. Its better than standing for many reasons. You can spread your cheeks out on the seat and get a great whipe. And also when you have nasty squish shit if you stand up sometimes itll smeer on your cheeks. Sittin down is the only way to go.

Yeh, and its good practice for when you go to prison and become someones bitch and they make you piss sitting down.

[Alavaster]

well i usually have to use a roll or 2...to clean half my ass

[gramzzilla420]

0/100 for me, i just put loads of paper around my hand... erm... probs 5-7 wipes depending... How comes no girls have answered lmfao lol
same 4 me front 2 back, then soap, water, rinse, dry and lotion or powder every time. as well;)

[haze kr]

Dude, im not insulting nor defending anything. Im just fooling around.


Im always misunderstood. I mean always.
it's ok sweetie we still love you. oxoxox

[Reefer Rogue]

reminds me of an old helen keller joke...and for those who don't know who hellen keller was you'll have to google her.

How did Helen Keller know when she was done wiping after taking a dump?




her hand would quit smelling like shit...

LOL, how did I miss that one...

[Mr Greenthumb]

Owl man, that was a funny thing to say.

I've never shat on me hands, cuz i'm so terrifide of it i'm extra careful.

This reminds of that stupid toilet seat down rule, not so much that men have to put the seat down, but that a lot of women are blind (thay'd have to be to go for what i call a "Splash Down"). Its mind boggling how often i hear about em sitting on the bowl instead of the toilet.

[ShadowGate420]

Each person is different. So which is it: Fold or Bunge/Crumple?

[Mr Greenthumb]

Don't trust simple folding, bunge man. Bunge all the way.

[friendowl]

folded wiping only transfers the shit from the bottom of your ass to the top.
you might get the big pieces but the foundation will still be layed.

with the bungle method the creases of the paper get all that stuff off.
then back it up with a baby wipe and then a dry paper then some johnsons baby powder and you feel like a newborn.

[CocaCola]

I knew by the title of this thread who made it lol, also I cant recall the last time I got feces on my hands when...cleaning it..and it usually only takes 3 tears from the roll to clean it lol. Damn I feel weird postin that.
Ahahaha, that's good that you can't recall.

Why the hell are you guys so clumsy when wiping that area?

[Liebensaft]

Maybe 3 or 4 times out of a hundred do I slip and get a little "mud on my hand."
It usually takes anywhere from 5-20 wipes for a clean bum.

I go from back to front, with 3 or 4 sheets at a time, folded, but always so that it's the same shape as one sheet.

Oh...and sitting down.

[diphen]

topic: once or twice in my life
slightly OT: since coming to china, i've increased my paper efficiency to 2-5 wipes
definitely OT: flushing in general throws microscopic disgustingness all over the place, so never flush while sitting, hold your breath, and always put the lid down, first

[yoda]

i dont get poo on my hands, but occassionally ill wipe too much onto one square, and it'll go down my finger.

i sit down while i wipe, and i check to see how much is on there to see how much more i need to wipe. it takes me like 5-10 wipes.

[alex0112]

man, I can't imagine wiping with like 5 or 6 little pieces...

I take like a huge amount and crumple it up and it takes from 1 wipe(clean shit) to 7.
Crumpling really gives it a good kinda rough feeling, you know youre getting everything out, haha.

I just hate getting shit on my hands, so maybe like 1/100.
anyone notice if you get piss on your hands, it's like, eh whatever, but shit, youre like HOLY FUCK and wash it off like its acid.

[cbr420]

wtf.... I must say i felt really weird when my little brother asked me if i stood up or sat down when i wiped my ass. But as i can see there are some other people in this world who think the same way he does.. But i must say i dont think i ever get fudge on my had so that would be 0/100 and usually i like to keep it under three wipes if possible. nothing worse then pulling up your pants and realizing your pants are stuck to your ass.