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VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 02:08 AM
If you don't remember I made a thread asking for help on writting a satiristic witty rant over high school for my short film I will be presenting to my high school video tech class.Heres what I have so far:

High school, a place where a variety of teenagers can get togeather and learn in harmony regardless of there race,gender, or dress preference.The very place students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education.Heh...you'd have to be a moron to beleive this.I think what I really meant was, a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with there crappy, unaptness noise they actually call music...well your just a waste of life.Not to mention- (then this is where I want to get into the stupid trends they only support because there peers are doing it and so are there idols on the tv screens.)

I already have the filming part down, alls i need is YOUR help to finish the rant.I'll take any ideas, post whatever you want.

Also I want some honest opinions on what I have so far, if you honestly think it sucks please tell me.Please refraim from being a dick and telling me it sucks because your bored.

Thanks.

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 02:14 AM
OH yeah PS I didn't come up with it all I've had help from many different sources, so in the credits I won't be taking all the credit thats for sure.

Nochowderforyou
01-25-2006, 02:17 AM
If you don't remember I made a thread asking for help on writting a satiristic witty rant over high school for my short film I will be presenting to my high school video tech class.Heres what I have so far:

High school, a place where a variety of teenagers can get togeather and learn in harmony regardless of there race,gender, or dress preference.The very place students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education.Heh...you'd have to be a moron to beleive this.I think what I really meant was, a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with there crappy, unaptness noise they actually call music...well your just a waste of life.Not to mention- (then this is where I want to get into the stupid trends they only support because there peers are doing it and so are there idols on the tv screens.)

I already have the filming part down, alls i need is YOUR help to finish the rant.I'll take any ideas, post whatever you want.

Also I want some honest opinions on what I have so far, if you honestly think it sucks please tell me.Please refraim from being a dick and telling me it sucks because your bored.

Thanks.

I'm not too sure on what to write next, but if this is for high school, they will be marking you on grammer as well :)

Now, "their" "there" and "they're"...

"their" means as in possession. Here is an example from your paragraph:
The very place students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education
Expand their horizons.

"there" means a place.Bob and Jim went over there

"they're" Means They Are

Also, put a comma after horizons....expand their horizons, with the nectar of...

Next, this:
I think what I really meant was, a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with there crappy, unaptness noise they actually call music...well your just a waste of life

I see YOUR, in your case though, it should say "you're", as in, you are. Also, the last sentence, after WELL, put a comma...well, you're just a waste of life

Teachers are crazy picky about grammer man, just trying to help. :cool:

Peace

Awill3449
01-25-2006, 02:24 AM
High school, a place where a variety of teenagers can get together and learn in harmony regardless of there race,gender, or dress preference [what is that supposed to mean: dress preference?]. High school is/should be(?) the very place students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education.Heh...you'd have to be a moron to beleive that. What I really meant was, high school is a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with their crappy, unaptness noise that they actually call music...well then...you're just a waste of a life.

Aren't there better things to write about critizing high school besides pop culture? What about how people cheat, are dishonest, unnecessarily bitchy...ect. I feel like you can do better than criticizing trends. Don't be afraid to say something controversial! Right now its pretty shallow. Try and get into some serious issues. Yes, i know its just satire, but that's why satire is so good. You can talk about serious things but still be "kidding."

beachguy in thongs
01-25-2006, 02:29 AM
The hallways are a swirling orgy of infestation. Millions of germs on hundreds of students and faculty, all catching rides on the institutionalized synthetic jetstream. :smokin:

Nochowderforyou
01-25-2006, 02:33 AM
The hallways are a swirling orgy of infestation. Millions of germs on hundreds of students and faculty, all catching rides on the institutionalized synthetic jetstream. :smokin:

*Austin Powers voice* Riiiiight. I think I'll go watch a moovie. :D

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 03:06 AM
I'm not too sure on what to write next, but if this is for high school, they will be marking you on grammer as well :)

Now, "their" "there" and "they're"...

"their" means as in possession. Here is an example from your paragraph:
The very place students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education
Expand their horizons.

"there" means a place.Bob and Jim went over there

"they're" Means They Are

Also, put a comma after horizons....expand their horizons, with the nectar of...

Next, this:
I think what I really meant was, a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with there crappy, unaptness noise they actually call music...well your just a waste of life

I see YOUR, in your case though, it should say "you're", as in, you are. Also, the last sentence, after WELL, put a comma...well, you're just a waste of life

Teachers are crazy picky about grammer man, just trying to help. :cool:

Peace

I'm not turning a paper in, its like the script practically, so grammar is not a issue as of now.THanks though, I feel real bad after you corrected all of that.

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 03:09 AM
High school, a place where a variety of teenagers can get together and learn in harmony regardless of there race,gender, or dress preference [what is that supposed to mean: dress preference?]. High school is/should be(?) the very place students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education.Heh...you'd have to be a moron to beleive that. What I really meant was, high school is a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with their crappy, unaptness noise that they actually call music...well then...you're just a waste of a life.

Aren't there better things to write about critizing high school besides pop culture? What about how people cheat, are dishonest, unnecessarily bitchy...ect. I feel like you can do better than criticizing trends. Don't be afraid to say something controversial! Right now its pretty shallow. Try and get into some serious issues. Yes, i know its just satire, but that's why satire is so good. You can talk about serious things but still be "kidding."

Man your opinions really mean alot right now.But when I said dress preference I meant people being critisized for dressing different.And I'm not talking about baggy pants with chains all over them from hot topic...I rather not wear baggy pants and I NEVER get the end of it when I'm at school.So what if my pants are a little tighter.

Do you have aim? I think you could really help me out with this.Or atleast any messenger program?

Awill3449
01-25-2006, 03:27 AM
I dont have aim, but feel free to keep posting what you think of an I'll comment if I see it. I like editing.

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 03:30 AM
OK well do you have any ideas what to add to that?

How about an email?

Awill3449
01-25-2006, 03:31 AM
I was just thinking about this and basically what you're missing is points. I know it sucks going back to square one, but it'll be worth it in the end. So your first point is your sick of taking shit for dressing differently. So basically high school kids are so damn insecure about how they look that they need to make fun of you because you dress how you want. There's point one.

So just right down the shit your sick of and turn it into a critizism of high schoolers as a whole. Since it's satire, make sure to tease and use overexaggerations

edit: its [email protected]

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 03:34 AM
HAHA you make it sound so easy man, but your the only person who gets my point on how I want to write this.YOU just get the picture.OK i'll see what I can think of and i'' post it here or write you an email.

Awill3449
01-25-2006, 03:35 AM
It takes practice.

I'll take a look at it tomorrow.

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 03:36 AM
Do you have like a line or idea to start me off?

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 04:46 AM
BUMP

beachguy in thongs
01-25-2006, 04:55 AM
The infested swirling orgy millions of germs, catching rides on the institutionalized synthetic jetstream, on hundreds of students and faculty, all.

I'm sorry, I don't know the question, anymore.

Awill3449
01-25-2006, 07:46 PM
bump...you still need help?

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 09:14 PM
Yeah I was at school today.I was thinking about when you were saying going back to square one, were you implying on starting over?

And also I came up with another point today, nothing special but I feel the need that this subject has to be included somewhere.

Prepubescent high school relationships which are only products of extreme boredom.Not to mention there 2 week life spans.

Thats just a little something, I want to add more to it.

Awill3449
01-25-2006, 09:20 PM
Haha thats good. And about square one, didn't mean starting over per se, just rethinking the points you were making and editing it so that its still funny and makes more interesting observations.

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 10:28 PM
Haha thats good. And about square one, didn't mean starting over per se, just rethinking the points you were making and editing it so that its still funny and makes more interesting observations.

Yeah I need to work on the high school relationship points because that would to be very essential to my rant.Prepubescent teenage boys pronouncing there new found love to there 2 week old girlfriends to spite his friends.It can also be vice versa, ya know...thats high school for you.In fact I might add that line in there.

Wesley Pipes
01-25-2006, 11:44 PM
school is a torture ground, ppl are outcast and bullied for being an individual, all u can do is grit your teeth, push forward and hope that the daily 6 on 1 beatings won't kill you, and somehow, just somehow make the connections in friends that will last a lifetime while at the sametime hoping for that specail person to share all your anxieties and woes with. And when the school bell rings, it's time to escape your tormentors and head for the safety and warmth of your family friends and girlfriend to find love that only those few special ppl can provide.

Live On by Oscuro (my band:D)

Verse 1-
They all ignore me,
they don't accept me,
and they all hate me,
but still i live on,

Chorus -
Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide,
i'm all alone,
lost inside,

Verse 2 -
Do you realise,
What you have done,
you have taken my pride,
but still i live on,

Chorus -


Verse 3 -
What do i do,
now you have gone,
life just fell apart,
but still i live on,

Chorus -


Verse 4 -
Allthough my love is gone,
all i had is done,
you were the only one
but now i've moved on,

Chorus -


Solo part -

End

think kinda along the lines of 3 Doors Down - Be Like That from amercan pie 2 for the style of play

btw i wrote this when i was about 14 or 15 (5 or 6 years ago) it was the first song we ever wrote and it is copyrighted :D

VoidLivesOn
01-25-2006, 11:51 PM
That sounds real good man, but thats sorta not what I'm aiming for in my rant.The whole beatings thing.In fact I'm not trying to make it sound like a torture ground because in no way when I'm in high school do I feel physicaly un-safe.Its more of shoot me now because this place and these people make me want to vomit.I know sort of overly dramatic huh? Who would wanna be shot in the head as in comparison to throwing up just because I'm to pansy to listen to my peers bitch everyday.

Wesley Pipes
01-26-2006, 12:01 AM
That sounds real good man, but thats sorta not what I'm aiming for in my rant.The whole beatings thing.In fact I'm not trying to make it sound like a torture ground because in no way when I'm in high school do I feel physicaly un-safe.Its more of shoot me now because this place and these people make me want to vomit.I know sort of overly dramatic huh? Who would wanna be shot in the head as in comparison to throwing up just because I'm to pansy to listen to my peers bitch everyday.
teenagers are always gonna be vain dude, it's just part of the system, just like there will always be bullies.

;) :thumbsup:

peace and love

Wesley Pipes
01-26-2006, 12:02 AM
oh btw way, a song u might wanna look up...

Millencolin - The Ballad :thumbsup:

peace :D

VoidLivesOn
01-26-2006, 12:10 AM
OK Awill I got something new to add.It was like a spare of a moment thing, I just came up with it now but it might be lame.

High school is like a game.Is it a fun game? Thats up to you to decide.But if you think waking up before sunrise 5 days out of the week to get an education that half the population at your school dosn't even acknowledge is a waste of your time...try moving to China.

The china part I don't really know about, I'm just sort of clueless on how to end the 'graph.

Wesley Pipes
01-26-2006, 12:29 AM
it is really just a game, a system, for some it's fun for others it's not, as much i would hate to relive school, i would go back if i had the chance, to do better and get better grades.

VoidLivesOn
01-26-2006, 12:36 AM
Yeah I wish I could go back to Jr. High a little smarter so I could throw back all the bullshit they taught in worth the wait programs.Theres better ways to inform 12-15 y/o's about sex then telling them they'll burn in hell if they have pre-marital sex.Oh yeah then finish iceing the cake with a bunch of pictures of herpe infested dicks and roast beef vagina's.

Wesley Pipes
01-26-2006, 12:40 AM
Yeah I wish I could go back to Jr. High a little smarter so I could throw back all the bullshit they taught in worth the wait programs.Theres better ways to inform 12-15 y/o's about sex then telling them they'll burn in hell if they have pre-marital sex.Oh yeah then finish iceing the cake with a bunch of pictures of herpe infested dicks and roast beef vagina's.
lmao :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D :dance:

Awill3449
01-26-2006, 02:57 AM
Haha, I like the point. yeah, I'm so sure about the China thing...dont they have more school. I dont know, maybe that was your point. Maybe something like : School is a game. A fun game? Well, thats up for you to decide. I mean, if you like playing games that make you wake up before sunrise 5 days a week just to sit in some boring computer class, then sure, its a fun game.

pokin smot
01-26-2006, 03:00 AM
hey ummm can anyone tell me how to possibly pass a hair follicle test

Awill3449
01-26-2006, 03:27 AM
bizzzump

VoidLivesOn
01-26-2006, 03:45 AM
I'm so stumped.This is frustrating me...so many different points flying across this paper, and not one place to put them.Actually there is I'm just being...I dunnoo..

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 02:39 AM
OK heres a little more I just came up with.Be honest about what you think of it boys and girls.


Ohhh, High School. A place where a variety of teenagers can get togeather and learn in harmony regardless of there race, gender, or dress preference.High School is the very place where students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education.Heh...you'd have to be a moron to believe that. I think what I really meant was, High school is a place where social status rules all and if your not up to date with there shitty, unaptness noise they actually call music...well then your just a waste of life.You know what they say,"High Scool is suppose to be the best years of your lives!" Well alot of times in life arrogance breeds hate, so believe me when I say this: arrogance is practically the cornerstone of high school.So who's complaining? No one.Sort of.

lemonboy
01-27-2006, 03:03 AM
Just a quick edit of your most recent paragraph. I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for but I hope it helps.

Ohhh, High school. A place where teenagers get together to learn in harmony regardless of their race, gender, or looks. High school is the very place we get together to drink the nectar of education. Heh... You would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to believe that. I think what I really meant was: High school is a place where social status reigns supreme and if you're not up to date with there shitty unapt noise they actually call music, well then you're not worth their time. You know what they say, "High school is supposed to be the best years of your lives!" In real life arrogance often breeds hate, so consider this: arrogance is practically the cornerstone of high school. Who's complaining? No one. Sort of.

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 03:09 AM
Just a quick edit of your most recent paragraph. I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for but I hope it helps.

Ohhh, High school. A place where teenagers get together to learn in harmony regardless of their race, gender, or looks. High school is the very place we get together to drink the nectar of education. Heh... You would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to believe that. I think what I really meant was: High school is a place where social status reigns supreme and if you're not up to date with there shitty unapt noise they actually call music, well then you're not worth their time. You know what they say, "High school is supposed to be the best years of your lives!" In real life arrogance often breeds hate, so consider this: arrogance is practically the cornerstone of high school. Who's complaining? No one. Sort of.


AWESOME MAN! just the little critiquing that I need.Also I made a thread asking you if you had any messanger programs..did you come across it?

Also you wouldn't be offended if I just used some things you suggested and kept some of the things I originally wrote? Because I don't want you to think your help isn't useful, some of the little things your wrote really help out.

lemonboy
01-27-2006, 03:13 AM
Any time.

I didn't see the thread. I have AIM. If you want my SN send me an email to my name at hush.com.


Also you wouldn't be offended if I just used some things you suggested and kept some of the things I originally wrote? Because I don't want you to think your help isn't useful, some of the little things your wrote really help out.LOL, not at all. I didn't know how much or little you wanted so I just did it. Consider not being quite so harsh on your audience though. I like the idea of cussing in a school report though :)

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 03:16 AM
Also whats the difference between unapt and unaptness being used in my context?

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 03:19 AM
So is it [email protected]..?

lemonboy
01-27-2006, 03:19 AM
Unaptness isn't an adjective so you can't use it to describe something. Unapt is a adjective so it works fine. It's a weird word anyway. I thought about changing it altogether.

lemonboy
01-27-2006, 03:19 AM
So is it [email protected]..?:) lemonboy [at] hush.com

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 03:21 AM
You got mail!

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 03:29 AM
You get it?

Nochowderforyou
01-27-2006, 04:35 PM
I'm not turning a paper in, its like the script practically, so grammar is not a issue as of now.THanks though, I feel real bad after you corrected all of that.

Nah, don't worry about it! :thumbsup: I'm an English major, so it's a part of everyday life. :p

Peace.

Awill3449
01-27-2006, 07:58 PM
Hows the script coming?

VoidLivesOn
01-27-2006, 09:18 PM
Comming pretty good, I added more this morning on H.S relationships.Here it goes:

OK friend is comming over I'll attend to this later.

VoidLivesOn
01-28-2006, 12:40 AM
OK here it is:

Ohhh, High School. A place where a variety of teenagers can get togeather and learn in harmony regardless of race, gender, or dress preference. High school is the very place where students can get togeather and expand there horizons with the nectar of education.

Heh...you'd have to be a moron to believe that. I think what I really meant was, High School is a place where social status reigns supreme, and if your not up to date with there shitty, unapt noise they actually call music....well then your just a waste of life.

You know what they say,"High School is suppose to be the best years of your lives!" Well alot of times in life arrogance often breeds hate, so believe me when I say this: Arrogance is practically the cornerstone of high school.Who's complaining? No one.Sort of.

OKay, why don't we move on to a necessity of high school! Love.Actually I'm using the word quite loosley here.When I walk through the halls of my school I smell two things, and besides the smell of horrendous cafeteria food, and the pre-existing stench of overly priced fragrances, that only leaves two other things..The smell of loovvee, and the smell of prepubescent high school relationships which are only products of extreme boredom.Not to mention there 2 week life spans.

Awill3449
01-28-2006, 01:43 AM
Sweet. I like it.

VoidLivesOn
01-28-2006, 01:44 AM
^thanks man^

STDzRus
01-29-2006, 07:54 PM
found it for you buddy

Whos Carl
01-29-2006, 07:56 PM
found it for you buddy


Dont steal my glory..

STDzRus
01-29-2006, 07:56 PM
Dont steal my glory..

I did MORE research, you just clicked around..:p

Whos Carl
01-29-2006, 07:57 PM
My way found it faster.

Now you can read my sig and weep lol.

STDzRus
01-29-2006, 07:59 PM
My way found it faster.

Now you can read my sig and weep lol.


Read this you chimp!

<you should read this>

HAHA pwn3dxc0r3mo

Whos Carl
01-29-2006, 08:00 PM
Piss face,

STDzRus
01-29-2006, 08:01 PM
Did you find it?

Whos Carl
01-29-2006, 08:03 PM
Did you find it?


If I told you I would have to smother you.

STDzRus
01-29-2006, 08:04 PM
If I told you I would have to smothwe you.

I want your nuts.