Caruso329
11-04-2005, 09:30 AM
Enjoy.. The names have been changed to protect the deranged.
The only reason I'm doing things this way is because I know that I'd probably be very hateful talking to you on the phone, and I don't want that to happen. It goes without saying that I'm horribly disenchanted with you. I mean, I've been gone one night and something has already happened. (By the way, the "something that happened" was me getting drunk.. thats it. Not me getting drunk and sleeping with someone, or even fucking kissing someone... just getting drunk) And just because you were honest with me about it happening, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. It also goes without saying that you being around an environment that is so influential as far as you doing something goes makes me less than confident in you making logical choices; especially when you're around people that have already given you shit about you quitting. I don't want you to only be good when I'm there, because I refuse to be anyone's babysitter. I've done that three times before you, and I'm not about to do that again. I'm not at all surprised that you messed up, but I am surprised that you messed up this quickly. And you making stupid decisions has affected you in stupid ways. You can't afford to miss classes and wake up late and all of that. Especially your math class. And I'm not here to lecture you, because I know that you're not a stupid person. But you've got to understand that you've got it so much harder than the guys before you. You have to be that much better and that much more honest, etc., etc. I mean, I've grown up around people who've done stupid things. I've dated them for the past four years. I know all the actions, I can make all the predictions. And that's caused me to have to become hardened and blunt and even pickier, because I have zero room left for leniency. I've heard all the "I promise" I can just about stand. You could promise me until you were blue in the face, and it wouldn't have any effect on me. I've heard all the lines and all the excuses. They hold zero weight. Talk is fucking cheap. I need to be shown by action. A long series of consistent actions. And I'm so, so sick of people doing things because of ME, because then later on, I'm the one who has to deal with all the resentment. Do shit for yourself. Do it because you honest to God want to be a better person. I just don't see how you can continue to do things like that at all, especially when your mom is working so hard and making such good advancements with something so similar. I'm so insanely proud that my mom hasn't drank in over two years. And I'm proud for your mom that she's gone as long as she has. I know it's not easy. I've seen people do it. And you were on your own way to saying "Hey, I haven't done anything stupid in x amount of time." And now you have to start all over. Now all the time before that doesn't mean anything. I just don't think I have any patience left in me to put forth that much trust and hope and faith in someone, and especially not in a relationship. Also, I completely agree that things would have been so much better if you and I had met prior to you doing all of this. But, in the end, I can't be the reason you're choosing to change your life. You have to be your own reason. Because one day, you'll wake up and I'm not going to be there anymore, and you'll only have yourself. Maybe it would do you some good to take some time alone and think about what you want from life, because it's more than apparent that you have no idea right now. I know what I want, and I know what I don't want. And I want someone who's big enough to take care of themselves, and knows their own limits, and can make logical choices without me hounding them or worrying about them, or having them have to check with me to makes sure they're still in line. I have enough to worry about without having a second person to take care of. I don't want kids for a long time. And surely I have no room for a child in my life at this moment. I just don't think that I can sit around and wait for you to straighten up anymore. I don't have the time, and I'm not going to waste the energy. Maybe things will change if you ever reach a point in your life where you're headed in the right direction; but for now I have no interest in going the direction that you're headed. The biggest disappointment of all is the loss of all the potential that you had. I told you initially that I had a good feeling about you, and that was why I was willing to take a chance in the first place. And then you sort of blew it into a million pieces. But hey, you just do what you want to do. I'd rather you get fucked up to hell and back tonight, say you had an amazing time, and then continue to do your same behaviors. Because for you to not do that, and then be good for a little while, and then change later on down to road only to say "Wow, I wish I would have taken the opportunity to do what I wanted instead of trying to be good" would just be a waste. I just wanted to get all of this out here in one sitting while I was thinking about it. So, I guess I'll talk to you later.
- Coourtney
The only reason I'm doing things this way is because I know that I'd probably be very hateful talking to you on the phone, and I don't want that to happen. It goes without saying that I'm horribly disenchanted with you. I mean, I've been gone one night and something has already happened. (By the way, the "something that happened" was me getting drunk.. thats it. Not me getting drunk and sleeping with someone, or even fucking kissing someone... just getting drunk) And just because you were honest with me about it happening, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. It also goes without saying that you being around an environment that is so influential as far as you doing something goes makes me less than confident in you making logical choices; especially when you're around people that have already given you shit about you quitting. I don't want you to only be good when I'm there, because I refuse to be anyone's babysitter. I've done that three times before you, and I'm not about to do that again. I'm not at all surprised that you messed up, but I am surprised that you messed up this quickly. And you making stupid decisions has affected you in stupid ways. You can't afford to miss classes and wake up late and all of that. Especially your math class. And I'm not here to lecture you, because I know that you're not a stupid person. But you've got to understand that you've got it so much harder than the guys before you. You have to be that much better and that much more honest, etc., etc. I mean, I've grown up around people who've done stupid things. I've dated them for the past four years. I know all the actions, I can make all the predictions. And that's caused me to have to become hardened and blunt and even pickier, because I have zero room left for leniency. I've heard all the "I promise" I can just about stand. You could promise me until you were blue in the face, and it wouldn't have any effect on me. I've heard all the lines and all the excuses. They hold zero weight. Talk is fucking cheap. I need to be shown by action. A long series of consistent actions. And I'm so, so sick of people doing things because of ME, because then later on, I'm the one who has to deal with all the resentment. Do shit for yourself. Do it because you honest to God want to be a better person. I just don't see how you can continue to do things like that at all, especially when your mom is working so hard and making such good advancements with something so similar. I'm so insanely proud that my mom hasn't drank in over two years. And I'm proud for your mom that she's gone as long as she has. I know it's not easy. I've seen people do it. And you were on your own way to saying "Hey, I haven't done anything stupid in x amount of time." And now you have to start all over. Now all the time before that doesn't mean anything. I just don't think I have any patience left in me to put forth that much trust and hope and faith in someone, and especially not in a relationship. Also, I completely agree that things would have been so much better if you and I had met prior to you doing all of this. But, in the end, I can't be the reason you're choosing to change your life. You have to be your own reason. Because one day, you'll wake up and I'm not going to be there anymore, and you'll only have yourself. Maybe it would do you some good to take some time alone and think about what you want from life, because it's more than apparent that you have no idea right now. I know what I want, and I know what I don't want. And I want someone who's big enough to take care of themselves, and knows their own limits, and can make logical choices without me hounding them or worrying about them, or having them have to check with me to makes sure they're still in line. I have enough to worry about without having a second person to take care of. I don't want kids for a long time. And surely I have no room for a child in my life at this moment. I just don't think that I can sit around and wait for you to straighten up anymore. I don't have the time, and I'm not going to waste the energy. Maybe things will change if you ever reach a point in your life where you're headed in the right direction; but for now I have no interest in going the direction that you're headed. The biggest disappointment of all is the loss of all the potential that you had. I told you initially that I had a good feeling about you, and that was why I was willing to take a chance in the first place. And then you sort of blew it into a million pieces. But hey, you just do what you want to do. I'd rather you get fucked up to hell and back tonight, say you had an amazing time, and then continue to do your same behaviors. Because for you to not do that, and then be good for a little while, and then change later on down to road only to say "Wow, I wish I would have taken the opportunity to do what I wanted instead of trying to be good" would just be a waste. I just wanted to get all of this out here in one sitting while I was thinking about it. So, I guess I'll talk to you later.
- Coourtney