[/life]

[GHoSToKeR]

Today, for the first time ever, I contemplated the pros and cons of suicide. I was driving home on the way back home from court (I got off, by the way) and I realised how unbelievably unhappy i've been for so many years. It just hit me, BAM, like that. I imagine some of you must have experienced it before; it's a feeling that goes right down to your bones, and I don't think it's easy to ignore or to forget. I can't seem to get over it...

I think i'm probably the most insecure person I know. In fact I am the most insecure person I know. Pretty much most of my life i've walked around with these millions of different insecurites masquerading as confidence (some may say arrogance).

In the past i've lied, stolen, cheated, hurt people, offended people, all with an endless supply of selfishness. I've even lied to myself about how I act; something I think alot of people can relate to. I'm now 18, without a job for different reasons, without any of my old friends, also for different reasons, hardly any new ones, and there's no amibition or motivation or anything left me. All that's left is a feeling of hopelessness and the knowledge that i'm the only person to blame. I've aliented myself from people and from myself, and the whole time i've ignored the fact that I was doing it, or at least pretended to.

I honestly don't know how I look.. That's the simplest way I can put it. I don't know how I look, or how other people see me, because i'm incapable of seeing myself objectively. Whenever I leave the house I take fucking ages getting ready, even to go to the shop, and I still leave the house feeling self conscious and horrible about myself. I hide it but it's there. Then, when i'm walking around outside, I sneak a look in every mirror or window I walk past.. not out of any vanity or anything, but because I can't help it. I'm scared of how I look, even when I know I look relatively normal, and i'm scared of how I act, even though i've never really had trouble making friends... I don't know why this is, but it's a fact I can't fucking deny anymore.

I lie. Seriously. Not just to myself, but to everyone. Fucking everyone. And it's never even anything worth lying about... If I was going to meet a group of people for whatever reason, I would be so self conscious that it would take me ages to get ready, and then i'll lie about how much of a mess I look. If I buy new clothes or new stuff and someone comments I lie and act like I had it all along. If someone asks me what i've been up to lately I lie. Not because I haven't been up to anything, but... fuck, I don't even know why. I was never like this.. and I haven't been recently, but over the past few years this has been me. A fucking loser. I can't even explain it all and I don't even know why the fuck i'm trying..

I act confident all the time. I never let anybody around me see how I really feel or think, and that just makes it worse.. I haven't spoken to anybody about anthing like this, ever. Not even my family. Because I pretend that i'm cool with everything.. So that just makes it fucking worse.. Lol, what a twat..

I probably sound like the most horrible person on the planet, and maybe I am. I dunno.. But i'm not, I don't think.. I'm just confused most of the time, scared even more of the time, and worried all the time. Shit, there are actually fucking tears rolling down my face.. Lol, i'm an 18 year old guy and i'm fucking crying.. I haven't cried for, well, I don't even know how long.

I'm not gonna try and say what I was really gonna say because I can't think of the words.. Funny that, eh? When I have nothing to say I never shut the fuck up and when I actually have something to say I don't know how to say it. I wanna say sorry, though.. I've been coming to this forum for a reasonably long time, and i've gotten to know most of you quite well, some of you really well. I don't think i've ever intentionally lied to you, and I hope i've never unintentionally done it either.. But I know that, on this site at least, I have quite a few friends who like me as who you know me as... So if i've in any way decieved you into thinking i'm somebody or something i'm not then i'm sorry.. I don't even know if I have or not, or if anybody gives a shit, but you know. i'm gonna go now. You don't have to reply or anything, but it'd be cool to know somebody read it, at least. Tthanks

[the last stand]

[email protected]

we could talk if you want mate...

[dirty raider]

Wow, don't know what to say. Certainly got me thinking of my own life, I think we all put on fronts and disguises to show different faces to different people.

I'm sure you won't take me up on it as I've never really spoken to you but if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything don't hesitate to give me a holler.

[lardman]

speechless

[lardman]

I probably sound like the most horrible person on the planet, and maybe I am. I dunno.. Shit, there are actually fucking tears rolling down my face.. Lol, i'm an 18 year old guy and i'm fucking crying.. I haven't cried for, well, I don't even know how long.

Dude you do not sound like anything close to horrible, or bad. You sound confused and depressed and not a sense of accomplishment or something. Nobody thinks you are horrible.

CRYING!!?? Dude, that is nothing to be ashamed at at all. I cry at times too. You are not human if you do not cry, or want to cry. Somehow people have to let their frustration out, and besides freakin out and going on a rampage, and suicide (ehhh) you cry. Crying helps the pain go away, sorta. You feel like shit when you cry but afterwords you feel better.

I want to talk to you more on this later tomorrow, i cant right now cuz its 4am, i wish i could, but i need to get to bed. Do not do anything rashanal (bad spelling).

Cya when I see yah.

[robert42]

yo man

theres always someone worst of then u, u sound like u need a change on scenery man, every1 gets down nopw and then but if u dwell on it u make it allot worse.

look to the future, do u really wanna be the guy who killed himself before he even lived? its easier to give up then it is to fight but lifes can change in a instance, remember that

u never know where ur gonna be tommorow but thats life, just do what u gotta do and a better future is out there if u fight for it. dont give up

dont let them take your soul

[buddymyfriend]

Man, im feeling you ghost. We've all got alot of skeletons and secrets in the closet, but we just cant seem to close the door and forget about them. The guilt consumes us, the truth is a bully you don't want to be meet. I know what your goin through mate, if you ever wanna talk, or your dry, damn it ANYTHING! Hit me up bro!

[email protected]

Peace

Buddy

[Euphoric]

Ghost. Man. You described me perfectly! Well, except I dont lie very much...it took a while though to get over that weird lying thingy.
So, it's perfectly natural. Youre just experiencing the challenges of being human. .

Now you can understand my distaste for the human species! :)

Really though, when we look at ourselves honestly...we might not like what we see. This is how you evolve!! MOST people refuse to do what you're doing! They simply cannot bear it and they do everything...anything to avoid this kind of honest introspection.
I applaud your efforts. Work on your personality! But don't focus too much on your faults.

TIME FOR A JOINT

[Lulu]

Ghost I've always liked you.....from the beginning and I respect you so much
more after reading that post. If you ever want to chat you know I'm there. I've
pm'd you.......take care, we'll talk soon x

x Lu x

[mellow mood]

hey bro u seem to have a lot of probs man

i mean its normal to have bad moments during your life but you have to ask yourself why you were and (your still?) acting like u related here

i mean u know life is just about growin, gettin happier, gettin a better person, each day man. if u have this feeling when u go out or whatever, seriously u have a problem. i think u have to look at it with a bit of distance and ask you the true roots of this problem and try to change it. u may even want to consult a someone, psyc u know. everybody needs to do so. its only helping sum1 to share what hes living and all

seriously u should share what your living with your parents too man. maybe its a bad idea like maybe its a good one, anyway... i think sometimes they can be so dumb but sometime they can be the first person u can relay on. i think they could help u too, but remember your the only one that will mak ya change yourself.


well man hope your gonna work on yourself as im trying each day, and hope you will feel and get better soon. i feel your pain but never give up that combat which is life. never get discouraged man.

peace

[mellow mood]

and please remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporarly problem

[Edgar]

I can relate...

[LOVElife]

Ghost, Dude, you have touch so many peoples lives on this website.

I can 100% relate to your post, and can "understand" (obviously everyone's different) where your'e coming from!

Chin Up Brother, YOU HAVE SOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, probably without knowing it!

Take it Easy

Remember cannabis.com is ALL EARS 24/7! Let us Help Dude!

Peace

[the last stand]

/\ wasup LOVElife? where you been?

[LOVElife]

Really though, when we look at ourselves honestly...we might not like what we see. This is how you evolve!! MOST people refuse to do what you're doing! They simply cannot bear it and they do everything...anything to avoid this kind of honest introspection.
I applaud your efforts. Work on your personality! But don't focus too much on your faults.

TIME FOR A JOINT

Yeah Man, your Being Honest with yourself!

Peace ;)

[F L E S H]

GHoST,
I think I know what you're going through, because I'm living something similar right now. the details are different, but the end result is the same: feelings of aimlessness, uselessness, nothing matters, you feel like your life is going nowhere. I live on the hope that life does change, but I also think you have to provoke the change yourself, or nothing will ever come to you.

At least, when it gets bad, you can toke a joint and feel better for a little while... Keep you head up, buddy, it just takes some will power to change things around you! I know you'll do great :D

[beachguy in thongs]

Remember cannabis.com is ALL EARS 24/7! Let us Help Dude!

Peace

I'd rather come to here than a bar. It's a lot easier for people to approach me. Or anyone. But I always have beer here. And a girl. I'd, really, rather go out to a bar, but because I have beer here, and a girl, I'll stay put.

GHOST- You think about your own life from the inside out. You take all of your actions into consideration. The smartest person in the world would say that you know more about the subject then he does, but he'd say, "Nothing in the World is worth killing yourself over."

You come from an island between France and the U.K. Your head is bouncing around France's mouth. When I go to my Mother's today, I will have travelled enough distance to go across Jersey and into the English Channel.

Pretend your Christopher Columbus, for a few weeks. When you wake up, things will be better.

[Emperor]

Your only 18 man,

there's plenty of time to turn around your life,

whether you have the courage to do so only time will tell and only you know,

when you start feeling like you do it really is time to stop smoking for a while and get your self sorted, even a job gives you a sense of self-worth, occupies you and you then know you deserve a smoke at the end of the day.

If you were 30 and saying the same thing then you would have something more to worry about but that said it is never to late to start again.

For all you's who say don't give up your not really being a friend, drugs intensivy your feelings so if you are happy and mentaly stable drugs are fine to consume.

Don't think you wanted to here all that,

you could come with me to be a Buddist Monk in Tibet for a year!

[colton]

Bruv your only 18 you should be making the most of your life (what youve had of it - your still a kid really) im sorry but maybe u shouldnt feel sorry for yourself so much and dont worry what other people think - on the subject of suicide i think people are to quick to think about it these days its also a fucking selfish thing to do - u may not be in pain anymore but what about the people around u? from what iv read it just sounds rediculous to contemplate suicide because of a few insecurites!! this subject is pretty close to my heart i recently lost some friends because of it - someone id known for years, he was just a kid when i knew him but was 20 when he died, was found hanged in a block of flats, the police say he killed himself (but some people think he was murdered), anyway his twin brother couldnt live without him and he killed himself a day after his bros funeral, it really kills me to think about it, they were 2 young healthy boys with their whole lives in front of them and now their gone!

[GHoSToKeR]

Suicide isn't an option, not even a consideration.. I was just shocked that, for a second or two, I did consider the possibility.

Thanks for your kind words, guys.. F L E S H, you're right, I should provoke the change myself, but it's not as easy as it sounds. I mean, i've been told not to work for a while because of certain problems, so no work = no money. No money = no social life. See where i'm going with this? :p

And by the way, whoever said I should quit smoking, well, apart from smoking for a few days last week I hadn't smoked for weeks or months before that.

Ah well, eh....

[the last stand]

oh, so you just did it for attention!?!!?

[the last stand]

only jokin, glad you're feelin better mate...we wouldn't wanna lose ya yet buddy!

[GHoSToKeR]

What are you talking about? I've never spoken to you before! :p :D

[the last stand]

yeah...innit....

[mellow mood]

glad u seem to be alrdy better

be strong man

[Nevada]

Yo Ghost

I can relate, only not personally.

My boyfriend (who i've been with for 4 years now) and I met about 5 years ago. He was about 18 at the time and feeling pretty much the same way you are. (The cause was differnent, but end result the same).

He had split second suicide urges, was depressed, felt empty, all of that craptacular stuff. Especially the lying thing. To this day, he's still a compulsive liar about the stupidest shit, although not as bad and no longer for the same reasons. He'd lie about shit for which there is absolutley no reason to lie. Like, what he did on the weekend, what he has done in the past, all kinds of things like what you mentioned you lied about.

He has since overcome, partly because of me. I was able to see him for who he really was, past all the exterior he was masquerading.

I fell in love with him, and b/c i loved him for who he really was, he was able to shed all these negative images, feelings and compulsions. Slowly, mind you.

He has sinced gone to school, has a fantastic job, and is very very happy.

I'm not saying you need to find a girlfriend to make you happy.
I'm just saying that maybe you need to turn to someone who knows you for who you "really" are, like your parents or something.

YOU are a good person, but it's your ACTIONS you don't like. Change your actions, and you may find that the real you will come to the forefront.

18 is so very fucking young. What I wouldn't give to go 5 years in the past. You grow a lot between 15 and 1, and a fuck load more between 18 and 23. You may not know who you are simply b/c you haven't figured it out yet. And that's cool.

Good luck dude. Maybe you need to take a few weeks to go somewhere and be by yourself and think. really think. Meditate or whatever you need to do.

Peace. :)

[mellow mood]

become buddhist!!

[Caruso329]

Sorry to hear is GHoSToKeR, I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I struggle with anxiety and depression every day. Thoughts of suicide at least surface every two weeks or so I'd say. Never attempted it, hopefully never will, I could never actually go through with it. And like someone said, as cliché as it sounds

Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.

If you want to chat with someone who knows what you're going through send me an IM on AIM (Caruso329) or MSN ([email protected]). Or you can email me at [email protected] Hope things get better mate, for both of us. :) Later. ":cool:

[GHoSToKeR]

Hey guys,

To everyone who's given me their email address, thanks. I'd love to chat with you guys, but I don't wanna unload all my crap on somebody else (more than I already have..). As much as I don't object to talking about myself (hehe) I don't like talking about my personal problems.. for no reason other than I feel that others will feel that I like to talk about myself. Lol, dumb huh? But I really appreciate you guys being here for me..

Nevada, thanks for your rpely. I don't know if we've ever spoken to you before on these boards, and if I haven't then I should have. :)

Maybe you're right, maybe I just need to talk to someone.. I've thought about maybe getting some counselling or something, you know? The only problem is that I can't work right now so I wouldn't be able to pay for it, and i'm not comfortable with getting Social Services or whatever to pay for it, don't ask me why because I don't know. Lol

Wow, I can't tell you guys how grateful I am. Some of you i've known for a good while, and some of you I haven't, but it's still so nice when people can do their best to help somebody who they barely know, at least not in real life.

I'll be okay.. It was just a shock. I'm usually always happy, at least on the surface (I now realise that it's definately just on the surface) but that's usually enough to get me through the day until the next day starts. This time, though, something happened (I don't know what) that made me slip up, and that thin layer of happiness (or whatever you wanan call it) disappeared for a second. This was the consequence... :confused:

To those who've offered advice or kind words, thank you. Seriously, thank you. To those who are going through something similar, if you need anybody to talk to, about anything.. [email protected] :)

James

[Caruso329]

Ghost, if you don't want to talk about personal problems that's fine, but I'd still like to chat sometime. I added you on MSN, I'll say hey sometime when you're on.

[GHoSToKeR]

Awesome, man.. I'm gonna add all you guys to msn when I finally get it to fucking sign in, Lol :)

[beachguy in thongs]

So, Stoker, was sticking with Cannabis.com the answer?

[GHoSToKeR]

Yes.

[king kong bong]

wow i just read this,dont sweat it,everyone's fucked up.you sound a lil bit like myself.you have to look at it like this homes,you are technically labeled as being anti-social,so what?.now think about who's labeling you,society.society is one of the most fucked up things out there ,full of fake peeps and you dont want any part of that shit.i take it as a compliment.a part of you just wants to be accepted,thats the reason for your front.you just gotta accept yourself for who you are and forget about the haters.just do what makes you happy.

[lardman]

hey GHoSToKeR, dude when you your damn MSN signed in add me [email protected], and do you have a firewall? That could be why, cuz it wount let me sign in when i have firewall on. Just turn the firewall off, then sign in, then turn the firewall back on and msn will disconnect and start searching for a connection, just hit the "connect now" link under SIGN IN. It always works for me.

ttyl

[ScarlettCrush]

yeah

I did that too, and it's hard to look at yourself. Some things you just don't want to see, don't want to know about yourself, it is ok everyone, everyone feels this way at some point in their life. It is the dark side to being human.
People are vast
Judge people on their actions not their words.

I added you on msn too, you should get that one.

[HeLTeR.SKeLTeR]

first long thread I've entirely read in A WHILE.


hey ghost, u are not the only one but I think sooner or later we end up getting an answer, thats what life is about, questioning and analazing....


feel better champ

[tokosan]

Ghost your a cool guy seeing this post makes me depressed as well. Your comin down way to hard on urself man, everyone has thier little quirks.... even me (no rly)

smoke up pursue your dreams and be happy.



PS -- if i become mod and you remove your 3 testies, can i have them to take to the taxidermist?

[robert42]

i just found out ur name is james

why didnt u pretned u had a differant name somit myrsterious like

ray-jay
or
gavin
or
leroy

somit deffierant
like
lenny ooo yea

lenny or leroy ur pick

[Emperor]

I think he spelt on it,

and realised he was only having a bad day!

[GHoSToKeR]

Firstly, Tokosan, no you can't. Sorry man, but if you become mod i'm sticking 'em on some toast and havin' me some eats! :)

And Rob, errrrrr, since when was 'Leroy ur prick' a name? lol or 'lenny oooo yea'? haha :)

[beachguy in thongs]

.



PS -- if i become mod and you remove your 3 testies, can i have them to take to the taxidermist?

You're funny, Kotosan, I don't care what everybody else says.

[ilyas]

don't lie, don't cheat (people), don't steal, don't do the things that most of the religions tell us. all these are not done just to do a good deed, but to be actually happy...

our conscience is something we cannot possibly escape. don't give a damn about the things, that people think normal. they are not normal. and they don't become anything, because you want them to.

we are nothing, we have to face that...