relationsip with a mentally ill person

[ScarlettCrush]

Are any of you in a relationship with a mentally ill person?
What issues come up? Is it hard to forgive them?

[IrieAllie]

Scarlett...

You have NO idea how hard it is NOT to reply with some snide comment about my husband!!!! No, he isn't mentally ill (most of the time), so I will keep those comments to myself.

I WILL say, however, that my parents neighbor is mentally ill--and he is extremely difficult to deal with. He shows up at my parents house EVERY morning at 7am, to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. He's 50. No job. Lives with his parents. Wife took the kids and left--believe me, I understand why.

Guy lives in a dream world--constantly lying about things for no reason, then forgets what he's told people. When I go in to visit my family, I stay away until he goes home. He's always going on about how he, Mr. Irie and I need to "go out drinking". Oh HELL NO. Did I mention he's 50???? LOL Don't get me wrong--I've got nothing against 50 year olds... but one that acts like he's still a frat boy? Don't think so. I cannot imagine being in any kind of relationship with someone like that...never knowing if they are telling the truth or not.

He's been in this "rut' for three years. He says he's basically waiting for his parents to die, so he can have their house. WHOOSH.

[maryjanemama]

One of my friends is bipolar and borderline scitzo (I can't spell), for real. She is on all sorts of medication and sort of floats through life. If it weren't for the kindness of other people helping her out all the time I'm not sure where she'd be right now. She's been through countless relationships, jobs, apartments, and is on her second marriage at age 26.

I have tried so hard to be a good friend to her, but, lately, my patience has worn out. Dealing with her is almost like dealing with a child! She needs constant attention, help with even the smallest decisions, and she never claims responsibility for screwing up. It's always someone else's fault. I have forgiven her enough over the years and I am done.

[ScarlettCrush]

I guess I was asking because I am on the other side of the coin. I am mentally ill and due to recent events I can't afford my medication. I have tried to keep myself together but, I need it.
Last month I lost control twice, screamed and said mean things to corey. I have apologized profusely, took him out to dinner, and took extra good care of him to make it up to him. We talked over dinner, he told me he felt those two incidences came from my lack of medication and excess stress. He forgave me, tells me he loves me and still wants to marry me.
I still feel guilty about it, I still feel wrong and I don't know if that is a normal or correct feeling because I have no medicine.

[Ousted]

I guess I was asking because I am on the other side of the coin. I am mentally ill and due to recent events I can't afford my medication. I have tried to keep myself together but, I need it.
Last month I lost control twice, screamed and said mean things to corey. I have apologized profusely, took him out to dinner, and took extra good care of him to make it up to him. We talked over dinner, he told me he felt those two incidences came from my lack of medication and excess stress. He forgave me, tells me he loves me and still wants to marry me.
I still feel guilty about it, I still feel wrong and I don't know if that is a normal or correct feeling because I have no medicine.

Whenever you hurt someone, whether they have forgiven you or not, guilt over the hurting of someone you care about can still overwhelm you.

Early in my marriage I was extremely hurtful with my words when heated. I would lose control, I would lose my good sense when I let anger get the best of me, but fortunately for me I had an extremely loving and forgiving spouse. Most people wouldn't have put up with my sharp tongue for 2 minutes.
I knew something was wrong with my self-control and anger. I had no control over my emotions, and if I felt hurt, attacked, or threatened in any way, I had an uncontrollable urge to "win." Even if that meant going for the jugular. So, technically I would "win" the argument, but collectively I lost because I hurt my spouse, I embarrassed myself, and had to spend much more time trying to repair the damage I had done, and work even harder to get my spouse to trust me again. It was a cycle I had a difficult time breaking free from.

It wasn't until I started reading Dale Carnegie's books that I got the tools I needed to get my point across without extending my claws. His books have helped me understand people, effective communication, and a good understanding of my emotions. He lays it all out in easy to read, easy to understand, guidelines which really are such a cinch to infuse into your daily interaction because it changes your perspective entirely. You can't help but use the tools once you've read his books, because it doesnt make sense not to and to continue as usual, as thats proven ineffective. I've had much greater success using his tools than any medication Ive tried (though I am on Lexapro), and when putting his methods into practice it was surprising just how easy and effective they are. As time goes on you notice that your relationships are better than you ever could have imagined, people are more drawn to you, and you get an overwhelming sense of personal dignity and respect for yourself, which of course results in more self-confidence and therefore you're a much happier person.

I would highly recommend "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It's a life-changing book, the kind of book you cant put down until it's finished and you spend every chapter going "holy shit, this makes so much sense!"

Good luck!

[Ousted]

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0671723650/qid=1125602145/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-4917896-5382250?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Read some of the reviews and info if you're interested at all. :)

[ScarlettCrush]

That book has been recommended too me before!
I am usually very level headed, but this past month..
I met his mother for the first time
(she called me a prostitute on the phone a week prior)
my roommate/friend moved out with no notice
she stuck me with about 1700 worth of past due bills and rent
(and that is just HER half)
she said many horrible and hurtful things about me
she stole my TV
she kept a key to the house and wouldn't send it to me
I had to talk my landlord into changing my lease
I had to move my room
I had to call and beg every bill collector
I had to pay strangers to move my stuff
I am living alone for the first time in my life
I can't afford my meds
I cant go to the dentist (got a root canal and need a cap)
My ac broke
I got sick
corey got sick too
My lawn mower got stolen
I got ripped off for $30 trying to help someone

it's been a time and much harder without my meds

[kuulbns]

Scarlett, sometimes everything that can go wrong does all at once. I am sorry and wish this had not happened to you. Talk to your Dr. Call the office, explain you're out of meds and had some unexpected expenses, ask for samples to get you through. All Dr.'s offices have access to samples and they need to use them to get bonuses from the drug companies. Also Darling there is a program through the Dr.'s office, the "Compassionate Care Program". This provides meds to people who are unable to afford it. Merck, Lilly, and other pharmacuetical companies ship the meds to you free, 90 day supply at a time. Your meds are important, particularly when you are in a stressful period.
I think you're great btw, Insightful, intelligent, hip, and thoughtful.

[ScarlettCrush]

Thanks for the props, I wish I came off like that more in real life!

[ScarlettCrush]

I have to respond to Irie and MJ for a minute. When I read your posts I just winced, wondering if I came off like that to other people.
Without a doubt I am nothing like irie's experience. That does not even sound like a mentally ill person to me. Sounds like a lazy bum who is doing nothing but waiting on his folks to die so he can inherit their stuff and continue to do nothing. If he is mentally ill then he needs help because that behavior is not normal or desirable. Sounds mostly to me like he is just a bad person. My parents have joked with me, told me when they die I'm getting a boat, house, money, ect. I laugh about it but I am not making vacation plans or anything, if they died I would be devastated. I never want my parent's to die, just saying this stuff is making me feel kind of chokey....
If he said that out loud...that is horrible, shallow, selfish, callow and my opinion of such a person would be pretty damn low. I can see why Irie is so distainful of him.
Mj I'll get too in a bit, I have some chores and a session. :p

[IrieAllie]

It wasn't until I started reading Dale Carnegie's books that I got the tools I needed to get my point across without extending my claws. His books have helped me understand people, effective communication, and a good understanding of my emotions. He lays it all out in easy to read, easy to understand, guidelines which really are such a cinch to infuse into your daily interaction because it changes your perspective entirely. You can't help but use the tools once you've read his books, because it doesnt make sense not to and to continue as usual, as thats proven ineffective. I've had much greater success using his tools than any medication Ive tried (though I am on Lexapro), and when putting his methods into practice it was surprising just how easy and effective they are. As time goes on you notice that your relationships are better than you ever could have imagined, people are more drawn to you, and you get an overwhelming sense of personal dignity and respect for yourself, which of course results in more self-confidence and therefore you're a much happier person.

I would highly recommend "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It's a life-changing book, the kind of book you cant put down until it's finished and you spend every chapter going "holy shit, this makes so much sense!"

Good luck!

My husband took a Dale Carnegie course about a year and a half ago--did WONDERS for him. It was work-related, and the upper management had to attend. He was SOOOO pissed he had to "waste his time" on the course, and he ended up loving it. Took him out of his "comfort zone" and showed him how to be relaxed and at ease when out of it.

He also read the book you mentioned--in fact it's on my book case right now!

[IrieAllie]

I have to respond to Irie and MJ for a minute. When I read your posts I just winced, wondering if I came off like that to other people.
Without a doubt I am nothing like irie's experience. That does not even sound like a mentally ill person to me. Sounds like a lazy bum who is doing nothing but waiting on his folks to die so he can inherit their stuff and continue to do nothing. If he is mentally ill then he needs help because that behavior is not normal or desirable. Sounds mostly to me like he is just a bad person. My parents have joked with me, told me when they die I'm getting a boat, house, money, ect. I laugh about it but I am not making vacation plans or anything, if they died I would be devastated. I never want my parent's to die, just saying this stuff is making me feel kind of chokey....
If he said that out loud...that is horrible, shallow, selfish, callow and my opinion of such a person would be pretty damn low. I can see why Irie is so distainful of him.
Mj I'll get too in a bit, I have some chores and a session. :p

Scarlett,

If I made you feel bad IN ANY WAY, I truly apologize. My experience with my parents bum neighbor is as close as I've had to mentally ill. I completely understand it takes all shapes and forms, and isn't identical in any 2 people. With that said, you are a wonderfully insightful, intelligent, attractive and witty woman--and I hope you didn't take my post the wrong way.

Take care of YOURSELF, first and foremost, and keep us posted. Hugs and love, honey.

[ScarlettCrush]

I did get a twinge when I read the replies, but a nanosecond later I realize neither person is anything like me with their illness. I try very hard to overcome my sickness, when I hurt someone because of it I do not use my illness as an excuse, I apologize for my actions and state my illness as the reason why I acted so. I don't expect special treatment, when I fuck up I don't say "forgive me because I'm sick"
I say "I'm sorry that I am sick" I refuse to let my mental illness make me into a bad person. Many people treat others like shit, refuse to take responsibility for their actions, have no ambition, make stupid decisions and they blame mentall illness, they use it as a reason not to act right.
Just because I have this sickness, I do not have a right to inflict it on other people. I will not let it destroy me, I will not let it stop me from trying, I will not let it swallow me and make me a bad person.

and I think that might be the difference between me and Mj's friend.

[maryjanemama]

Scarlett, yes, you sound like a completely different person than Mandy is. At this point in time I have given up trying to be her friend. I have my own responsibilities and I do not have the time to cater to whatever "problem" she is having at the moment.

The thing that really pisses me off now is that she has married a man with 2 small kids. It didn't matter before when all the nutty things she did only affected her and whatever dumbass she was sleeping with, but now she's involved 2 little children in her crazy world. When she decides that she can't handle her new marriage and "it's not working out", who's going to explain what's going on to the 2 year old boy and 4 year old girl who think she's their new mommy? They're not like all of the pets she thought she wanted and ended up giving away after they proved to be too much for her to take of.

[GHoSToKeR]

Everybody is different. Some people may be in a relationship with an extremely stable person and still find some of their idiosyncrasies "hard to cope with". I think a relationship can only succeed if both people are willing to admit that they will never entirely get along, and that sometimes one party will become annoyed or even frustrated with aspects of their partners personality.

When one person in the relationship has some sort of mental illness (and I use the term in the mose vague sense), they may feel that their partner won't be able to cope. They may feel that they are putting unnecessary stress on their relationship, but I think that if both people are aware of the other's condition then they will be able to work around it, work through it, or at least deal with it when it puts the relationship in jeopardy. I'm sure your boyfriend realises that sometimes you can't control your emotions and that you may lash out, but if he is willing to stick at it then that's a start. It may be hard for him sometimes, but if your relationship has a strong base then it will overshadow any problems that either of your not-so-attractive aspects will cough up.

I had no control over my emotions, and if I felt hurt, attacked, or threatened in any way, I had an uncontrollable urge to "win."
A while ago I was in a long term relationship (only 11 months, but when you're 18 that's a hell of a long time!), and after a while she (I won't mention her name) started to act how you described. She would always try to "win" every situation, even if it was just a small difference of opinion over something as trivial as where to eat out. Eventually we discussed it, and she explained that, for different reasons, she sometimes found she couldn't control her emotions. I completely understood and every time she acted like this I just dealt with it in my own way (ignored it, basically) instead of arguing and causing the situation to esculate.

However, after a while I found I could no longer put up with it. I tried to be as patient and as understanding as I could be, but I found my patience could only stretch so far. Not only was she becoming aggressive and domineering more and more frequently, she was also trying to control every aspect of the relationship. Maybe if I had just told her to shut the fuck up right from the start then it wouldn't have got so bad, but that's not in my nature and it just progressed from bad to worse.

So I broke it off with her. I felt bad because she had explained to me why she acts that way, and that it "wasn't always her fault", but when people find a way of controlling a situation they'll exploit it until it becomes ridiculous. As long as you are positive that your actions are a result of your condition or because you've stopped taking your medication, and not because you've found an obscure way of controlling the relationship (i'm not saying that's what you're doing, but alot of people do!), then your partner should be able to work through it with you, and maybe he can even help you with what you're going through. Just make sure you explain it to him! :)

[GHoSToKeR]

PS - I know i'm only 18 so it might seem patronising that i'm giving you advice.. I apologise if it does coz I don't mean it like that. I'm just trying to help. Sociology - how individuals and groups of people interact, basically - is something that really interests me, so I pay alot of attention to how people behave. But I haven't been in that many relationships, I suppose, so I may be way off here. :)

[ScarlettCrush]

Your physical age has little to do with how old your soul is, how self aware you are and how wise you are.
Your advice is always welcome ghost.

[Ousted]

My husband took a Dale Carnegie course about a year and a half ago--did WONDERS for him. It was work-related, and the upper management had to attend. He was SOOOO pissed he had to "waste his time" on the course, and he ended up loving it. Took him out of his "comfort zone" and showed him how to be relaxed and at ease when out of it.

He also read the book you mentioned--in fact it's on my book case right now!

You would love it as well. It's an easy read, took me about a day to read, and then I read it again the next day. Its one of those books that you wonder why you didnt find it or read it years ago!



Ghost - I understand your frustration you had with your ex. I dont know if she was using her condition as a free pass to be controlling, but I know I did. I definitely used my lack of emotional control as a manipulative tool, cuz I could always blow up and act like a fool, then apologize later blaming my depression or whatever as being at fault, never really taking any responsibility or do anything to change it or prevent it.
It definitely strained my relationship. And when I finally became aware - which was by my husband saying almost word-for-word "You know, when you fight, you go for the throat, and I dont want to fight with you." It really hit home. I didn't want to be someone that people had to tiptoe around for fear of my exploding emotions. I knew that part of my behavior was because of depression, low self-esteem, etc, but I also know that I would allow myself to go further than I needed to with those who were "aware" of my little emotional problems because I would get my way when acting that way. So, after my honey said that to me I knew I had to do something, so I went to a doctor, did a little therapy, read a lot of books, and came to a revelation that I was a selfish little brat who wasn't very kind to people Im supposed to care and love just because I wanted to be in control. That was over 4 years ago, and my marriage and relationships have never been stronger.
Your dumping your ex may have been the best thing that happened to her, maybe it opened her eyes that her behavior wont fly with people for long. Or maybe she's continuing on as usual, draining the life out of the next bloke she found, who knows. But Im sure it was for the better if she seemed unwilling to change during the course of your relationship.

[donnie189]

YEAH I HAVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF SEVERAL TIMES DAILLY! LOL! MAKE SURE THEY TAKE THEIR MEDS, WE ARE GREAT LOVER IS ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THAT.