JOKES JOKES JOKES MORE JOKES!!!!

[jadeius]

ok, so i'm gonna go smoke me a cigarette and then i'm gonna post some jokes for your reading pleasure, since it went over pretty well last time...

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

BE RIGHT BACK BITCHEZZZ!!!!

[jadeius]

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A. A mechanic!

[jadeius]

Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"

[jadeius]

Q: What animal should you never play cards with?

A: A cheetah!

[jadeius]

Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says "Man it's hot in here." The other one says "Holy sh*t a talking egg!"

[jadeius]

Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Really? Well pet him first, he might let you do it!"

[jadeius]

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.

[jadeius]

You know you're a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are:

"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

[jadeius]

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

[jadeius]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[somebody someone]

errrm

[jadeius]

Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

[jadeius]

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, "We don't have any condoms. I''ll call room service." So he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'''' ''''No,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''

[jadeius]

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken's foot

[Takingsunday21]

I got one I'm sure most of you kow it though.

Alright an English man, a French man, and a mexican are all flying on a plane. They fly over England and the English man sticks his hand out the window. The French man asks "Why did you do that?" The English man says "I was touching Big Ben." Then they fly over France and the French man stick his hand out the window. The Mexican guy asks "Why did you do that?" The French man says "I was touching the eiffel tower." Next they fly over Mexico and the Mexican stick his hand out the window. When he pulls it back in he says "Damn! The bastards stole my watch!"

[jadeius]

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[McCauley Caulkin]

McCauley Caulkin has a joke also:

a guy sees a hippo, a lion, and a monkey. he asks the monkey "who is the best actor?" the monkey replies "robert redford" the mysteriously, the monkey explodes.
then he asks the lion the same question, the lion replies "elijah woods" then mysteriously the lion dies.
then he asks the hippo the same question, and the hippo replies "McCauley Caulkin", then the hippo turns into a human with a farrari and drives off into the horizon, begining his life as a millionaire human who lives in the hollywood hills.

[jadeius]

not a joke at all.....

you are the reason that we might suffer for eternity through satan....he could very well win the earth over god if you continue your ugliness....


:p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p

[somebody someone]

McCauley Caulkin has a joke also:

a guy sees a hippo, a lion, and a monkey. he asks the monkey "who is the best actor?" the monkey replies "robert redford" the mysteriously, the monkey explodes.
then he asks the lion the same question, the lion replies "elijah woods" then mysteriously the lion dies.
then he asks the hippo the same question, and the hippo replies "McCauley Caulkin", then the hippo turns into a human with a farrari and drives off into the horizon, begining his life as a millionaire human who lives in the hollywood hills.
lol dude

[Takingsunday21]

^^Not too funny...trying a little hard eh?

Alright I got another one.

An older man was talking at a wedding, he was giving the new bride and groom tips on having a good relationship. Finally he ended his speech with, "The secret to a good relationship, is you can't go to bed mad at your spouse." Later on at the dinner they found the man asleep at his table and woke him up. he woke up abruptly and startled and apologized, then he said "I haven't slept in 48 years."

[jadeius]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH you're too funny takingsunday....that was a great joke....

all my jokes that i post here are courtesy of comedy central's joke of the day emails....i don't take credit for them...

[somebody someone]

they sucked anyway

[Takingsunday21]

The last one, about marriage, I just made up. The one about the English man, French man, and Mexican I heard from a friend.

[Takingsunday21]

they sucked anyway

Your attitude sucks.

[somebody someone]

im sorry i apolagise, that was out of line, no hard feelings, i just dont really understand the jadius angle

[McCauley Caulkin]

okok McCauley Caulkin has a real joke, but its kinda gross:

what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?






































"see you next month" :D

[jadeius]

yeah it's not my angle, it's comedy central's joke-writers' angles....that's why i gave credit to comedycentral.com for the jokes...they're not my own...i just got them and found them fairly funny and thought and hoped that some other potheads would get a good laugh out of them...that's all i'm about...if you're not laughing and having fun, then you're gonna get bombarded with funny shit in my book...you're gonna goddamn laugh and be happy before i get done with ya... laughter is the key to life :D

[jadeius]

so sorry that was in reply to somebody_someone.....and for everyone to read to understand me a little mo' betta.....

[NowhereMan]

McCauley Caulkin has a joke also:

a guy sees a hippo, a lion, and a monkey. he asks the monkey "who is the best actor?" the monkey replies "robert redford" the mysteriously, the monkey explodes.
then he asks the lion the same question, the lion replies "elijah woods" then mysteriously the lion dies.
then he asks the hippo the same question, and the hippo replies "McCauley Caulkin", then the hippo turns into a human with a farrari and drives off into the horizon, begining his life as a millionaire human who lives in the hollywood hills.
McCauley Caulkin shouldnt quit his day job :confused:

[jadeius]

McCauley Caulkin shouldnt quit his day job :confused:


he doesn't have a day job, he has an all-around job of trying to make people jealous so he can feel happy about himself, and he's incapable of being happy by his own will....

[poorman3]

Do ya ever get the feeling? :rolleyes:

[NowhereMan]

Do ya ever get the feeling? :rolleyes:
yep

[poorman3]

yep
Looks like ya been busy! LOL. Me too! :eek:

[NoosaHeads]

Why dont blonds use vibrators.?.




They Chip to manny teeth...:D.

[looseends]

Three women - one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax."

[ermitonto]

A lawyer parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and ripping it off of his car. The lawyer was outraged.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer whined, "Officer, look what that person did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!"

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident."

"Oh my God....", gasped the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!"

[NightProwler]

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.

that's the only joke that made me laugh out loud

[ermitonto]

Why do they call it "PMS"?

Because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

[jadeius]

Three women - one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax."


AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! THAT'S FUCKED UP!!!!! :eek:

[jadeius]

A lawyer parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and ripping it off of his car. The lawyer was outraged.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer whined, "Officer, look what that person did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!"

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident."

"Oh my God....", gasped the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

[mellow mood]

i must say i laughed out when i read McCaulay's joke

hahaha