nephew advice? (sorry, a bit long)

[mlleyeuxbleus]

So, my sis (stepsis) moved down here last year from Maine, yay! I'm so thrilled to have family nearby, & I love my sis & her two boys, ages 5 & 8. They all actually stayed at my place for 3 months until she got her own nearby. I don't see them everyday as we are both busy with our own stuff, but we see each other regularly.

Sometimes she asks me to babysit, & I do whenever I can, of course... I'm helping her out & getting to spend time with my boys, whom I adore. Last weekend they were with me from Saturday afternoon til Sunday afternoon, so she could go have fun with friends. But OMG by the time they left, I was totally exhausted! These boys are INSANE! The 5 yr. old is a bit less, thank heaven, but boy-oh-boy, they are out of control! Screaming, destroying everything in their wake, not respecting me, my house, or each other, not listening to ONE WORD I say, etc. I feel like I'm in one of those awful kid movies, lol.

I try doing stuff like taking them to the pool or playground to burn off some of that energy, but that becomes a nightmare too. At the playground they toss mulch around, play rough, etc. At the pool they almost drown the other kids with their splashing & cannonballs, then run around asking all the other families if they can use their stuff. Argh. The thing is, I *love* kids in general. I love to play with them, talk to them, heck... some of my friends refer to me as a big kid, lol.

My conflict is... I love these kids to death, & my sis too. Of course I want to spend time with them. But afterward I often feel like I've been hit by a train. She knows they are wild; as a single mom she's pulling her hair out dealing with them too. The last time she dropped them off, she even brought her 'spanking spatula' for me to use... yeah right. She sent me an email this morning mentioning babysitting today (news to me), but I have ferocious cramps & am totally not up for much of anything at all, let along chasing after two cyclones.

So any suggestions as to what to do (not just today, but in the future)? Like, is it kosher to just let her know how I feel, & maybe hint that if they were more disciplined, it would be much easier? Or would it be ok to just ask to take one at a time (much simpler)? Any ideas on how to make kids that aren't mine listen to me? This is such new territory for me, & I don't have kids, so I don't know what might be ok. I don't want to alienate my family. Thanks for the room to vent & any advice that might follow.

[likemclever]

First, have a talk with your sis and ask her to have a chat with them about how to behave at auntie Mlleyâ??s house.

Boys are going to be boys of course but there is certain amount of decency and respect all kids need to learn how to have.

Then next time they come over let them know you have something fun planned. When they start acting a fool, tell them if they donâ??t start to mind you (respect you.) Than you will be leaving and going home and make it clear that youâ??re serious. You donâ??t have to be a Nazi about it, take them some place that onry boys are most suited (outside.) But when they fuck up and believe me they will, just leave. Just take them home and let them do some thing less fun like help you clean something (back yard/garrage.) Whatever you pick to do make it sound fun to the boys but cheep enough that you donâ??t mind loosing your money to because your probably gonna have to do this with them three or four times till they understand that your serious and not to be tangled with. As long as you do this nicely your sisters not going to fucking care cause sheâ??s getting a break from these little monstersâ?¦.killâ??em with kindness.

Donâ??t set them up for failure but expect it. Try and build some sort of containment room when their in your home. Maybe a yard, bedroom, or wherever they canâ??t fuck shit up and tell them when they want to play or be rowdy than this is where they do it. This is more damage control than anything and itâ??s easier to keep your house clean therefore less stress full.

Iâ??m a single mom of one my little one is four and sort of a nut at home but when she is at other peoples homes she acts very well. When she really acts out I think its because she misses me (Iâ??m busy with life to) so I try and spend a little more time with her.

Hope this helps and everything works out.

[DonnieDarko]

I think that the "overnights" should be the exception, and sis should not expect this too often.

Take them for shorter periods, and as likem said, have something fun planned: A movie, an amusement park, maybe you can set up a PlayStation or X-Box at our house. Something that they want to come over for. If they get too wild, then no games. The good news is that they will mature in about 10 years, and will not get caught dead at their aunts house (unless they find your stash).

[Ousted]

When you say they dont listen to you, what are you asking or saying to them exactly that they are ignoring? Are they ignoring "dont do that, dont act that way, no no no!" Or are they ignoring you if you say "If you continue doing that then this will be taken away or we arent going to do this if you dont start being good, well-behaved, polite, etc"?

In my job I listen to parents discuss their children more often than Im interested in hearing about it, but meh, and parents will often debate eachother on parenting styles, but a couple rules stick out for me that most parents are in agreement:

Never say "Stop being ___" as that labels them and only identifies their current behavior instead of offering a new behavior like if you said "Be nice, be polite, etc etc."

And that the only tried and and true form of punishment is taking away something thats important to them. I have one client who will bring in her child who is very well behaved and if she starts acting up the mother will say only once "If you want blah blah blah, you will be good and behave during my appontment. Its up to you." Only once did the girl misbehave during one appointment and the mother true to her word said "you made your choice, now lets see how long you want such and such taken away" The girl then spent the rest of that appointment behaving and being as sweet as pie because she knew her mother followed through with her punishments.


I would ask your sis to advise you on how to discipline. Im sure she understands that if you dont have a way to discipline the kids then they are going to suck the life out of you. She'll probably be flattered if you ask her for her parental expertise when administering disciplinary action. That way, once you guys have worked that out, you both will be on the same page, the kids will know you are, and they wont be as likely to run you over like a train when they come to visit.

For the record I dont have kids. So if you dont want to take my advice I totally understand, lol. :p

[mlleyeuxbleus]

Thanks to all of you for your input & ideas. Ousted, as for not listening, I mean they blatantly ignore specific things I tell them. For example, I took them to the pool where I live, which also has a hot tub. As we walked by the hot tub, the 8-yr.-old wanted to go in. I told him no, & explained that the hot tub was for adults. One minute later, I look up from opening the umbrella at our table, to find him lounging in the hot tub. I walked over & asked him to repeat what I had told him, & he did. I was like, so why are you in there? Cue big puppy eyes & an "I dunno" as he clambered out. GRRR. I would've asked him if he was deaf, except that he is, & I both signed & spoke to him, lol, & he signed back.

I get what you mean regarding not being vague, & I do try to avoid that. It is just very frustrating when I say specifically not to do something, & they just go right ahead anyway. All I want is to be the cool, fun auntie, yet I end up chasing around after them. Not sure about asking my sis for parenting advice, as this is the way they behave (or don't) with her as well... she obviously hasn't figured anything out.

Likemclever, I like that idea... it gives them the message that I want to have fun with them, but only if they can listen. And Donnie, yeah, that's the hard part... I know eventually they'll grow up & won't be around, so I'm trying to cherish the time we have now when they are young. It's just hard when I am constantly suppressing the urge to shake them, lol.

I guess if nothing else, it's certainly a lesson for if I ever have kids. I realize that if discipline is established from the get-go, it makes everyone's life more enjoyable. Granted, I dream of having bright, creative, free-spirited children (what idealistic non-parent doesn't?), but there has to be some form of structure or they just go wild.

[likemclever]

I am a little bit familiar with deaf culture (Iâ??m learning ASL) and believe me they are no dummies. He knows exactly what heâ??s doing.

I donâ??t know weather his mother feels sorry for him because she somehow feels responsible for his deafness or whatever. She might cut him a lot of slack on minding and he uses the puppy face because it pushes her buttons. Face it he wouldnâ??t do it if it didnâ??t work for him. Just a thought, I donâ??t know your sister or her situation.

Youâ??ll have to deal with being Auntie meanie for a while but after a bit youâ??ll be back in good graces and youâ??ll have a great time.

Peace Girl,

[kuulbns]

Any child will try to see just how much they can get away with. Once they know the bounderies, they will be better with you. They will continue to test their limits though, it's part of growing up. I think it's wonderful of you to take the time to spend with them. When they are grown they will always remember these days you've spent caring for them. I wish you all the best.

[Ousted]

Thanks to all of you for your input & ideas. Ousted, as for not listening, I mean they blatantly ignore specific things I tell them. For example, I took them to the pool where I live, which also has a hot tub. As we walked by the hot tub, the 8-yr.-old wanted to go in. I told him no, & explained that the hot tub was for adults. One minute later, I look up from opening the umbrella at our table, to find him lounging in the hot tub. I walked over & asked him to repeat what I had told him, & he did. I was like, so why are you in there? Cue big puppy eyes & an "I dunno" as he clambered out. GRRR. I would've asked him if he was deaf, except that he is, & I both signed & spoke to him, lol, & he signed back.

I get what you mean regarding not being vague, & I do try to avoid that. It is just very frustrating when I say specifically not to do something, & they just go right ahead anyway. All I want is to be the cool, fun auntie, yet I end up chasing around after them. Not sure about asking my sis for parenting advice, as this is the way they behave (or don't) with her as well... she obviously hasn't figured anything out.

So whats their motivation for listening to you? What will happen to the 8 year old if he disregards what you instruct of him? What happened when he did and went into the jacuzzi? Did he just get scolded or was he punished?You're not their mom so they probably wont listen to you unless there's a price they'll pay if they dont.
If you dont believe your sis to be much of a disciplinarian I would definitely set a boundary in place to your sis when it comes to babysitting her kids. You are the one who has to deal with them when they misbehave, and if you explain to her that though you love being an aunt and absolutely adore her children, you cant deal with being disrespected and ignored, and then utterly exhausted after a visit - it makes you not want to spend time with the kids at this point. I would work with her on mutually agreeing on a punishment that will be in place for her children if they misbehave while visiting with you. I really dont see how she could see that as an unreasonable request.