you like jokes? well suck on these for a minute...

[jadeius]

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read:
Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby
PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

[jadeius]

What's worse than having termites in your piano?

Crabs on your organ.

[jadeius]

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

[jadeius]

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

[jadeius]

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger

[jadeius]

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

[jadeius]

One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''

[jadeius]

more laterz...all jokes courtesy comedy central's joke of the day email

[BlueCat]

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

lol I like this one... :D

[jadeius]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[jadeius]

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"

[jadeius]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[jadeius]

(titled "sexy math")

What is the square root of 69?

Ate something.

[jadeius]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[BlueCat]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


Brahahahaha good one :D

[jadeius]

they just keep coming....i know some are kinda long but trust...they're worth it...comedy central writers are off the chain...

[jadeius]

What is the clumsiest insect? The Bumbling Bee.
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive? "Honey, I'm Home!"
What is a bee's favorite band? The Bee Gees.
What was their #1 song? "Stay in the Hive."

[jadeius]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[jadeius]

How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg? Whack him off!

[jadeius]

OMG I JUST REALIZED I'M JUST OVER 1000 POSTS!!!! YEEEEAAAAWWW!

[jadeius]

Signs That You're A Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

[jadeius]

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."

So the crocodile bit his legs off.

[jadeius]

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?

Eclipse it!

[BlueCat]

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."

So the crocodile bit his legs off.


OMG :eek: dark humor I love it.

[jadeius]

ok, this one's MY joke, not comedy central's...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
(Unique up on him)

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
(Tame way unique up on him)

(you might have to say it aloud to understand)

[jadeius]

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.

The father explained, No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!

[jadeius]

Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?

They gave him the cold shoulder!

[jadeius]

PUNS

# Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

# Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

# A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

# This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, ''I'll just have the eggs Benedict.'' His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, ''What's with the hubcap?'' The waiter sings, ''Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!''

# When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

# Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

# A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''Because,'' he said, ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

# A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

# A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer's cramp.

# A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ''Amal.'' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ''Juan.'' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!''

[fightingcock777]

whats better tham having a rose on a piano...?

tulips on an organ, (two lips on an organ)!! haha

[jadeius]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[BlueCat]

"I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA

[jadeius]

whats better tham having a rose on a piano...?

tulips on an organ, (two lips on an organ)!! haha

hahahahahahaha :D

[jadeius]

ok here's a little something i did....

i saw the post entitled "How do you do it?" and I responded "usually on my hands and knees with my face buried in a pillow"

[3 Sheets To The Wind]

Damn good jokes, i didn't get most (if any) of the puns, i'm usually good with them, but i gave up after reading the 5th or 6th one lol
Jokes were awesome though bud