2600
04-02-2005, 01:22 PM
Twenty-X. I got the first two solid bong hits in before I felt anything at all. Made the best of the third one, sat back and froze.
Really I was just waiting expectantly. I was wondering if it was weak or fake, or if Salvia even had any effects. Then I took a breath, and something felt separated- Something internal. I tried to move, and there was something between us. Remembering that thought now is scary, because it is much harder to wrap my mind around what us I am talking about (though perfectly clear at the time). They were all me, but even each of ??us? (me??s) were not contained within me. It was just enough separation to have a conversation with the ??ones? unfolding ahead of ??me? (from here on out, quotes are implied on any ??one?: me, you, we, us, etc. all the same thing).
There are connections in our existence we do not see, and they are huge. We are all one big entity. I could not see it even close to entirely even when I was aware of my attachment to it (to you, plural the rest of me, the rest of us, the rest of what we compose). I was not just thinking by or for myself, I was thinking for others, and they were thinking for me. We ARE part of a greater consciousness, and there is NOTHING we can do about it.
We are unfolding sheets, or cords, of energy, bundled around each other, unraveling. But we are so close to the action of, and it is so huge, that we can??t see the big picture (losing the forest for the trees), like if you are on a large curved surface (ie a sphere), and it is large enough with respect to an observer, it appears to be a flat surface to the observer (like us and the earth).
Ok, believe me, I hate the whole [mocking tone]energy layers bs, and we are all one, and single consciousness mysticism all the pseudo psych people spew, [/mocking tone] and I regret that mine doesn??t look much different. But sharing those terms with them is easier than believing no one has seen this before, or if they have, they haven??t they been screaming the truth to everyone??s face. Then I realized they probably do. They just come off as lunatics (unlike me? lol).
What is also kind of scary is reading the last sentence of the third paragraph. There is nothing we can do about it. Meaning I would want to do something about it if possible. It is somehow unpleasant to be part of something bigger we don??t understand, that is us, hurtling through (space? Existence? ). I lost the very definition of who I was. It became so randomly arbitrary it was beyond funny. I was overtaken by uncontrollable laughter, but I was NOT moving, my BODY was not laughing, but I was near shock with the idea of how define ourselves was ripped from me. This body is a pretty good approximation, right? I am self contained in here, and maybe if I believe in the mystical, or afterlife, or a soul or something, then I believe in an extension that no longer lives ??in here? (our meat) after death, at most. And I have even thought about that a lot in the past, but it really didn??t have an effect on how I really considered myself. We can??t define ourselves unless we understand the greater self, and the greater purpose.
Individually we are nothing in comparison to the scope of the whole entity. Not that our lives are not important, because taken together we compose the whole, but completely meaningless without the context of the rest of the pattern.
Today I am dealing with this epiphany that somehow gave me freedom and imprisonment simultaneously. For ??my? purposes, I have every other one to depend on for the what has to happen, because those are ??their? purposes too; but ??we? are just as responsible for the unfolding as well. It is on my shoulders just as much as anyone else. There is nothing we can do about it. We will still unfold whether you work against it or not (hypothetically. You don??t even know what exactly we are that is unfolding, so how could you ??work against it??). But even if you could, you would actually be working to help it (us/me/you)!
I have always liked the concept of gaia (like the earth is one organism), but I just always thought of it as an interesting way to think about things. Because while I can see the analogy b/t life on a smaller scale and the mechanisms of earth (people = cells etc, signature energy patterns ), it was always just that- an analogy. Just symbolic. No way could there be a greater consciousness, no way did the earth, as much as it looks like ??life? (however you define it), have thought for itself, like if you were looking at a dog with the same eye as a giant alien might look at the organism earth (hmm, it is life, does it think like we do? Or does it merely react).
But it is sooo much more than the earth. I couldn??t even see the earth as relevant, or even think about it when we/I/one/it was unfolding. I am just remembering gaia now as I am recalling all of this. If the gaia supporters only knew? ??organism? can be defined in a broader scope than even planetary!
This was obviously not the ??hardest? trip, where I was most out there, or fucked up, or confused, or ??seeing shit? (believe me, I know, I trip balls out shrooms/acid, completely different). I know you are going to say it is all a hallucination (except that hallucinations are purely sensory, so this would be a delusion lol), but I wasn??t seeing or hearing anything. It was just a matter of putting all the input together in a different way. This was not just confusion.
I know you are just chuckling, thinking I am tripping. I am not tripping anymore (I think it only lasts a few minutes, or an hour or something, I couldnt tell). And this is very real. I remember thinking oh my god how am I going to accept this, then figured out it doesn??t matter, I saw the whole progression afterwards, trying to explain it, then there is no need to explain it, ok so why are you doing this, it is pretty much like screaming in the middle of a field just for the fuck of it, it has no relevance here. There is no need to convince everyone of some vague notion of ??the unfolding,? because it wouldn??t even matter. The only possible benefit would be moral or altruistic in nature. Like the people that say we are all in this together, so lets be nice to each other, peace > war and all that. But just because I felt that simultaneous freedom and responsibility doesn??t mean I necessarily want or could do what is right (whatever that is, maximizing freedom and responsibility, if that is what you are supposed to do ANYWAYS! You are unfolding regardless!). Because realizing the proper choice (even before now) does not mean we necessarily follow it (trying not to get too much into free will vs. choice here, that was kind an irrelevant issue in all of this).
The only thing that matters now, to our lives now, is the way things work according to how we see them now. Which is no less true, or real really. It??s not like a trick or anything, there is no big conspiracy, unless it??s ourselves tricking us, which might be required to a certain extent. There is no need for my (for instance) white blood cells to have any awareness of what they are doing, they are going to do what they are programmed to do.
I never saw even a mere fraction of us/it, I couldn??t even imagine it, I was just perceiving it, asking and answering questions about it, and I remember even less now, about the specific questions, but I still see in that direction. My only problem is how can it be so unimportant, the nature of what we are. Because ultimately it doesn??t matter for us to function. I didn??t need to see all that. No one wants to I guess, that??s maybe why I have this mechanism in place, to keep my perception from getting toowide. What??sthe point of a white blood cell knowing what it??s doing? I didn??t even get anywhere near that.
We are part of something HUGE and I don??t know what the fuck it is, and I am not even speaking symbolically. I would demand that you take a look at it, but you may already understand what I saw and more, but just realize the unimportance of communicating it (because if it wasn??t an all of a sudden thing, maybe I wouldn??t have freaked out, like if I just grew up knowing it, it wouldn??t be such a big problem to process). Maybe someone else out there learned it from salvia, or dxm, and have seen it from a different angle. Or you just say I felt removed from my body Because now of course it looks like I would be expecting you to have the same trip, if what I said was truth. But we actually distort reality in two ways. Sensing stimuli is one filter (our sense organs themselves), then our cortex that puts it all together is another filter (we are biased in assimilating patterns). We might by chance see the same thing, but it is lost in language. Worth a shot, sorry for anyone who actually skimmed this who are still scratching heads.
Really I was just waiting expectantly. I was wondering if it was weak or fake, or if Salvia even had any effects. Then I took a breath, and something felt separated- Something internal. I tried to move, and there was something between us. Remembering that thought now is scary, because it is much harder to wrap my mind around what us I am talking about (though perfectly clear at the time). They were all me, but even each of ??us? (me??s) were not contained within me. It was just enough separation to have a conversation with the ??ones? unfolding ahead of ??me? (from here on out, quotes are implied on any ??one?: me, you, we, us, etc. all the same thing).
There are connections in our existence we do not see, and they are huge. We are all one big entity. I could not see it even close to entirely even when I was aware of my attachment to it (to you, plural the rest of me, the rest of us, the rest of what we compose). I was not just thinking by or for myself, I was thinking for others, and they were thinking for me. We ARE part of a greater consciousness, and there is NOTHING we can do about it.
We are unfolding sheets, or cords, of energy, bundled around each other, unraveling. But we are so close to the action of, and it is so huge, that we can??t see the big picture (losing the forest for the trees), like if you are on a large curved surface (ie a sphere), and it is large enough with respect to an observer, it appears to be a flat surface to the observer (like us and the earth).
Ok, believe me, I hate the whole [mocking tone]energy layers bs, and we are all one, and single consciousness mysticism all the pseudo psych people spew, [/mocking tone] and I regret that mine doesn??t look much different. But sharing those terms with them is easier than believing no one has seen this before, or if they have, they haven??t they been screaming the truth to everyone??s face. Then I realized they probably do. They just come off as lunatics (unlike me? lol).
What is also kind of scary is reading the last sentence of the third paragraph. There is nothing we can do about it. Meaning I would want to do something about it if possible. It is somehow unpleasant to be part of something bigger we don??t understand, that is us, hurtling through (space? Existence? ). I lost the very definition of who I was. It became so randomly arbitrary it was beyond funny. I was overtaken by uncontrollable laughter, but I was NOT moving, my BODY was not laughing, but I was near shock with the idea of how define ourselves was ripped from me. This body is a pretty good approximation, right? I am self contained in here, and maybe if I believe in the mystical, or afterlife, or a soul or something, then I believe in an extension that no longer lives ??in here? (our meat) after death, at most. And I have even thought about that a lot in the past, but it really didn??t have an effect on how I really considered myself. We can??t define ourselves unless we understand the greater self, and the greater purpose.
Individually we are nothing in comparison to the scope of the whole entity. Not that our lives are not important, because taken together we compose the whole, but completely meaningless without the context of the rest of the pattern.
Today I am dealing with this epiphany that somehow gave me freedom and imprisonment simultaneously. For ??my? purposes, I have every other one to depend on for the what has to happen, because those are ??their? purposes too; but ??we? are just as responsible for the unfolding as well. It is on my shoulders just as much as anyone else. There is nothing we can do about it. We will still unfold whether you work against it or not (hypothetically. You don??t even know what exactly we are that is unfolding, so how could you ??work against it??). But even if you could, you would actually be working to help it (us/me/you)!
I have always liked the concept of gaia (like the earth is one organism), but I just always thought of it as an interesting way to think about things. Because while I can see the analogy b/t life on a smaller scale and the mechanisms of earth (people = cells etc, signature energy patterns ), it was always just that- an analogy. Just symbolic. No way could there be a greater consciousness, no way did the earth, as much as it looks like ??life? (however you define it), have thought for itself, like if you were looking at a dog with the same eye as a giant alien might look at the organism earth (hmm, it is life, does it think like we do? Or does it merely react).
But it is sooo much more than the earth. I couldn??t even see the earth as relevant, or even think about it when we/I/one/it was unfolding. I am just remembering gaia now as I am recalling all of this. If the gaia supporters only knew? ??organism? can be defined in a broader scope than even planetary!
This was obviously not the ??hardest? trip, where I was most out there, or fucked up, or confused, or ??seeing shit? (believe me, I know, I trip balls out shrooms/acid, completely different). I know you are going to say it is all a hallucination (except that hallucinations are purely sensory, so this would be a delusion lol), but I wasn??t seeing or hearing anything. It was just a matter of putting all the input together in a different way. This was not just confusion.
I know you are just chuckling, thinking I am tripping. I am not tripping anymore (I think it only lasts a few minutes, or an hour or something, I couldnt tell). And this is very real. I remember thinking oh my god how am I going to accept this, then figured out it doesn??t matter, I saw the whole progression afterwards, trying to explain it, then there is no need to explain it, ok so why are you doing this, it is pretty much like screaming in the middle of a field just for the fuck of it, it has no relevance here. There is no need to convince everyone of some vague notion of ??the unfolding,? because it wouldn??t even matter. The only possible benefit would be moral or altruistic in nature. Like the people that say we are all in this together, so lets be nice to each other, peace > war and all that. But just because I felt that simultaneous freedom and responsibility doesn??t mean I necessarily want or could do what is right (whatever that is, maximizing freedom and responsibility, if that is what you are supposed to do ANYWAYS! You are unfolding regardless!). Because realizing the proper choice (even before now) does not mean we necessarily follow it (trying not to get too much into free will vs. choice here, that was kind an irrelevant issue in all of this).
The only thing that matters now, to our lives now, is the way things work according to how we see them now. Which is no less true, or real really. It??s not like a trick or anything, there is no big conspiracy, unless it??s ourselves tricking us, which might be required to a certain extent. There is no need for my (for instance) white blood cells to have any awareness of what they are doing, they are going to do what they are programmed to do.
I never saw even a mere fraction of us/it, I couldn??t even imagine it, I was just perceiving it, asking and answering questions about it, and I remember even less now, about the specific questions, but I still see in that direction. My only problem is how can it be so unimportant, the nature of what we are. Because ultimately it doesn??t matter for us to function. I didn??t need to see all that. No one wants to I guess, that??s maybe why I have this mechanism in place, to keep my perception from getting toowide. What??sthe point of a white blood cell knowing what it??s doing? I didn??t even get anywhere near that.
We are part of something HUGE and I don??t know what the fuck it is, and I am not even speaking symbolically. I would demand that you take a look at it, but you may already understand what I saw and more, but just realize the unimportance of communicating it (because if it wasn??t an all of a sudden thing, maybe I wouldn??t have freaked out, like if I just grew up knowing it, it wouldn??t be such a big problem to process). Maybe someone else out there learned it from salvia, or dxm, and have seen it from a different angle. Or you just say I felt removed from my body Because now of course it looks like I would be expecting you to have the same trip, if what I said was truth. But we actually distort reality in two ways. Sensing stimuli is one filter (our sense organs themselves), then our cortex that puts it all together is another filter (we are biased in assimilating patterns). We might by chance see the same thing, but it is lost in language. Worth a shot, sorry for anyone who actually skimmed this who are still scratching heads.