Troy420
04-01-2005, 01:17 AM
I started this a little bit ago and was posting on another board, but I though I would share it. It's a story, in autobiographical form, but more in the sense of a online blog. Now remember this is a story so it will be long. This tells the story of Troy, a 21 year old in the middle of nowhere midwest America.
Mods, I have some questions for you. Not 100% sure on the rules on posting different discussion topics on here. There will be illegal drug use very much involved telling the story of a severely bi-polar manic depressive with severe anxiety disorder that is part of the 20% of individuals that aren't positively helped by any medications (I've been on 8 that I can still spell) and has had to find his own ways to be able to deal with the obstacles the disease puts in front of him. Is it not a good idea to be posting here about the use of illegal drugs if the person it is about remains unknown and unlinked to any real connection? I guess I'm just asking if I post here about this will I go to jail?
DISCLAIMER
This work is copyrightedĀ© 2005 by Troy_420 who retains sole possession to all rights and privileges contained within the law, domestic and international.
Permission is given to individual readers to retain 1 copy (electronic or print) for personal use. Copies to mirror sites of the original posting sites (ASSTR, EWP, SOL) permitted. Any other use is reliant on the written (electronic or printed) permission of the author who retains copies of all requests and grants. Any other publication, reprinting, archiving, or other use, in whole or in part is forbidden. Any exceptions to the above provisions require the permission of the author as stated. Reposting of the electronic media versions of the works of this author can be obtained by sending a request to the author.
The following is a work of fiction and is just a fantasy. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and entirely unintentional. There may be references to people in a historical context, but they are not really characters in this story. The story contains drug use, and strong language. Adult minded people only here. Suicide, cutting, Self Injury, and sexual abuse are talked about. If these topics are tiggers for you don't read.
My Story, My Life
Monday, March 28, 2005
Well, its 5:30 in the morning, I have to go to work today at 2:30 and Iā??ve been stoned for 6 days straight all day. Iā??m feeling okay, but more tired and anxious than anything. Iā??m just so anxious over tomorrow. I am meeting the girl that got away tomorrow morning. We are going to talk as friends, but I miss her sooo much. And Nicole, how could I forget about Nicole. She is the girl in the now, sheā??s who I could fall for easy and she the same. When will she get back, when will she call meā?¦ So much might be happening in my life in the next few weeks, I donā??t know whether I am overjoyed or scared. Wow, what a story to tell. This is just the start, I need sleep, but a lot more to come. Good night for now.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
The last week has been a wild ride. I was so far down and now am coming back up fast. Iā??m going to be jumping back and forth in time while keeping with the present. Somewhat like a journal with flashbacks. First, a little background on myself. Who am I? We will call me Troy in this endeavor. I am 21, just turned this month, tall, dark complexes (Sicilian background) and I live in the middle of nowhere middle of America. I am severely bi-polar (wondering about bipolar, ask) and have been on heavy medication for the last 5 years. I can still spell 8 that I have been on, the others I forget completely but somewhere in the realm of 12-15 different psychoactive drugs (prescribed). With the high doses I have to take for them to work for me, my body builds up a resistance quickly and they stop working at all after about a year to a few months. Iā??ve been on my last medication, effexor for a year and a half. About two weeks ago, it stopped working and I crashed hard. Very very hard. That is another story though for later. Right now I am just going to go back to the last two days, Saturday and Sunday.
I had finished the 1/8 of pot I had gotten the night before. I was suppose to get a nice Ā¼-1/2 but three different people fell through. Saturday, I get up, I take a few resin hits out of my pipe to get a buzz going and wake up. I had been stoned since the Tuesday night before the weekend, so 4 and a half days straight so far. I was coming down and I need to get up FAST. I meet up with my friend I was rolling with who lives two streets over. He tells me that we are going to go go carting at about 4 so we had a few hours to kill. I wanted to go up to a pet store and get some corals for my saltwater reef tank (LOT more on that later) so we take off but I make a stop first. Just turned 21 so I got a 4 pack of white Russians for me and country sippers for him. With it, I take 5 15mg pills of DXM, or 75mg. I drink two of the bottles on the way to the pet store. Buy a $45 dollar coral, a blastamosa frag. Hereā??s a pic.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/life1.jpg
We leave there for my house and I take another 5 pills of DXM, so a total of 150mg, a small dose for me, but combining it with some alcohol and some pot really brings it out so I didnā??t over do it. We take the coral to my house and drop it off and head for the raceway. We meet up with three other guys and one of them just happens to be a stoner and has a 1/8 on him. Oh, what, you can get me a Ā¼ easy? Lets go. He takes me to a small cruddy trailer park where I used to deal from a guy there. We meet up with this older guy who brings me into his trailer and pulls out a bit more than a Ā¼, gets his scales out and weighs it up to a Ā¼. He first asks me if Iā??m a cop and tells me if I rat him out that he will have to kill me, lol. Head that one a time or two. Sells me the Ā¼ for $50. I didnā??t think it was too bad for a full Ā¼, but I later realized the stuff was shit. Either ditch weed or brown Mexican. It looked okay in the sack, but tasted like shite and hit hard as a bitch. By this point the DXM and alcohol are kicking in so Iā??m feeling pretty trippy. I drive down with the stoner and we match full bowls and got stoned good. We get to the raceway and we go in and it hits me standing there, I am more than fucked, I canā??t do anything in public right now, get me the fuck out of here the woman behind the counter is giving me a funny look! I pull my friend aside and get his car keys, and stumble out to the car. Luckily it was the middle of nowhere in a parking lot where nobody can see you. I put in Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head and just tripped the fuck out. It was so good. Thatā??s a great album to listen to stoned, more emotional though. It got me thinking about the girl kind of in my life. Nicole, it just reminded me exactly how I feel for her, love, I know I could love her if she let us fall together. Another story for another night. Anyway, hereā??s the view from my tripping place at the time.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/life2.jpg
Iā??m sitting there and itā??s been awhile and Iā??m coming down. It hits me, had yet to eat that day and its 7:00pm. Where are they? I finally get up and go in to see whatā??s going on. They just got off the track and are going again and want me to. Iā??m up for so a buy a ticket. It was a great idea whoever came up with it though. The place was pretty nice, they had an indoor just oval track but fishbowl shaped. The cars werenā??t your ordinary little go karts either. They were the ones with the full metal roll cage with enough power to GO! There are five of us with a total of about 12 drivers. Holy shit it was fun. We got the no bumping sign the last half of the race and the whistle about 3-4. Hell of a lot of fun. I demand food so we head back home, smoke another bowl, and stop at Taco Hell, run for the bathroom. I get three hard taco supreme, my fave. Now what did we do after thatā?¦.Damn, I think that is a point I was too fucked up to remember. I know the stoner guy I got some from left, and it was my friend and I. Iā??m not really sure what we did. Oh, I remember now. We drove down to the biggest city close to us and went to a super Wal-Mart. I bought American Beauty. Oh, it was around that time that I find out he did X earlier and is fucked up and doesnā??t want to smoke any. So I smoke another bowl on the way home and drop him off because he has to work in the morning. I go and rent Garden State and head home. I watch both movies and smoke about 4-5 bowls and just melt into myself. Both movies are very good, I recommend them. Itā??s about 5 in the morning then so I finally call it a night after smoking one more bowl.
Thatā??s my Saturday, I will post about Sunday, which is even more fucked up later tonight, and Iā??m going to go smoke a bowl right now though.
Back now. Just smoked a joint all the way down. Feeling pretty good. Just put on The Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon collie and the Infinite Sadness, Dawn to Dusk. Listen to this album stoned. Itā??s really good, it just shows his musical talent. Remember guys, he got his start back in 87-88, the same time as Nirvana. Going back to my roots with these guys. They are my first favorite band. Ask me anything about the band and I could probably tell you. I think I am going to have to put Sunday off for an other night. Iā??m pretty tired from the week I had. Today though. Today, I had to go to work after a three day weekend. The big thing was I was to meet my first love, after not seeing her for about a year in the morning. I was up late last night, but set my alarm for 9:30AM. My mom wakes me up about 11 asking me if Iā??m supposed to get up for something as my alarm is blaring. It had been going off for an hour and a half while I still slept. Shit, canā??t clean my room now because I woke up late. I call her, and she agrees to meet me at Burger Kind at 12:30. I smoke a bowl and then go up and take a shower. Itā??s a bit after 11 and I have about an hour before I need to leave so I feel like I have plenty of time, wrong. I slip down with the tub plugged as the hot water showers on me soothing me so much. I sit back up and look at the clock, I read it as 12, thinking I have about 15 mins to get ready. Nope, it actually says, 1 and I am half an hour late. I run and get dressed and run out the door. I meet up with her and we eat sitting in the back of her truck in the parking lot with it being a nice day. See, there is a long story between us, but that is also for later, but we will leave it at, we got close at the begging fast, I felt she was the one, and she decided she didnā??t fell that way. She avoided me for a while but we kept in contact. Hadnā??t talked to her for about 4-5 months as she is away at college now. Then I decided to email her the night I crashed and I scarred the shit out of her. Part of why we are seeing each other now. We got together purely as friends but I have a sense she is just doing this out of kindness, and because she feels she has to. The thought hurts but I donā??t blame her. She was one of the first to see me for the freak I can be when not right upstairs. Oh god. It was wonderful to see her though, I still love her but know nothing will ever come of it so I have in a way moved on. We talked, she came over and saw my reef tanks, I got a picture, and we said goodbye. She doesnā??t look great in this pic, her hair is pretty flattened but itā??s in little braids. You can get an idea of how she could clean up well though.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/life3.jpg
Now how could you not fall in love with her when you are my age? She is 18, almost nineteen, about 5ā??5ā?, 117lbs but built small, brown naturally very curly hair, and very pretty blue eyes. Oh, and she had the personality to back every bit of it up. My heart still hurts for her. I am pretty sure she had suspicion this was some kind of way of trying to get back together with her. In a small way thereā??s a part of me that hopes, hey, maybe she is suppose to be with me and something will happen, but I know in reality we wonā??t. Sheā??s not really the girl in my focus right now anyway. ā??Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage, than someone will say that what is lost cannot be savedā?¦ā?¦and I still believe that I can not be savedā? Anyway, after she left I had to rush to work coming off of a six day drug binge. Funny thing is I felt fine going into work. I was still high but coming down and I felt completely normal. Then I started coming off of it as I worked and I started feeling horrid. The night went by pretty fast though as I was doing something new. After work though, I head out to my car to pack a bowl and there is a note from an ex girlfriend stuck in my door. She wants me to come over to her house and knock on her window. Great, I pack the bowl and smoke it and head to her house. I stop over for a while but I needed to get out of there, I was starting to shake from being cold so I went home and here I am.
Holy shite, has ANYBODY else listen to Machina 2, the Friends and Enemys of Modern Music? You can only get it online, was never really released. Damn man, what the fuck was he on when they made that? He had to have been fucked up. You have to listen to it fucked up yourself though. Here is a link to download it. http://www.billy-corgan.com/downloads/mp3/machina2/index.php Very much worth your time and bud. It's fucked up though, just warning you. But damn, if you like shit like NIN or Tool, you'll like it. Any Mars Volta fans out there hell yeah?
fuck I need sleep.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Oh fuck, this is getting to messed up. Okay, yesterday I wake up late and smoke a bowl and am feeling fine from that and I go to work. I'm with an oriental guy that you can't understand so we just don't talk. About an hour in I lose my buzz and I just can't do it. My medication is messing me up. Here's a post from last night.
"There is a huge story on all of this, the details of which I will be writing in another thread, but it comes down to this.
4 years ago, diagnosed as severely major depressive with severe anxiety disorder. I was put on many different ssri's with none of them working at all, most had worse side effects than the actual condition. Actual condition included - severely depressed mood, lack of energy, hearing voices, delusional paranoia, suicidal thoughts, rapid wide mood swings, rapid weight loss to the point of anorexia, insomnia (going for days not sleeping, sleeping 12 hours over a 10 day period). Those are just the main symptoms. Side effects from drugs included - the very first one the put me on, a day after starting I was rushed to the hospital with the right side of my body violently convulsing to the point of causing bodily harm. It took them over 7 hours to get the convulsions to stop. Do you know what hell that is? They didn't have an explanation for it as there was no other case like mine. It was written down as a severe panic attack, yeah right. I also had very blurred vision from one, another caused me to go duuuurrr, couldn't talk without slurring everything, another caused me to hallucinate, one I couldn't get it up and it took me about 3 mins to get myself to go pee. Hmmm, there's a lot more.
Other medications that I have taken have had low side effects, but I have to take the max dose and after about 6 months they just stop working. Just happened to me two weeks ago. I'm going to try and get me on depakote, but I have no idea how my body will react to it.
Anyway, I was taking all these different drugs for about a year and nothing does me any good and I'm getting very suicidal and then I found pot. I smoked nothing but pot for about a year straight, almost every day. I was feeling fine, really good actually. Then it all hit. Lost all of my connections because my friend was stealing from them. I ran out of pot, fiended for a few days and got a couple small buzzes, but I ran out of everything and I just craaashed. I then also decided to stop taking my medication. Two weeks later I swallowed over 200 pills and drank half a bottle of bathroom cleaner. My mom found me and the suicide letter the next morning. Nobody knows how I lived. Thing is I never passed out, I was awake all night, and I remember every single second of that night like a movie. There is not a single day that doesn't haunt me.
After that happened I was hospitalized and the truth about the pot had to come out or I wouldn't have gotten out. The whole thing was blamed on the pot, but thing was I hadn't smoked for three weeks before I tried to off myself. I had to quit for good though, I didn't have any other choice. So for almost two years I've been clean and struggling with meds, was on about 6 different ones during that point of time, and crashed a total of three times, two while in college to which I had to drop out because of, the last I lost my previous job over. This last crash, was the hardest I crashed since my suicide. I ran to a works friendā??s house and smoked up some goooood shit. Oh god I felt good. Spent the last 8 days straight stoned and doing perfectly fine.
See, it evens me out, mellows me when manic, and gets me laughing with depressed or suicidal. It doesn't have any other side effects except short term memory problems for me. One big difference, pot was made by nature, all the drugs I've been prescribed are synthetic and man made which doesn't agree very well with my body.
Now, wouldn't you say this merits use?"
Well, I was at work and my medication hit me hard, it's not working anymore. So I talk to my supervisor and he has me go home. I spent most of the rest of the day high and feeling okay. When I got home last night after watching a movie lying with my ex in her bed, another story, I see that Nicole is online. She changed her name to 'if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right'. I IM her and never hear back, but it was late so I was guessing she was away from her computer. Here's the short story on Nicole. I've known her for several years, about 5 I think. Liked her the minute I saw her. She was always just so distant from me I never really got to know her. She was distant from everybody though. I later found out about her past. She had been molested from the age of 6 till she got her period at 12 by her mom's boyfriends. Her mom is an alcoholic and Nicole pretty much takes care of her. Thing is the girl is the most awesome person I know. Even with everything that has happened she is in college and studying to be a psychologist. Well, about a year ago it came out how much I liked her. She admitted she had considered dating me several times before, but was just never ready. Then I didn't hear from her for several months. We would randomly start talking again, serious conversations and it would always come out how much we liked each other. It would get serious and she would back away and I wouldn't hear from her again. I know she isn't really doing it on purpose, I understand the issues I have, because I have a lot of them too. Her dad committed suicide a year ago. She's anorexic and bulimic again. I'm worried about her and I just had to know if I was waiting around for a chance that's never going to happen, so I emailed her.
This is what I said'
"I've been hoping to hear back from you for a while. I crashed last weekend. I crashed hard. Scared several people, they thought I was suicidal. Coming out of it though. Will tell you the rest of it later if you care to hear. I don't know what do right now, and I think you are going through some hard times, but it just hurts how you push me out of your life completely. I'm just going to put it all out and see what your answer is. I could very easily fall for you. I haven't yet, because I haven't let myself fall. I knew you weren't ready for anything and I just pushed the feelings away hoping that at some point you would be ready for me. It's just hard when you feel that way about somebody and they push you away like it happens. I know that's how you are, I can do it to people I care about it a lot, but what's the deal here? Do you think I don't understand? Do you think I don't know where you are coming from? Dang it, I want to help you, but you won't let me. I guess what I have to know is, do you actually still like me? Am I waiting around for a chance with somebody special that will never happen? I need to know what you are thinking, and the truth. You really can tell me anything, even things I don't want to hear. I mean, if you just don't feel anything for me anymore or never really did, I need to know because I need to move on if not. I care about you, I care about you a lot, more than you know, but it's hard sometimes. I listened to this song today and it just reminded me so much of you. Talk to me soon, please. I really need to hear from you, see you even.
Please get back to me
Let go
Drink up baby down
Hmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy
Writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've twenty seconds to comply
So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Yeah let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let it go
Oh it's so amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown "
She replied the next day -
"Hey 'Troy', I cannot write everything that I want to say right now because I have to go to work. I'm going to Michigan for a couple days, but when I get back I promise to get a hold of you. You do mean a lot to me. You are always there for me even when I try not to let you. Please know that I do want to be here for you and if you did call upon me in need, I would jump right in to help you. Hang in there and you're right I'm going through hell right now (too). Talk to you soon.
Nicole"
I told her today that I was home from work and that I needed to talk to her as soon as she has a chance.
I think she could be a model if she wanted, hereā??s her pic.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/00-2.jpg
Then I noticed something. I viewed her profile and she had changed it last night.
BUT, it was what she said in her profile.
I think she may be hiding she is a lesbian and what all this might be about.
Here are a few things she said-
I love my friends&family.
I love God.
I love rainbows.
I love pickles.
I love drama and comedy.
I love Ellen Degeneres.
Bowling, dance, writing, learning, music, movies, shopping, being silly...
I hope to establish myself as a well known professional writer, psychologist, and advocate for suicide prevention, gay rights, and eating disorder awareness & prevention.
Gay rights, Ellen Degeneres, rainbows? She trying to say something there? Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I have yet to hear back from her and I know she is home. If there really isn't a chance between us like I have been thinking for the last year it will just kill me right now. I don't know what to do.
I messed up pretty badly today. I need to remember not to talk to people when I am like this (practically out of my mind). I ran out of pot today. My friend fell through again. I am officially on FMLA and out of work. Without pot to help keep me stable today and my medication really messing with me, I am losing it.
I was crashing and one of my ex's was online. We were together a year and very serious at the time, stated dating around the time I was quiting drugs the first time. We ended up spliting because neither of us could handle the relationship with my mental disorder at the time. She was with me during several of my crashes and it hurt her a lot. She still cares about me a lot, we are still good friends, but we both know we will never get back together. Anyway, I was crashing today and she was online so I IMed her. I started talking about how I was doing and that I thought Nicole might be hiding she is a lesbian. I share personal stuff with her all the time, and she is one of the very few people I still trust, but no, this one time, right after I got done talking to her, she had to go and tell Nicole what I was thinking. Fucking bitch.
Not really knowing Nicole knew, I talked to her online later. Here's the convo. I'm crash.
crash says:
you in bed?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
no
crash says:
just not doing well
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
what's alicia's email?
crash says:
um, let me look
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
thanks
crash says:
editedā?¦ā?¦ā?¦.
crash says:
why?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I lost it
crash says:
oh
crash says:
one question for you, maybe two. wondering who your screen name is about
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Nobody, it's a lyric that I just like
crash says:
ah, k
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
just how strong and profound love can be
crash says:
very true
crash says:
I was bored and checked if you had a profile and read it
crash says:
one thing stuck out to me
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I saw your email
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
what's up?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I just changed it yesterday actually
crash says:
I don't know, it just confused me, about advocating for gay rights, which is usually seen as anti-christian
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Yeah I know. It is a complicated issue. Advocating their rights doesn't mean I support all that they do. Love the sinner, hate the sin kind of thing
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
God accepts them as people and they are equal in their eyes; I want to help them feel accepted
crash says:
understand, I disagree with it, but don't condem it
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Not all gay people commit gay acts
crash says:
I was just wondering if there was a person in your life that brought had made it an issue in your lif
crash says:
e
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Loads
crash says:
at college?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
No I've been raised around them; in the family and close friends of the family
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
They've raised me
crash says:
okay, it was just a had several gay friends at the academy
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Can't say I know any at Taylor
crash says:
one girl who was bi who was just so fun to be with
crash says:
yeah, guess there wouldn't be
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Why wouldn't she?
crash says:
she wouldn't. she had a great personality, but people around here see them different. Like they are going to turn them gay or something
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
i see
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Editedā?¦. is quite conservative
crash says:
yes
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
but there's more gays here than most people realize
crash says:
very true, ahh, yes, prime suspects of being prejuduce, both my parents
crash says:
but mostly my dad
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I'm thankful for my mom who is quite accepting and open-minded
crash says:
I know this may sound stupid, but I had a quick thought today that you might be
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
That I might be gay?
crash says:
yeah
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
interesting
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
what made you think that?
crash says:
not accusing you really. It was just that it could make a little sense. First your background with men
crash says:
then today I saw about you advocating rights for gays and I was just like, wait a sec.....
crash says:
but then I was like, uh, no
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I suppose I could see where the pieces might fit together. You're not the first one, believe me I've been questioned several times
crash says:
I didn't want you to take offense
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I try not to let it upset me. But it does when people talk to other people about
crash says:
yeah
crash says:
I've been accused of it many times myself, but I know in my heart who and what I am
crash says:
I do have to admit, I did ask Alicia about it, more because she is the only close friend I really trust and I tell her most things
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
It is rude, disrespectful. It is gossip. It's bullshit and that is what makes me upset. It really is nobody's business whether I am gay or not. If I wanted people to know I would tell them, not just go around dropping hints here and there. Yes I absolutely love rainbows, Ellen Degeneres, the color purple, and stand up for gay rights. One should not assume that I'm gay.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I already know you talked to Alicia
crash says:
yeah, figured
crash says:
mad at me?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
No
crash says:
I didn't mean to upset you about it. It's been a really bad day and haven't been thinking right
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
It is okay Troy. I'm called you asked me about it. I'd hate for you to just be assuming something about me.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Alicia was just upset and had to confront me about it herself
crash says:
I wasn't really assuming, I was curious as to why it seemed like it could be true. Alicia was the wrong person to talk to, I guess I put too much trust into her... I was crashing pretty bad at the moment too. I need on new meds and fast
crash says:
I saw her online and just started talking
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I don't think she minded
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
She really cares about you
crash says:
I guess I just wonder if you really do too?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
If I didn't then I wouldn't be here IMing you
crash says:
Yeah, true.
crash says:
I messed up today Nicole. I am sorry. I didn't mean to seem like I was gossiping about you.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Don't fret over Troy
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I'm over it
crash says:
I've been waiting for you for almost a year I think, waiting for that chance, and the fact that you could be gay and hiding it, scared me, because it would have meant there never was a chance
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I know you care about me and wouldn't be out to hurt me
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I see
crash says:
so I crashed today
crash says:
but I wasn't in a good place to begin with
crash says:
do you realize that though
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Yeah from your emails I knew you weren't doing so well
crash says:
oh, well that, but all how I have been waiting for you
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I never considered that you were "waiting"
crash says:
maybe not the right word
crash says:
but I've always held onto the hope of a chance at seeing how things would go between us. So in a way, yes I have been waiting. If you told me you weren't ready, I would wait as long as you needed. Though I have been starting to wonder if I am really waiting around for anything
crash says:
maybe online isn't the best way to talk about it
crash says:
this
crash says:
you need to get to bed, I can call you tomorrow
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
You shouldn't be waiting around for me Troy. That just doesn't seem right to me.
crash says:
Well, there isn't anybody else in my life right now
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I've had other people say that they were waiting for me, it is just...I don't know. Maybe I don't understand. Just seems like one should go about their life and if something is meant to be, then God will make it happen when he wants it to. But that could be in a couple months or many years down the road.
crash says:
I guess I need to know if I should just move on then.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I do not have romantic feelings for you. I care about you and truly want you to be in my life. I don't want you to push me away and I'm attempting not to push you away. It is not something I do intentionally. You are just not the only one going through rough times or "crashing" or on bad meds for that matter. I want you to be happy and healthy. I think about you, care about, worry about.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
You mean a lot, don't deny that.
crash says:
you know though, you should have told me that a long time ago
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Excuse me?
crash says:
that you don't have romantic feels for me
crash says:
feelings
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I never said I did
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
So why would I say I didn't
crash says:
maybe I have a better memory, or just took things the wrong way
crash says:
you had said before that you considered dating me several times before, but didn
crash says:
't feel ready for a relationship
crash says:
at the time
crash says:
so I waited
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I have always thought we could potentially become more than friends, but I have never had the intention or desire to do so.
crash says:
I guess clarity of meaning was in order
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I guess so, I am sorry we were confused
crash says:
my heart is too
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
You are an amazing guy Troy and for many reasons I would date you. But I am not emotionally, physically, spiritually stable to be in a relationship. For too long I have not been caring for myself and now I need to or I will die. Together we have too much craziness in our own lives. You know you need to get control of yourself, that should be your priority over dating.
crash says:
I know that.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I am here for you totally. And I truly would drop everything to be at yourside if you called upon me to do so.
crash says:
I'm doing so bad, I'm sorry to say but I am very close to suicidal again
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I cannot say I do not understand. I have been suicidal for months
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I don't know how to help you in that area because I can barely keep myself alive
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
all I can say is that you are worth living for
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I would hate to see you die. It would kill a part of me and so many other people.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I know there is hope, you have good things in your life no matter how difficult it is to see them and how much more powerful the shitty stuff it.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
stuff is
crash says:
please, please.... just do this for me, if nothing else. Let me be your friend, let me help you, let me into your life. You need help just as badly as I do, if we never do date and nothing ever comes of this, oh well, I just want you better and myself
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Living is painful and too much to endure; death seems like relief, I know.
crash says:
I know we can help each other
crash says:
there is nothing about your life that you could tell me that would shock me
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I know this
crash says:
you could tell me you like having sex with twin midjets in barney costumes and I would just ask, are you useing protection?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I already consider you a friend. I know I do ignore you sometimes when you IM and email. You're not the only one, I'm working to stop that.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
hahaha
crash says:
okay, maybe I would think you a little weird
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
probably
crash says:
just talk to me tomorrow, in person
crash says:
and we can go from there
crash says:
PLEASE
crash says:
or even just on the phone
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I do have a busy day, but give me a call tomorrow and we'll see when what we can do
crash says:
when will you be avalible?
crash says:
to call
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Oh anytime, leave a voicemail if I don't pick up and I'll call you back asap
crash says:
okay
crash says:
I'll try and call you around 10 or so
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
okie dokie
crash says:
I just know how much you must be hurting but I don't really know all of why, so I don't know what to say to you ever
crash says:
and I used to be the advice guy
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I don't expect anyone to know what to say
crash says:
thing is, I usually do
crash says:
but if I have no idea at all, than what can anybody say?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
exactly
crash says:
I want to know what's going on with you, what you are stuggling with
crash says:
why do you keep it all up inside?
crash says:
I used to do that and it killed me inside
crash says:
I'm not going to think bad of you, think I don't do stupid or bad things?
crash says:
I'm keeping you up, just talk to me tomorrow
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
okay
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
goodnight
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
be good.
crash says:
I try
crash says:
you too
Yeah, it's a little long. I'm hoping I didn't mess up things too much. I guess I will know when I talk to her tomorrow. Wish me luck. I think my hopes of trying to get together with her though are slim to none. I still hope to be her friend though, I know she really needs the help from a friend. That's what I'm going to focus on tomorrow. I need sleep.
More to come, comments, critizim, discussion welcome.
Mods, I have some questions for you. Not 100% sure on the rules on posting different discussion topics on here. There will be illegal drug use very much involved telling the story of a severely bi-polar manic depressive with severe anxiety disorder that is part of the 20% of individuals that aren't positively helped by any medications (I've been on 8 that I can still spell) and has had to find his own ways to be able to deal with the obstacles the disease puts in front of him. Is it not a good idea to be posting here about the use of illegal drugs if the person it is about remains unknown and unlinked to any real connection? I guess I'm just asking if I post here about this will I go to jail?
DISCLAIMER
This work is copyrightedĀ© 2005 by Troy_420 who retains sole possession to all rights and privileges contained within the law, domestic and international.
Permission is given to individual readers to retain 1 copy (electronic or print) for personal use. Copies to mirror sites of the original posting sites (ASSTR, EWP, SOL) permitted. Any other use is reliant on the written (electronic or printed) permission of the author who retains copies of all requests and grants. Any other publication, reprinting, archiving, or other use, in whole or in part is forbidden. Any exceptions to the above provisions require the permission of the author as stated. Reposting of the electronic media versions of the works of this author can be obtained by sending a request to the author.
The following is a work of fiction and is just a fantasy. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and entirely unintentional. There may be references to people in a historical context, but they are not really characters in this story. The story contains drug use, and strong language. Adult minded people only here. Suicide, cutting, Self Injury, and sexual abuse are talked about. If these topics are tiggers for you don't read.
My Story, My Life
Monday, March 28, 2005
Well, its 5:30 in the morning, I have to go to work today at 2:30 and Iā??ve been stoned for 6 days straight all day. Iā??m feeling okay, but more tired and anxious than anything. Iā??m just so anxious over tomorrow. I am meeting the girl that got away tomorrow morning. We are going to talk as friends, but I miss her sooo much. And Nicole, how could I forget about Nicole. She is the girl in the now, sheā??s who I could fall for easy and she the same. When will she get back, when will she call meā?¦ So much might be happening in my life in the next few weeks, I donā??t know whether I am overjoyed or scared. Wow, what a story to tell. This is just the start, I need sleep, but a lot more to come. Good night for now.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
The last week has been a wild ride. I was so far down and now am coming back up fast. Iā??m going to be jumping back and forth in time while keeping with the present. Somewhat like a journal with flashbacks. First, a little background on myself. Who am I? We will call me Troy in this endeavor. I am 21, just turned this month, tall, dark complexes (Sicilian background) and I live in the middle of nowhere middle of America. I am severely bi-polar (wondering about bipolar, ask) and have been on heavy medication for the last 5 years. I can still spell 8 that I have been on, the others I forget completely but somewhere in the realm of 12-15 different psychoactive drugs (prescribed). With the high doses I have to take for them to work for me, my body builds up a resistance quickly and they stop working at all after about a year to a few months. Iā??ve been on my last medication, effexor for a year and a half. About two weeks ago, it stopped working and I crashed hard. Very very hard. That is another story though for later. Right now I am just going to go back to the last two days, Saturday and Sunday.
I had finished the 1/8 of pot I had gotten the night before. I was suppose to get a nice Ā¼-1/2 but three different people fell through. Saturday, I get up, I take a few resin hits out of my pipe to get a buzz going and wake up. I had been stoned since the Tuesday night before the weekend, so 4 and a half days straight so far. I was coming down and I need to get up FAST. I meet up with my friend I was rolling with who lives two streets over. He tells me that we are going to go go carting at about 4 so we had a few hours to kill. I wanted to go up to a pet store and get some corals for my saltwater reef tank (LOT more on that later) so we take off but I make a stop first. Just turned 21 so I got a 4 pack of white Russians for me and country sippers for him. With it, I take 5 15mg pills of DXM, or 75mg. I drink two of the bottles on the way to the pet store. Buy a $45 dollar coral, a blastamosa frag. Hereā??s a pic.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/life1.jpg
We leave there for my house and I take another 5 pills of DXM, so a total of 150mg, a small dose for me, but combining it with some alcohol and some pot really brings it out so I didnā??t over do it. We take the coral to my house and drop it off and head for the raceway. We meet up with three other guys and one of them just happens to be a stoner and has a 1/8 on him. Oh, what, you can get me a Ā¼ easy? Lets go. He takes me to a small cruddy trailer park where I used to deal from a guy there. We meet up with this older guy who brings me into his trailer and pulls out a bit more than a Ā¼, gets his scales out and weighs it up to a Ā¼. He first asks me if Iā??m a cop and tells me if I rat him out that he will have to kill me, lol. Head that one a time or two. Sells me the Ā¼ for $50. I didnā??t think it was too bad for a full Ā¼, but I later realized the stuff was shit. Either ditch weed or brown Mexican. It looked okay in the sack, but tasted like shite and hit hard as a bitch. By this point the DXM and alcohol are kicking in so Iā??m feeling pretty trippy. I drive down with the stoner and we match full bowls and got stoned good. We get to the raceway and we go in and it hits me standing there, I am more than fucked, I canā??t do anything in public right now, get me the fuck out of here the woman behind the counter is giving me a funny look! I pull my friend aside and get his car keys, and stumble out to the car. Luckily it was the middle of nowhere in a parking lot where nobody can see you. I put in Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head and just tripped the fuck out. It was so good. Thatā??s a great album to listen to stoned, more emotional though. It got me thinking about the girl kind of in my life. Nicole, it just reminded me exactly how I feel for her, love, I know I could love her if she let us fall together. Another story for another night. Anyway, hereā??s the view from my tripping place at the time.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/life2.jpg
Iā??m sitting there and itā??s been awhile and Iā??m coming down. It hits me, had yet to eat that day and its 7:00pm. Where are they? I finally get up and go in to see whatā??s going on. They just got off the track and are going again and want me to. Iā??m up for so a buy a ticket. It was a great idea whoever came up with it though. The place was pretty nice, they had an indoor just oval track but fishbowl shaped. The cars werenā??t your ordinary little go karts either. They were the ones with the full metal roll cage with enough power to GO! There are five of us with a total of about 12 drivers. Holy shit it was fun. We got the no bumping sign the last half of the race and the whistle about 3-4. Hell of a lot of fun. I demand food so we head back home, smoke another bowl, and stop at Taco Hell, run for the bathroom. I get three hard taco supreme, my fave. Now what did we do after thatā?¦.Damn, I think that is a point I was too fucked up to remember. I know the stoner guy I got some from left, and it was my friend and I. Iā??m not really sure what we did. Oh, I remember now. We drove down to the biggest city close to us and went to a super Wal-Mart. I bought American Beauty. Oh, it was around that time that I find out he did X earlier and is fucked up and doesnā??t want to smoke any. So I smoke another bowl on the way home and drop him off because he has to work in the morning. I go and rent Garden State and head home. I watch both movies and smoke about 4-5 bowls and just melt into myself. Both movies are very good, I recommend them. Itā??s about 5 in the morning then so I finally call it a night after smoking one more bowl.
Thatā??s my Saturday, I will post about Sunday, which is even more fucked up later tonight, and Iā??m going to go smoke a bowl right now though.
Back now. Just smoked a joint all the way down. Feeling pretty good. Just put on The Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon collie and the Infinite Sadness, Dawn to Dusk. Listen to this album stoned. Itā??s really good, it just shows his musical talent. Remember guys, he got his start back in 87-88, the same time as Nirvana. Going back to my roots with these guys. They are my first favorite band. Ask me anything about the band and I could probably tell you. I think I am going to have to put Sunday off for an other night. Iā??m pretty tired from the week I had. Today though. Today, I had to go to work after a three day weekend. The big thing was I was to meet my first love, after not seeing her for about a year in the morning. I was up late last night, but set my alarm for 9:30AM. My mom wakes me up about 11 asking me if Iā??m supposed to get up for something as my alarm is blaring. It had been going off for an hour and a half while I still slept. Shit, canā??t clean my room now because I woke up late. I call her, and she agrees to meet me at Burger Kind at 12:30. I smoke a bowl and then go up and take a shower. Itā??s a bit after 11 and I have about an hour before I need to leave so I feel like I have plenty of time, wrong. I slip down with the tub plugged as the hot water showers on me soothing me so much. I sit back up and look at the clock, I read it as 12, thinking I have about 15 mins to get ready. Nope, it actually says, 1 and I am half an hour late. I run and get dressed and run out the door. I meet up with her and we eat sitting in the back of her truck in the parking lot with it being a nice day. See, there is a long story between us, but that is also for later, but we will leave it at, we got close at the begging fast, I felt she was the one, and she decided she didnā??t fell that way. She avoided me for a while but we kept in contact. Hadnā??t talked to her for about 4-5 months as she is away at college now. Then I decided to email her the night I crashed and I scarred the shit out of her. Part of why we are seeing each other now. We got together purely as friends but I have a sense she is just doing this out of kindness, and because she feels she has to. The thought hurts but I donā??t blame her. She was one of the first to see me for the freak I can be when not right upstairs. Oh god. It was wonderful to see her though, I still love her but know nothing will ever come of it so I have in a way moved on. We talked, she came over and saw my reef tanks, I got a picture, and we said goodbye. She doesnā??t look great in this pic, her hair is pretty flattened but itā??s in little braids. You can get an idea of how she could clean up well though.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/life3.jpg
Now how could you not fall in love with her when you are my age? She is 18, almost nineteen, about 5ā??5ā?, 117lbs but built small, brown naturally very curly hair, and very pretty blue eyes. Oh, and she had the personality to back every bit of it up. My heart still hurts for her. I am pretty sure she had suspicion this was some kind of way of trying to get back together with her. In a small way thereā??s a part of me that hopes, hey, maybe she is suppose to be with me and something will happen, but I know in reality we wonā??t. Sheā??s not really the girl in my focus right now anyway. ā??Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage, than someone will say that what is lost cannot be savedā?¦ā?¦and I still believe that I can not be savedā? Anyway, after she left I had to rush to work coming off of a six day drug binge. Funny thing is I felt fine going into work. I was still high but coming down and I felt completely normal. Then I started coming off of it as I worked and I started feeling horrid. The night went by pretty fast though as I was doing something new. After work though, I head out to my car to pack a bowl and there is a note from an ex girlfriend stuck in my door. She wants me to come over to her house and knock on her window. Great, I pack the bowl and smoke it and head to her house. I stop over for a while but I needed to get out of there, I was starting to shake from being cold so I went home and here I am.
Holy shite, has ANYBODY else listen to Machina 2, the Friends and Enemys of Modern Music? You can only get it online, was never really released. Damn man, what the fuck was he on when they made that? He had to have been fucked up. You have to listen to it fucked up yourself though. Here is a link to download it. http://www.billy-corgan.com/downloads/mp3/machina2/index.php Very much worth your time and bud. It's fucked up though, just warning you. But damn, if you like shit like NIN or Tool, you'll like it. Any Mars Volta fans out there hell yeah?
fuck I need sleep.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Oh fuck, this is getting to messed up. Okay, yesterday I wake up late and smoke a bowl and am feeling fine from that and I go to work. I'm with an oriental guy that you can't understand so we just don't talk. About an hour in I lose my buzz and I just can't do it. My medication is messing me up. Here's a post from last night.
"There is a huge story on all of this, the details of which I will be writing in another thread, but it comes down to this.
4 years ago, diagnosed as severely major depressive with severe anxiety disorder. I was put on many different ssri's with none of them working at all, most had worse side effects than the actual condition. Actual condition included - severely depressed mood, lack of energy, hearing voices, delusional paranoia, suicidal thoughts, rapid wide mood swings, rapid weight loss to the point of anorexia, insomnia (going for days not sleeping, sleeping 12 hours over a 10 day period). Those are just the main symptoms. Side effects from drugs included - the very first one the put me on, a day after starting I was rushed to the hospital with the right side of my body violently convulsing to the point of causing bodily harm. It took them over 7 hours to get the convulsions to stop. Do you know what hell that is? They didn't have an explanation for it as there was no other case like mine. It was written down as a severe panic attack, yeah right. I also had very blurred vision from one, another caused me to go duuuurrr, couldn't talk without slurring everything, another caused me to hallucinate, one I couldn't get it up and it took me about 3 mins to get myself to go pee. Hmmm, there's a lot more.
Other medications that I have taken have had low side effects, but I have to take the max dose and after about 6 months they just stop working. Just happened to me two weeks ago. I'm going to try and get me on depakote, but I have no idea how my body will react to it.
Anyway, I was taking all these different drugs for about a year and nothing does me any good and I'm getting very suicidal and then I found pot. I smoked nothing but pot for about a year straight, almost every day. I was feeling fine, really good actually. Then it all hit. Lost all of my connections because my friend was stealing from them. I ran out of pot, fiended for a few days and got a couple small buzzes, but I ran out of everything and I just craaashed. I then also decided to stop taking my medication. Two weeks later I swallowed over 200 pills and drank half a bottle of bathroom cleaner. My mom found me and the suicide letter the next morning. Nobody knows how I lived. Thing is I never passed out, I was awake all night, and I remember every single second of that night like a movie. There is not a single day that doesn't haunt me.
After that happened I was hospitalized and the truth about the pot had to come out or I wouldn't have gotten out. The whole thing was blamed on the pot, but thing was I hadn't smoked for three weeks before I tried to off myself. I had to quit for good though, I didn't have any other choice. So for almost two years I've been clean and struggling with meds, was on about 6 different ones during that point of time, and crashed a total of three times, two while in college to which I had to drop out because of, the last I lost my previous job over. This last crash, was the hardest I crashed since my suicide. I ran to a works friendā??s house and smoked up some goooood shit. Oh god I felt good. Spent the last 8 days straight stoned and doing perfectly fine.
See, it evens me out, mellows me when manic, and gets me laughing with depressed or suicidal. It doesn't have any other side effects except short term memory problems for me. One big difference, pot was made by nature, all the drugs I've been prescribed are synthetic and man made which doesn't agree very well with my body.
Now, wouldn't you say this merits use?"
Well, I was at work and my medication hit me hard, it's not working anymore. So I talk to my supervisor and he has me go home. I spent most of the rest of the day high and feeling okay. When I got home last night after watching a movie lying with my ex in her bed, another story, I see that Nicole is online. She changed her name to 'if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right'. I IM her and never hear back, but it was late so I was guessing she was away from her computer. Here's the short story on Nicole. I've known her for several years, about 5 I think. Liked her the minute I saw her. She was always just so distant from me I never really got to know her. She was distant from everybody though. I later found out about her past. She had been molested from the age of 6 till she got her period at 12 by her mom's boyfriends. Her mom is an alcoholic and Nicole pretty much takes care of her. Thing is the girl is the most awesome person I know. Even with everything that has happened she is in college and studying to be a psychologist. Well, about a year ago it came out how much I liked her. She admitted she had considered dating me several times before, but was just never ready. Then I didn't hear from her for several months. We would randomly start talking again, serious conversations and it would always come out how much we liked each other. It would get serious and she would back away and I wouldn't hear from her again. I know she isn't really doing it on purpose, I understand the issues I have, because I have a lot of them too. Her dad committed suicide a year ago. She's anorexic and bulimic again. I'm worried about her and I just had to know if I was waiting around for a chance that's never going to happen, so I emailed her.
This is what I said'
"I've been hoping to hear back from you for a while. I crashed last weekend. I crashed hard. Scared several people, they thought I was suicidal. Coming out of it though. Will tell you the rest of it later if you care to hear. I don't know what do right now, and I think you are going through some hard times, but it just hurts how you push me out of your life completely. I'm just going to put it all out and see what your answer is. I could very easily fall for you. I haven't yet, because I haven't let myself fall. I knew you weren't ready for anything and I just pushed the feelings away hoping that at some point you would be ready for me. It's just hard when you feel that way about somebody and they push you away like it happens. I know that's how you are, I can do it to people I care about it a lot, but what's the deal here? Do you think I don't understand? Do you think I don't know where you are coming from? Dang it, I want to help you, but you won't let me. I guess what I have to know is, do you actually still like me? Am I waiting around for a chance with somebody special that will never happen? I need to know what you are thinking, and the truth. You really can tell me anything, even things I don't want to hear. I mean, if you just don't feel anything for me anymore or never really did, I need to know because I need to move on if not. I care about you, I care about you a lot, more than you know, but it's hard sometimes. I listened to this song today and it just reminded me so much of you. Talk to me soon, please. I really need to hear from you, see you even.
Please get back to me
Let go
Drink up baby down
Hmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy
Writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've twenty seconds to comply
So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Yeah let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
Breakdown
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So let it go
Oh it's so amazing here
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown "
She replied the next day -
"Hey 'Troy', I cannot write everything that I want to say right now because I have to go to work. I'm going to Michigan for a couple days, but when I get back I promise to get a hold of you. You do mean a lot to me. You are always there for me even when I try not to let you. Please know that I do want to be here for you and if you did call upon me in need, I would jump right in to help you. Hang in there and you're right I'm going through hell right now (too). Talk to you soon.
Nicole"
I told her today that I was home from work and that I needed to talk to her as soon as she has a chance.
I think she could be a model if she wanted, hereā??s her pic.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v159/voltatroy/00-2.jpg
Then I noticed something. I viewed her profile and she had changed it last night.
BUT, it was what she said in her profile.
I think she may be hiding she is a lesbian and what all this might be about.
Here are a few things she said-
I love my friends&family.
I love God.
I love rainbows.
I love pickles.
I love drama and comedy.
I love Ellen Degeneres.
Bowling, dance, writing, learning, music, movies, shopping, being silly...
I hope to establish myself as a well known professional writer, psychologist, and advocate for suicide prevention, gay rights, and eating disorder awareness & prevention.
Gay rights, Ellen Degeneres, rainbows? She trying to say something there? Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I have yet to hear back from her and I know she is home. If there really isn't a chance between us like I have been thinking for the last year it will just kill me right now. I don't know what to do.
I messed up pretty badly today. I need to remember not to talk to people when I am like this (practically out of my mind). I ran out of pot today. My friend fell through again. I am officially on FMLA and out of work. Without pot to help keep me stable today and my medication really messing with me, I am losing it.
I was crashing and one of my ex's was online. We were together a year and very serious at the time, stated dating around the time I was quiting drugs the first time. We ended up spliting because neither of us could handle the relationship with my mental disorder at the time. She was with me during several of my crashes and it hurt her a lot. She still cares about me a lot, we are still good friends, but we both know we will never get back together. Anyway, I was crashing today and she was online so I IMed her. I started talking about how I was doing and that I thought Nicole might be hiding she is a lesbian. I share personal stuff with her all the time, and she is one of the very few people I still trust, but no, this one time, right after I got done talking to her, she had to go and tell Nicole what I was thinking. Fucking bitch.
Not really knowing Nicole knew, I talked to her online later. Here's the convo. I'm crash.
crash says:
you in bed?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
no
crash says:
just not doing well
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
what's alicia's email?
crash says:
um, let me look
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
thanks
crash says:
editedā?¦ā?¦ā?¦.
crash says:
why?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I lost it
crash says:
oh
crash says:
one question for you, maybe two. wondering who your screen name is about
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Nobody, it's a lyric that I just like
crash says:
ah, k
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
just how strong and profound love can be
crash says:
very true
crash says:
I was bored and checked if you had a profile and read it
crash says:
one thing stuck out to me
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I saw your email
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
what's up?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I just changed it yesterday actually
crash says:
I don't know, it just confused me, about advocating for gay rights, which is usually seen as anti-christian
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Yeah I know. It is a complicated issue. Advocating their rights doesn't mean I support all that they do. Love the sinner, hate the sin kind of thing
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
God accepts them as people and they are equal in their eyes; I want to help them feel accepted
crash says:
understand, I disagree with it, but don't condem it
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Not all gay people commit gay acts
crash says:
I was just wondering if there was a person in your life that brought had made it an issue in your lif
crash says:
e
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Loads
crash says:
at college?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
No I've been raised around them; in the family and close friends of the family
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
They've raised me
crash says:
okay, it was just a had several gay friends at the academy
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Can't say I know any at Taylor
crash says:
one girl who was bi who was just so fun to be with
crash says:
yeah, guess there wouldn't be
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Why wouldn't she?
crash says:
she wouldn't. she had a great personality, but people around here see them different. Like they are going to turn them gay or something
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
i see
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Editedā?¦. is quite conservative
crash says:
yes
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
but there's more gays here than most people realize
crash says:
very true, ahh, yes, prime suspects of being prejuduce, both my parents
crash says:
but mostly my dad
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I'm thankful for my mom who is quite accepting and open-minded
crash says:
I know this may sound stupid, but I had a quick thought today that you might be
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
That I might be gay?
crash says:
yeah
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
interesting
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
what made you think that?
crash says:
not accusing you really. It was just that it could make a little sense. First your background with men
crash says:
then today I saw about you advocating rights for gays and I was just like, wait a sec.....
crash says:
but then I was like, uh, no
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I suppose I could see where the pieces might fit together. You're not the first one, believe me I've been questioned several times
crash says:
I didn't want you to take offense
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I try not to let it upset me. But it does when people talk to other people about
crash says:
yeah
crash says:
I've been accused of it many times myself, but I know in my heart who and what I am
crash says:
I do have to admit, I did ask Alicia about it, more because she is the only close friend I really trust and I tell her most things
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
It is rude, disrespectful. It is gossip. It's bullshit and that is what makes me upset. It really is nobody's business whether I am gay or not. If I wanted people to know I would tell them, not just go around dropping hints here and there. Yes I absolutely love rainbows, Ellen Degeneres, the color purple, and stand up for gay rights. One should not assume that I'm gay.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I already know you talked to Alicia
crash says:
yeah, figured
crash says:
mad at me?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
No
crash says:
I didn't mean to upset you about it. It's been a really bad day and haven't been thinking right
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
It is okay Troy. I'm called you asked me about it. I'd hate for you to just be assuming something about me.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Alicia was just upset and had to confront me about it herself
crash says:
I wasn't really assuming, I was curious as to why it seemed like it could be true. Alicia was the wrong person to talk to, I guess I put too much trust into her... I was crashing pretty bad at the moment too. I need on new meds and fast
crash says:
I saw her online and just started talking
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I don't think she minded
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
She really cares about you
crash says:
I guess I just wonder if you really do too?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
If I didn't then I wouldn't be here IMing you
crash says:
Yeah, true.
crash says:
I messed up today Nicole. I am sorry. I didn't mean to seem like I was gossiping about you.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Don't fret over Troy
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I'm over it
crash says:
I've been waiting for you for almost a year I think, waiting for that chance, and the fact that you could be gay and hiding it, scared me, because it would have meant there never was a chance
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I know you care about me and wouldn't be out to hurt me
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I see
crash says:
so I crashed today
crash says:
but I wasn't in a good place to begin with
crash says:
do you realize that though
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Yeah from your emails I knew you weren't doing so well
crash says:
oh, well that, but all how I have been waiting for you
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I never considered that you were "waiting"
crash says:
maybe not the right word
crash says:
but I've always held onto the hope of a chance at seeing how things would go between us. So in a way, yes I have been waiting. If you told me you weren't ready, I would wait as long as you needed. Though I have been starting to wonder if I am really waiting around for anything
crash says:
maybe online isn't the best way to talk about it
crash says:
this
crash says:
you need to get to bed, I can call you tomorrow
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
You shouldn't be waiting around for me Troy. That just doesn't seem right to me.
crash says:
Well, there isn't anybody else in my life right now
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I've had other people say that they were waiting for me, it is just...I don't know. Maybe I don't understand. Just seems like one should go about their life and if something is meant to be, then God will make it happen when he wants it to. But that could be in a couple months or many years down the road.
crash says:
I guess I need to know if I should just move on then.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I do not have romantic feelings for you. I care about you and truly want you to be in my life. I don't want you to push me away and I'm attempting not to push you away. It is not something I do intentionally. You are just not the only one going through rough times or "crashing" or on bad meds for that matter. I want you to be happy and healthy. I think about you, care about, worry about.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
You mean a lot, don't deny that.
crash says:
you know though, you should have told me that a long time ago
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Excuse me?
crash says:
that you don't have romantic feels for me
crash says:
feelings
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I never said I did
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
So why would I say I didn't
crash says:
maybe I have a better memory, or just took things the wrong way
crash says:
you had said before that you considered dating me several times before, but didn
crash says:
't feel ready for a relationship
crash says:
at the time
crash says:
so I waited
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I have always thought we could potentially become more than friends, but I have never had the intention or desire to do so.
crash says:
I guess clarity of meaning was in order
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I guess so, I am sorry we were confused
crash says:
my heart is too
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
You are an amazing guy Troy and for many reasons I would date you. But I am not emotionally, physically, spiritually stable to be in a relationship. For too long I have not been caring for myself and now I need to or I will die. Together we have too much craziness in our own lives. You know you need to get control of yourself, that should be your priority over dating.
crash says:
I know that.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I am here for you totally. And I truly would drop everything to be at yourside if you called upon me to do so.
crash says:
I'm doing so bad, I'm sorry to say but I am very close to suicidal again
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I cannot say I do not understand. I have been suicidal for months
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I don't know how to help you in that area because I can barely keep myself alive
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
all I can say is that you are worth living for
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I would hate to see you die. It would kill a part of me and so many other people.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I know there is hope, you have good things in your life no matter how difficult it is to see them and how much more powerful the shitty stuff it.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
stuff is
crash says:
please, please.... just do this for me, if nothing else. Let me be your friend, let me help you, let me into your life. You need help just as badly as I do, if we never do date and nothing ever comes of this, oh well, I just want you better and myself
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Living is painful and too much to endure; death seems like relief, I know.
crash says:
I know we can help each other
crash says:
there is nothing about your life that you could tell me that would shock me
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I know this
crash says:
you could tell me you like having sex with twin midjets in barney costumes and I would just ask, are you useing protection?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I already consider you a friend. I know I do ignore you sometimes when you IM and email. You're not the only one, I'm working to stop that.
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
hahaha
crash says:
okay, maybe I would think you a little weird
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
probably
crash says:
just talk to me tomorrow, in person
crash says:
and we can go from there
crash says:
PLEASE
crash says:
or even just on the phone
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I do have a busy day, but give me a call tomorrow and we'll see when what we can do
crash says:
when will you be avalible?
crash says:
to call
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
Oh anytime, leave a voicemail if I don't pick up and I'll call you back asap
crash says:
okay
crash says:
I'll try and call you around 10 or so
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
okie dokie
crash says:
I just know how much you must be hurting but I don't really know all of why, so I don't know what to say to you ever
crash says:
and I used to be the advice guy
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
I don't expect anyone to know what to say
crash says:
thing is, I usually do
crash says:
but if I have no idea at all, than what can anybody say?
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
exactly
crash says:
I want to know what's going on with you, what you are stuggling with
crash says:
why do you keep it all up inside?
crash says:
I used to do that and it killed me inside
crash says:
I'm not going to think bad of you, think I don't do stupid or bad things?
crash says:
I'm keeping you up, just talk to me tomorrow
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
okay
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
goodnight
If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right. says:
be good.
crash says:
I try
crash says:
you too
Yeah, it's a little long. I'm hoping I didn't mess up things too much. I guess I will know when I talk to her tomorrow. Wish me luck. I think my hopes of trying to get together with her though are slim to none. I still hope to be her friend though, I know she really needs the help from a friend. That's what I'm going to focus on tomorrow. I need sleep.
More to come, comments, critizim, discussion welcome.