Nine0fSpades
06-03-2009, 07:09 PM
I had a rather interesting childhood that ultimately led to a myriad of mental problems which I bottled up and ignored until they manifested into physical issues as well as the pre-existing mental ones. Since the age of approximately 6 years old, I have suffered from:
-Depression
-Bipolarity
-Suicidal thoughts and tendencies
-Anxiety
-ADD
I was in and out of psychiatrists and psychologist appointments until the age of 15. They prescribed all sorts of fun medications (Ritalin and Zoloft to name a few..), but even then at my young age I found that these things simply were not working for me. They would make me sick to the point of throwing up, and numb my mind to the point that I felt like some sort of zombie. When I tried to address these concerns with therapists, they'd simply prescribe me some other drug and tell me to call back in a few weeks if it wasn't working. That got old fast, and I soon concluded that I'd rather be completely miserable than to feel nothing at all as a result of these various medications.
The system just wasn't working for me. Infact, it was beginning to make my symptoms worse- After all, these people were supposed to be helping me, and since they couldn't, this left me with a new all consuming feeling of hopelessness. I soon began lying to my parents and my therapists.. I completely shut down inside. I convinced everyone that I was just peachy, and discontinued therapy.
I lived the lie until I was 17 and moved out of my parents house. Left alone and unsupervised, my symptoms became progressively worse until age 19 when I completely lost my mind. The mental turmoil became so painful and impossible to deal with that I developed anorexia and bulimia.
Some people cut- I decided to starve and throw up blood instead.
By age 20, I was 5 feet 7 inches tall and weighed only 92lbs. Not that I particularly cared- I had after all almost completely lost my mind. I was content to waste away and eventually die as miserably as possible.
Fortunately, something amazing happened. Although I was raised to abhor "illegal drugs" practically from birth and had never so much as seen marijuana before, I was introduced to it in 2007.
I can confidently say that it saved my life.
It was by no means an immediate change, and the process is still ongoing.. But it's introspective qualities have enabled me to adopt more positive thought processes and deal with many of the mental issues that I was incapable of dealing with before.
Even my eating disorders have largely abated. I'm at a healthy weight, and only occasionally find myself slipping into the dark thought processes which allowed me to do those terrible things to myself. If you know anything about eating disorders, however, you know that they can be very complex and difficult to recover from. My progress in only two years astounds me.
I would like to obtain my medical card, but some things concern me..
I realize that the majority of my problems are mental and not sanctioned by MMJ laws in Washington state. However, Anorexia seems to appear frequently on the list of possibly treatable conditions.
I'm willing (Despite being an impoverished, uninsured, white female..) to go to therapists and whatever else it takes in order to get the paper work needed to prove that I suffer from this debilitating condition. The law states, however, that MMJ will not be prescribed until "conventional" treatments fail. For an anorexic, this usually means in-patient time at some facility somewhere where they force feed you and monitor you like some kind of criminal for months and possibly years.
I am completely unwilling to do this. I went through modern and conventional treatments for my mental disorders, and they completely failed me. I will not be locked up somewhere and treated like I'm insane for any amount of time; especially when I've already found what works for me and am recovering on my own. If anything, being locked up with a bunch of people suffering from eating disorders and being treated like a mental case would make me relapse at this point.
...However, in my current state of mental stability and healthy weight, I have a hard time believing any therapist is going to believe I suffer from anything at all.
So, what should I do?
I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place here..
The only way I'm going to possibly get paperwork with an official diagnosis is to stop using MJ entirely, see if my symptoms and destructive tendencies return, lose 30lbs and get really sick, and risk being admitted into inpatient care.
This is a dangerous and counter-productive course of action.
But is it the only way?
The alternative is to continue to risk getting arrested on a day to day basis for possibly the rest of my life if I continue to use MJ illegally.. Not to mention, I can barely afford the street prices. I'm a working, full-time college student with bills. I would vastly prefer to be able to grow for my own personal use rather than breaking my bank to continue my therapy.
-Depression
-Bipolarity
-Suicidal thoughts and tendencies
-Anxiety
-ADD
I was in and out of psychiatrists and psychologist appointments until the age of 15. They prescribed all sorts of fun medications (Ritalin and Zoloft to name a few..), but even then at my young age I found that these things simply were not working for me. They would make me sick to the point of throwing up, and numb my mind to the point that I felt like some sort of zombie. When I tried to address these concerns with therapists, they'd simply prescribe me some other drug and tell me to call back in a few weeks if it wasn't working. That got old fast, and I soon concluded that I'd rather be completely miserable than to feel nothing at all as a result of these various medications.
The system just wasn't working for me. Infact, it was beginning to make my symptoms worse- After all, these people were supposed to be helping me, and since they couldn't, this left me with a new all consuming feeling of hopelessness. I soon began lying to my parents and my therapists.. I completely shut down inside. I convinced everyone that I was just peachy, and discontinued therapy.
I lived the lie until I was 17 and moved out of my parents house. Left alone and unsupervised, my symptoms became progressively worse until age 19 when I completely lost my mind. The mental turmoil became so painful and impossible to deal with that I developed anorexia and bulimia.
Some people cut- I decided to starve and throw up blood instead.
By age 20, I was 5 feet 7 inches tall and weighed only 92lbs. Not that I particularly cared- I had after all almost completely lost my mind. I was content to waste away and eventually die as miserably as possible.
Fortunately, something amazing happened. Although I was raised to abhor "illegal drugs" practically from birth and had never so much as seen marijuana before, I was introduced to it in 2007.
I can confidently say that it saved my life.
It was by no means an immediate change, and the process is still ongoing.. But it's introspective qualities have enabled me to adopt more positive thought processes and deal with many of the mental issues that I was incapable of dealing with before.
Even my eating disorders have largely abated. I'm at a healthy weight, and only occasionally find myself slipping into the dark thought processes which allowed me to do those terrible things to myself. If you know anything about eating disorders, however, you know that they can be very complex and difficult to recover from. My progress in only two years astounds me.
I would like to obtain my medical card, but some things concern me..
I realize that the majority of my problems are mental and not sanctioned by MMJ laws in Washington state. However, Anorexia seems to appear frequently on the list of possibly treatable conditions.
I'm willing (Despite being an impoverished, uninsured, white female..) to go to therapists and whatever else it takes in order to get the paper work needed to prove that I suffer from this debilitating condition. The law states, however, that MMJ will not be prescribed until "conventional" treatments fail. For an anorexic, this usually means in-patient time at some facility somewhere where they force feed you and monitor you like some kind of criminal for months and possibly years.
I am completely unwilling to do this. I went through modern and conventional treatments for my mental disorders, and they completely failed me. I will not be locked up somewhere and treated like I'm insane for any amount of time; especially when I've already found what works for me and am recovering on my own. If anything, being locked up with a bunch of people suffering from eating disorders and being treated like a mental case would make me relapse at this point.
...However, in my current state of mental stability and healthy weight, I have a hard time believing any therapist is going to believe I suffer from anything at all.
So, what should I do?
I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place here..
The only way I'm going to possibly get paperwork with an official diagnosis is to stop using MJ entirely, see if my symptoms and destructive tendencies return, lose 30lbs and get really sick, and risk being admitted into inpatient care.
This is a dangerous and counter-productive course of action.
But is it the only way?
The alternative is to continue to risk getting arrested on a day to day basis for possibly the rest of my life if I continue to use MJ illegally.. Not to mention, I can barely afford the street prices. I'm a working, full-time college student with bills. I would vastly prefer to be able to grow for my own personal use rather than breaking my bank to continue my therapy.