So Much For Cyber Sex

[Lulu]

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a t-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.


Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately -- our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place my glasses on the night table

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No, wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: Logged off...

[Ammie]

lmfao!!!! good one lu :p

[DrGonzo]

I've had real sex like that

it wasn't all that great really

[daZenfmeister]

Thats fucking hilarious. I havn't laughed that hard since the other ones heh.

[Creeper]

Im about 100% sure Ive seen that one somewhere before. Funny as hell though.

[jacquelyne]

that is very funny i like when people do things like that lol.

[kiwi]

:D :D roflmao......BRILLIANT :D

[kronick]

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.

j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.

j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.

bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli3: thats it.

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

[tyrael]

^^ seen them before too.

[kronick]

ya, i saw that one a while back...but its still funna as shit "I put on my robe and wizard hat." lmao...priceless!

[Hektik]

lol those are funny as shit

[bigdaddy420]

Sounds like some seriously hot cybersex. Unfortunately, that sounds about like my luck. Well, except for the limp thing.

[ilovelife]

lulu... hahah holy shit im so stoned right now i was reading that for 30 minutes laughin my fuckin ass off thats some funny shit!

[AdIcTs77]

ahh man that was hilarious. Great Lu

[slipknotpsycho]

omfg! that's the funniest shit i've heard in awhile...maybe it's because my imagination came back recently and i can actually see all of it happening in my head!!! ROFLMFAOPIMP i have to shut my nose and cover my mouth so i wouldn't laugh so hard as to wake my wife up ^^ OMFG!

[EverydayJunglist]

LoL kronick! haha

[kronick]

you dont even know how good i think i am.

:P

[HaZarD]

read em b4, but funny shit

[NoosaHeads]

Thats The Funniest Shit I have read in ages....
Nice one Lulu.....:D

[Juggalotus17]

www.bash.org

that website has some of the funniest instant messanger quotes ever.



(bovril): amsterdam is officially the best place ever
(doggie^): how stoned did you get?
(bovril): as stoned as an adulterous arab woman

----

<IgnusDei> i hate my BROTHER
<IgnusDei> and MY SISTER
<Hyperian> i love your sister
<IgnusDei> no you wouldn't
<IgnusDei> oh sure the sex is great at first
<IgnusDei> but then she's such a bitch

----

#328464 +(4444)- [X]

SparTacus ([email protected]) has joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko ([email protected]) has joined #santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>Iâ??m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r


don't know about you all but that there is some funny shit


and one of my favs:


<Animenia> Oh shit almost forgot to tell you guys.... The funniest thing ever happened today... :)
<Animenia> There\'s this dude living beneath my apartment and some other dude across the street
<Animenia> and we talk from time to time so we decided to have a litte chat on my teamspeak server
<Animenia> so after talking a while
<Animenia> one of the guys said he had to leave for a while so the server got really quiet...
<Ayanami9870> because they saw a webcam pic of his dildo?
<Animenia> Though this guy didn\'t use push to talk so after like 10 minutes of inactivity on the server I started hear moanings and shit from my speakers
<Animenia> and I was playing really loud music
<Animenia> Then you hear his mom come in and he\'s like \"oh shit, it\'s not what it looks like\" and she goes of screaming \"YOU\'RE MASTURBATING?!?!\" and starts crying and shit and tells him to move out and stuff like that
<Dazzio> holy fuck
<Animenia> You should have seen the look on his face when I met him in the elevator later today.... He gave me the dirtiest look ever.... and said \"Did you really have to play so god damn loud music?? The whole block heard of my mom and that shit\"

[kronick]

LOL...spartacus...thats fucking great

[burnitup]

Damn those are some funny ass posts wish I was high right now, I think I'd laugh till next week. :p

[kronick]

im laughing to next week right now :P

take THAT Swansons!!

[partyguy420]

shit... all of that is so funnie.... im still laffing at the second one... but ive seen the first one be4... never seen towlies or what ever his name is

[mellow mood]

ppl today are so desperate. its makin me cry to see how much fuckin kids are goin to chat and all they want is to show their fuckin ugly cock to sum1 that might even be a pedophile...

oh my god help those kids plz

help the world

help us

[caddyman]

Very good read, and yes today im 45 and not a happy birthday from any of u bastards

[kronick]

happy birthday old man ;) jk

[mellow mood]

happy birthday bro

[slipknotpsycho]

atleast your birthdays are happy. mine are spent sitting here realizing just how few people even know i exist.

anyways hope you do have a happy birthday, pretend your 21 all over again, go to a bar get fucking wasted and hope you wake up in some hot ass girls bed :D

[Lily420]

"Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass."

HAHAHAHA!!! :D

[firsttimefarmer]

LOL OMFG Fuckin deadly

[Melton420]

dam funny