Sick of life

[zihowie]

:wtf:Dont read this if you dont want a buzz kill.

As the title suggest, im majorly depressed. Obviously, Im specifically sick of my life. Dont worry though, even though ive had suicidal thoughts I dont anymore and would never have acted out upon them. I care too much about the effects it would have on my family. Im 18 and currently living with my grandparents and dont do shit. I look forward to the future, but I still imagine once it arrives ill still have depression.
I guess ive been depressed since I was young, probably 6th grade. My parents went through an ugly divorce and continued to be very ugly throughout my childhood. In and out of court all the time. I dont hold that accountable for any of my behavior, but only trying to give insight. I feel jaded and day in out is really grey and dull. I laugh and have generic conversations, like anyone would, but I find it real hard to appeal to people and get responses I want. I know I am attractive and funny, but I especially have problems connecting to women. I know how to, but I think its bullshit and even though I know how to be a "player" I dont. Its fake and it sickens me when I would be at a party and see that behavior.
I think Im psychotic and have different personalities. I dont think anyone here is qualifed to give that diagnosis, but when I think of things I go through several modes of thought and have severe anxiety when I give a response on how one would respond. I really dont give a damn about what anyone says, but I still get nervous. Its wierd as fuck and the only time in my life when I havent though like that was when I abused anxiety meds and eventually got hooked. I also feel superior to most. I dont think my attitude indicates that though. I know im not the smartest person, but I feel I have some higher level of thinking. However, Im not a great inventionist, handyman, or scientist. I dont know where in the hell I got those criteria from and wrote this sentence to show you how i constantly second guess myself. When I freewrite I see my psychotic behavior most. Anyway back from my digression, my problem and math solving skills have always been good, i always win thinking games, I have an uncanny ability track the time down to the second, and pretty damn good at chess. All these wierd talents that have nothing to do with anything.
I dont even know how I got the balls to write something, so revealing about myself, but I want someone elses opinion. Sorry if it was boring, I just know I need some help. Goin to smoke an l as I havent for a week and its killing me.

[LolaGal]

Dude, go see a mental health professional. 18 should be fun

[zihowie]

Its only bc my own doing. I got in trouble with the law and now I live like and with the elderly. I guess i just like throwing pity parties for myself. And even though i know it, I cant get past it somehow.

and if i have any name i feel ive soiled it, even though you all are the least judgmental of anybody. Ill only lurk from now on

[Unknownfigure]

I see many traits in you that I see in myself. Infact, you listed many of the problems that I am going through currently. The only thing that keeps me interested in life is my desire to learn, discover, and master everything that I find appealing or remotely interesting. What I recommend to you, brother, is picking up the hobby of growing. Grow anything you want, but aim to excel. However, depending on your background, this may prove counter-productive for you. For me, I come from a family, and general region, where true luxury is hard to find. Basically, I grew up with nothing, so no matter what I end up with, I'm happy...er. I love to keep tabs on cannabis gardens and find ways to improve their efficiency. I also do many other things.


Oh shit, I rambled. Anyhow, you mention anti-anxiety drugs. These alone have the potential to damage your mind. It's very hard to explain, but I have experienced this also. For people like you an I, we must, at any cost, stay away from such drugs, like <Edited out, sounds like the last letter>, as they are extremely dangerous to our psych. I recall experiementing with it, only to have, after the effects worn off, fits of extreme rage and cases of severe depression (seriously contemplated suicide, but I reasoned with myself and concluded that that solution was not logical. Not everyone can do this, atleast, I don't think everyone can... This is where I see that kind of "Superior Thinking" phenomena)


If you are anything like me, you actually are depressed; but it isn't your fault at all. You are simply an intelligent being, one such that instantly recognizes the fault of any situation. "Nature&Nurture" play a role here, as you describe an emotionally traumatic childhood. Of course, divorce is common, but these psychological effects could have a bigger impact on the mind of an intellectual, especially at young age. That could have paved the way for the rest of your life. But, like real pavement, demolition is possible, and so is paving for a healthier mindset, but it does take time.


I, in no way, imply I am a professional, I'm just providing my personal insight because you describe very similar perspectives as I. We share very similar life experiences, also. Change IS possible, however, I recommend finding someone to talk to, on an intellectual connection. If noone in your life is capable of connecting with you like this, I recommend a therapist, as a professional one is actually rather sincere, and usually intelligent.


Good luck. And you don't have to lurk, your activity here would be much appreciated!


(PS: To everyone else, I'm not trying to degrade anyone's smarts, I'm just saying that there are many people who have a MUCH greater depth perception of reality, you know?)


<Edit: Decided to take the name out, in line with forum rules. Don't want to offend them, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about regardless...>

[LOC NAR on probation]

Just look at my name.

Everybodies got to fell some pain.
Everyones got to be caught out in the rain.
Everybodies got to feel like you feel today.

You are not alone ! I am where you are only older and have delt with what life gives me. Each day could be my last and by my own hand.

Do not try to be something your not. As my pastaway Grandma said. If your not happy then don't try to be just for others. You must find what makes you happy. Hydro growing is it for me but that's why I got in trouble.

You are too young to have so much pain. you need help that will not load you up with pills and you need an older mentor to help you see things can get better.

Peace young brother. When we are at the bottom it's only up from there.

[epilepticme]

Dude, go see a mental health professional. 18 should be fun

second that

[linearvermin]

I'm in the same boat you are pretty much man, all you gotta do is think positive. I lost my cousin in the war 1 1/2 years ago and my parents divorced 6 months ago. I'm 18, got my license suspended when i was 17 so i can 't DRIVE which is really what kills it for me. I'm going to community service in 10 minutes as we speak...1 month 100 hrs or i go to jail....FUN EH? So don't be depressed, make the best out of your situation. It's the best thing you can do for your self, try and keep a healthy state of mind :thumbsup:

[thcbongman]

I want to say you are completely normal. Everyone has demons to conquer. Everyone has "different personalities" and think they're psychotic when you are stressed or depressed. You can't expect to fit yourself in a certain mold because everyones experiences are unique. Don't be afraid to blend these "different personalities" you have. Because these personalities are all you.

You feel these kind of superior thinking is because you want some kind of recognition. We all do, even though some may not act like they do. It feels good to be recognized and when we aren't, we find mechanisms to cope. One way is to feel like you are superior to everyone else. But it's a faux sense of confidence. It's simply a way of you coping with your emotions. You aren't crazy. You are normal.

About the player crap, I think you see it in the wrong sense. Concentrate on your own confidence. Your confidence is just a bit low right now. If you want to learn to be more appealing to people, take a communication class, an acting class, a public speaking class, just a few example of ways you could improve your confidence and learn to better connect to people. Besides, use your math solving skills to get a good degree and get a good job in the future. Math solving skills are highly useful and sought after.

Your own happiness is important, remember that. Just start to feel free yourself from the shambles. Start to do some stretching. That really helps you feel better about yourself. When you feel bad, you feel tight and to loosen your body will help stress on your mind. Yoga, pilates helps.

Whatever you do, do whatever it takes to make you happy. Don't let people affect you to do what you want to do.

Everyone needs some guidance in the right way. Don't be afraid to see a therapist. I'm seeing one for the issues I'm having, helping me change the way I think because that what it is, it's your mindset and certain behaviors about yourself you want to change and the right therapist will help you do that. There's no magical pill to fix your depression. In the end you have to fight and do it yourself.

[beachguy in thongs]

I thought that I was in hell, the year after my coma, when I was sitting all alone in my house, with all of my friends away at college. Now, I feel even closer to hell, since that Chevy Venture Van broadsided my car.

Cannabis is my hope.

[zihowie]

Thanks i feel alot better after reading these replies. After i smoked a blunt last night for the first in a week, i couldnt believe that i had written this. I felt immediately better and really wierd to have written something like that.

Ive been going through vast times without toking and it definitely attributes to my depression. Im gettin back to cali in a month and will be able to grow the green and have a constant supply.

My mood changes so drastically when I dont smoke, but the only problem is not only am I a criminal when i toke up I have to do it in public bc of living conditions. Itll all be better soon, I just gotta tough this small amount of life out.


After being able to smoke last night, it has carried me through this day positively and after dreading coming back to this thread, after i read it i feel even better. Thanks

[dlovejah]

You should seek medical attention as soon as you can... Your clinically depressed and believe me sitting around huffing herb when your depressed will only make it worse and freak you out more... I know you didnt want to hear that.. Let me state first and foremost Im a medical user and a recreational user.. I love and respect the herb...Cannabis, a lot of times will simply intensify whatever mood your in, it cannot rectify those kinds of problems... Take care of yourself, and try to get some help young man... 18 you should be beaming with life... Please try...Take it easy brother... d:hippy: