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Scar
03-08-2004, 02:20 PM
A funny story...enjoy...

MY ASS HAIR

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.


I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.


Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.



As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

Blowboy
03-08-2004, 04:56 PM
thx for sharing this, now i'll never my ass :p

hunny
03-08-2004, 05:55 PM
:cool:

LMAO

Delta9THC
03-08-2004, 06:15 PM
you should have gotten your ass waxed:)

DirtyB2525
03-08-2004, 06:24 PM
thats funny as hell. ill remember to never shave my ass hair. but what you can do is use a beard trimmer and trim it.

Dingo
03-10-2004, 10:08 AM
lol lmao real graphical that story....

Latin Dodo Head
03-10-2004, 05:28 PM
that was a funny ass story. I couldn't stop myself from bursting into laughter while I was in the middle of class. It actually got so bad that I couldn't finish it in class, I had to step outside so I can finish reading it in a different room. Anyway, i think you should trim your ass with a beard trimmer (though you would never be able to use it on your face again), like the other guy said. Even though you would loose a trimmer, I think in your case it'll actually be a good investment. I could imagine the pain you are enduring right now that your hair is barely growing back, but what can I say? Sometimes shit happens. Another tip i can offer my fellow smokers is, don't shave u're arm pits, the thing'll happen if you aren't careful.

dog420
03-10-2004, 07:46 PM
nice,,,,,i had the same problem when i shaved my balls,,,,i found myself walking round with nappy/diaper cream inbetween my balls and legs!! NOT good,,, so guys becareful shaving there too.

Peace

hunny
03-10-2004, 09:35 PM
lmao again

sorry i find that soooo amusin
:cool:

ermitonto
03-10-2004, 09:38 PM
I just stay away from razors as a rule of thumb. If Nature wants me to have hair there, I bet she's got a good reason.

dog420
03-10-2004, 09:48 PM
Your right there,,,,but my mrs don't like to pick my bollock hairs from her teeth.


Peace

Toffee
04-24-2005, 03:27 PM
hahahah, man i woke my mum up with laughter!!!
great story, very descriptive

chris420
04-24-2005, 05:09 PM
LMFAO, thats a disturbing hillarious story.
wish u luck in the coming days, itll take a few weeks for it to be normal again

kyle
04-24-2005, 05:22 PM
Lol, dude I pissed off my whole household with howls of laughter. *wipes tears from eyes* You have no idea how halarious that is. Ahahaha, props on the story and I'll refrain from shaving my rear.

kuulbns
04-24-2005, 05:50 PM
I'm still laughing!!

F L E S H
04-24-2005, 06:41 PM
Wow... Really funny! I like the detail... :D

Button Basher
04-24-2005, 06:47 PM
Lol, funny as hell. First post and your already the funniest person i've met on this forum. :D

F L E S H
04-24-2005, 06:48 PM
too bad the post was made over a year ago... :confused:

ScarlettCrush
04-24-2005, 08:16 PM
next time trim, don't shave.

FRANKFRANKFRANK
04-24-2005, 08:44 PM
That was the most disgusting thing I've ever read in my life.

"I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

thewooman
04-24-2005, 09:30 PM
OMG , that was hilaroius, i at first was'nt gonna read it cus it was too long, but now im glad i did, im sorry for your troubles... but that was the funnist thing iv heard in ages!!!!

Hektik
04-24-2005, 10:58 PM
lmao, that story is mad funny. That guy needs to start postin up in this bitch

KellisJ2003
04-24-2005, 11:42 PM
Haha I think every guy over the age of 16 has had this problem in their lifetime. I've also tried to shave, but I get bad razor burn and it makes a rash which hurts EXTREMELY bad. I'm never shaving the ass hair again. As for ball hair, I wouldn't know where to begin shaving that...

GHoSToKeR
04-24-2005, 11:44 PM
lol that had me laughing from the start

"It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping."

LOL Awesome! :)

Etrain
04-24-2005, 11:51 PM
Ah, funny shit : )

GHoSToKeR
04-25-2005, 12:32 AM
pun intended? :p

Etrain
04-25-2005, 12:56 AM
Yes :)

Looker
04-25-2005, 01:46 PM
I LOVE THAT KINDA SHIT :D

Reefer Rogue
04-25-2005, 03:54 PM
Ass hair sucks but i'm to lazy to shave it.

duppy man
04-25-2005, 08:45 PM
I have a thing about body hair ..I hate it I get my wife to wax my under arms sack, and crack,,,this works for me

kyle
04-25-2005, 09:48 PM
OW.

kyle
04-25-2005, 11:23 PM
Waxing your Nuggets must be brutal.

anycraic
04-26-2005, 01:09 AM
look at the date pppl, no wonder i thought it sounded familiar, i was in australia at the time, and in a very popular mens magazine a journalist did exactly that, its basically a stolen story buts its still funny as fuck

(hence the amazing detail and afterthought)

GREEN DUDE
04-26-2005, 10:32 AM
All i can say is ROFLMAO

2600
04-26-2005, 11:08 AM
look at the date pppl, no wonder i thought it sounded familiar, i was in australia at the time, and in a very popular mens magazine a journalist did exactly that, its basically a stolen story buts its still funny as fuck

(hence the amazing detail and afterthought)

LOL. I figured it was true, but questioned if it actually happened to him or not.


Good eye (good eye)

Rarrr
04-26-2005, 12:34 PM
Scar never actually said it was it his story. He just said "funny story...enjoy...".

rajking86
04-26-2005, 12:55 PM
Damn! Somebody publish this!

Hahahahahaha!

kuulbns
10-03-2005, 03:35 PM
Bump, for the guy looking to shave his behind!

lizka4200
10-03-2005, 05:15 PM
this thread needs to come back to be veiwed by the poeple of this site...god
i actually laughed when i read it..

Urban warrier
10-03-2005, 05:29 PM
ha ha ha ha ha that woz funny as fooooooooook!!!!!!!

NightProwler
10-03-2005, 07:50 PM
aaahahhaa i cant beileve i actually read that entire thing. thanks for the warning.

lizka4200
10-03-2005, 08:17 PM
i wasnt gonna sit and read it but i fugred to give it a shot....thank god

mf greg
10-03-2005, 08:38 PM
wow, what an amazing story

NYCZILLESTROLLER
10-03-2005, 10:30 PM
AHAHAHA

fuzzylogic
10-12-2005, 08:45 PM
LOL that sucks bro!

ShWeave
10-13-2005, 12:43 AM
honestly, that was one of the funniest things i have ever read. Also, it was well written.