Looking Ahead To Hell

[beachguy in thongs]

Nobody sees that frustration that I go through, in the early morning hours, because everyone's asleep. When my medicine is running really low, I know that Hell's fire will come soon. As I walk down the street, past every single angel on Earth, I have to hide the fire behind my eyes.

I am so disappointed. If it's not their fault, it's their parent's fault, or, their grandparent's, or, so on. The people, that I can turn to, can only offer what affects everything that I don't want tampered with. Like, my sanity.

Sooner, or, later, I'll be able to reach out and help someone, but, I have to be let off this leash. I can only go so far without my mind being struck down with pain.

[DRybes]

Not exactly sure what's wrong, but I get frustrated in the early morning too. It's a combination of hating to go to sleep, being out of cigarettes, and having to work in a few hours. 5am rolls around and suddenly I'm tired as hell and I can't stand the feeling, the entire idea of 'I do not want this, I want to sleep for 10 hours'.

[beachguy in thongs]

Thanks, Drybes! If the doctors could figure out what was wrong, my lawyer would've been able to win me compensation so I could pay for my herb, illegally, for the rest of my life.

They couldn't and my lawsuit's winnings went into a guitar and a convertible, which I gave to my ex-girlfriend when we broke up because she needs it. I don't. The car, not the guitar.

[beachguy in thongs]

If you want to check it out, be my guest: http://boards.cannabis.com/legal/140859-who-do-i-contact-somebody-shoot-me-down.html

[beachguy in thongs]

One act can turn my life from daily hell to daily heaven. This act was our constitutional right given by our Founding Fathers.

[DRybes]

I take it you can't get Marinol / Marinol doesnt work for you?

[beachguy in thongs]

I haven't tried it. I wanted the secondary pain to go away on it's own. I told the doctors, no pills. Finally, after 3/4 of a year, I wound up on a year's worth of experimenting with pills. There's more to what weed does for me, than just changing my pain to bliss.

[beachguy in thongs]

I'm done with this pain that I've felt for three, and a half, hours since I woke up at 2:00 a.m.

I'll see you in a bit, when I'm on the other side of life!

[beachguy in thongs]

If I could take a pill that immediately warms my entire body, and, immediately erases my gait, and, immediately sprinkles joy down my leg (and, somewhat, my arm), and, increases my focus time (allowing me to see something, then move on to the next thing), and, corrects my imbalanced hips, and, oh, well. I've had one hit. I can't prove anything to anybody.

[cm8883]

I'm so sorry for all the pain and discomfort you suffer from daily, beachguy. :( It should make us all aware of our blessings.

[beachguy in thongs]

There was a day when I was normal, with the ability to make something of my life. I'm trying to make my abnormal life mean something. Thanks.

[geonagual]

All things can come and go...but the most important thing ino our lives is our health and well being. It sucks your in pain and for some reason the world suppresses our medicine..you really have to wonder why...why?why?why?

[Coelho]

Man... im very sorry for you... being continuously in pain must be awful... i hope soon you get some weed and be relieved...


It should make us all aware of our blessings.

Exactly... i think your suffering should be an example for us all... like... most of people complain about petty problems, about useless things... most of people think they are unhappy because of idiotic things... and yet, if they were to suffer for only one day what you suffers everyday, they would learn HOW fortunate they are... i remember the time i broke my arm and couldnt sleep cause of the cast which make my back being contorted... during that times of pain, i rethinked a lot of things... i promissed to myself that after i were cured i would make a sign written "remember the cast" and put it in my bedrooms wall, so whenever i were to complain about anything i would remember how afortunate i were for being able to sleep without pain. I never actually made the sign, but its words remained in my mind, and changed a lot my view of the world and the life.
So... i may be wrong... but maybe the suffering your passing through right now is a kind of "learning phase"... for allow you to rethink many things, and get a new point of view... i think even the worst thing may be useful, if we know how to use it...
BTW, i know that no words can alleviate a physical pain... but unfortunately words are everything i can give to you... if you were nearer to me, surely i would give you all weed you wished... but there is some thousand miles between us... so all i can do is hope you get better. And i do. My best wishes for you, beachguy! :thumbsup:

[beachguy in thongs]

Thank you, Coelho :thumbsup: It's exactly a learning experience.

I've learned that the only, real life I'll ever see is when I have the Green Spirits on my side. :stoned:

[beachguy in thongs]

Because? Because? Because?

Because this World would be a better place.

[beachguy in thongs]

But, you see all this pain, and, yet, after smoking five hits, starting sixteen hours ago, my body is perfectly healthy, but, the painful area is filled with bliss.

I did have a bout of pain, near lunch, and a the Green Spirits worked their magic, today. So, now I can sprint around the apartment complex.

[cwesto]

There was a day when I was normal, with the ability to make something of my life. I'm trying to make my abnormal life mean something. Thanks.

Well, BeachGuy i fear that u r looking too much at the bad things in life, and not the good things that u have passion for. There is meaning to everything in life, i believe. For sure it may not always seem like it, but it is there u just must find it.

Ok dont laugh at this quote b/c what its from just listen to what it say

"what makes a man is not how hard he punches, but how many punches he can take and still keep on going" Rocky Balboa

Dont laugh i said lol, my point is that what doesnt kill us makes us all stronger.

If they wont give u ur med. here man, then get the fuk out of "here", go get it where u can.

Ur life is what u make it, and i kno ull figure everything out

[CultureCherryPopper]

Beachguy, if you plan on movin' to Cali or another decriminalized or medicinal state, can you pick me up in Ohio along the way? Lol. But seriously, I love cannabis and all that it can do for mankind. Cannabis is the plant that will heal all nations. (I wish I had faith so I could check out Craig Rubin's Temple 420 in LA, but I'd just feel guilty.) It's people like you that feel so strongly about cannabis that can bring about the necessary change in this world. Perhaps this is your time to turn your abnormal life into something special? Maybe a calling, destiny, vocation? Turn your pain into passion and start the much-needed revolution. Just a thought.

[CanaDanKs Inc.]

Damn beachguy, I had no idea about any of this! I have felt extreme pains in my life and I know how much of a fucking struggle it can be when you can barely move... I am sorry man.
It is quite awesome, on the other hand, that mj helps so much... what a wonderful plant.

Like Coelho said.. it is kind of mind shaking to realize how fortunate people really are.. and the same applies to you as well my friend. There are people who suffer even more, people who can't even rely on the Green Spirits to aid them.. May we all cherish what we have, and nurish it!

[L Rag]

This is the type of shit that makes me dislike emos so much - they cry about stupid material shit when there are people out there that have problems these people couldn't dream of. Heads up man

[Nailhead]

Sorry to hear about your pain beachguy, I'll smoke a bowl just in honor of you ;) I too have dreams of someday living in a peaceful world where people grow marijuana plants openly in their gardens, not only for harvesting but also for the pure beauty of freedom. Where parks are littered with marijuana leaves dancing around in the wind and children play nearby and people forgive eachother for their disagreements.

Marten Luther King once had a dream, at the time it seemed like an impossible and unimaginable dream, yet that never stopped him. In the same manor, let's keep this dream alive!

[beachguy in thongs]

I remember seeing, on the History Channel, this guy speaking of a place, in New York, where he looked out and saw cannabis for as far as he could see.

It's not that I can hardly move, it's the pain being all-existent. It's, like, a vice-grip on the left side of my body. It's been a learning experience. I've learned that nothing can just take away the pain, without screwing with my head or stomach, except cannabis.

I wake up and it's there. There's nothing good for me to focus on when I haven't even opened my eyes. If I spoke of all the good things, then I'd be here all day talking about coffee, walking the dog, bringing my girlfriend to work, and, the weather.

Thanks, Pot. Life is Great. The World keeps spinning.

[beachguy in thongs]

The last time I went an extended period without pot, I walked my dog, around the apartment complex, hobbling with a cane. The next time I walked around, keeping up with the dog, I was laughing, thinking how hard God is laughing at the fact that his people are so confused by my walking habits.

I was a wild man out on shortstop, as I was growing up. My sarcasm, with the umpires, had me thrown out of tons of games. My temper was the problem, but, it always came out as a joke. Now, I use that temper every morning. It seems as if God said, "If you're going to be that way, you'll be using your temper to fight yourself."

"And, if you smoke one of my more elder children, you'll laugh at yourself, instead."

"Well, my gift to the animals." (God corrected Himself)

[Narf!]

If you can pick up a knife, then you can sever your leash. Its in your hands, my friend. And in your hands only. I have found, in life when you hate, hate will find you. When you are great, greatness will find you. Be great, my friend. Believe in yourself. Peace be with you.

[Nochowderforyou]

Hell will be sweet. I'll see my mothers side of her family and see what kind of pricks they really were. :p

I'm not sure if you're in physical pain or mental pain, but physical pain is something I don't know a lot about. Maybe search on the net. about natural painkillers. I have heard of herbal (not just cannabis) remedies that can be good for pains. I share your hatred for pills, and unfortunatly, I have o take them for my bi-polar disorder, but painkillers and totally diff. from what I take. Painkillers are heavy pills and can be very addicting and damaging to the body.

For mental pain though and depression, I strongly suggest a creative outlet. You mentioned something about guitar...? I too play guitar and it is a very good outlet for me. I write and play nothing but my own songs and it gives me a chance to say what I really want to say. I mostly play, but notes and music can have just as strong as impact as words.

I also write. Not like a journal, but short stories about reflections on my life with non-fictional adds and twists to it.

Go walking or try to do something for the pain you are feeling.

Meditation works as well. Just simple breathing workouts is all that is needed.

The world is a hostile place and we have to embrace it. The worlds problems bother the shit out of me. How human beings behave towards one another is disgusting to me. How we all feed off tradegy and distress for others, it's disgusting how we were given this earth, one world, and what we chose to do with it. I am looking forwards to this worlds ending, and I hope I am around to see everyone crying so I can laugh at them and say, "what the fuck did you expect?"

Those things bother me, but I keep on going in life. I let my creative oulets do the talking for me about these things that bother me.

Take care Beachguy. I hope things get better for you. :)

[Demeter]

"Darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear" yes you have forced me to quote the Indigo Girls:D but it is true. One must not succumb to the downward pull which is all around us.The true hero follows light and carries it within, and the deeper the darkness that surrounds you, the stronger the light can be! Use pot as medicine and be grateful for its gifts.
Never give up-

[Earthy Dank]

Man... I have a friend in your same situation... He's 18... He's the drummer in my band and i have known him for years... The doctors found two tumors in the back of his brain that started growing recently.... He is trapping in a hospitial bed with tubes coming out of his head and he's on so much dope that he can barely hold a conversation. They have Done SEVEN FUCCKIN surgeries and can't seem to do shit about it... ANd it is killing my friend in more ways than one. He says the only thing that makes him happy is when he go up there and smoke with him. He says he can forget about his pain when hes stoned. When weed works and dilauadid and methadone doesn't you gotta think about how fucked up this country is.... IMO... Pain is the highest authority... And then law enforcement..

[beachguy in thongs]

Thanks, everyone. After all of this, I'm blessed to be able to only feel the soothing of an injury, on one side (of my body), and, having a cat in heat puke while I'm typing this.

Anyways, one side of the body, all healing, the other side is right on with it.

[beachguy in thongs]

A van hit the left side of my body, with a door in between. That's what I feel everyday. Everyday, it should be filled with bliss, and, Lord knows, I try.

[SFGurrilla]

Sorry to hear about all of it buddy. I get like this when I cant burn for a couple hours after I get up and am sitting in class at 7am. Keep your mind positive bro. Mind powers what you need, theres still that THC running in your blood put it to use.

[invision]

hey beachguy i know how you feel man, i have extreme discomfort on my left lower side and center of my spine, its probly from cracking my back for years but now if i dont it will hurt to the point of tears unless i crack it.

some days im so stiff if i dont smoke some herb i will never relax and mhy back will ache for hours, makes matters worse when i dont have health insurance either so i have to deal with it as doctor bills would cripple my income.

gotta love the USA, smoke herb to feel better and go to jail, yet take pills get addicted and thats ok.....right..... :)

[beachguy in thongs]

My Father wasn't much a part of my life as I grew up. Now, as a double heart-attack victim, with diabetes, I carry his groceries to his third-floor apartment, every week. He, in turn, buys me groceries (my girlfriend works at McDonald's, we're too rich for Food Stamps).

He went to my nephews' baseball games, at a group of fields with a gravel/dirt parking lot. As he exited his car, his shoe became lodged in between his accelerator and the floor. There were two games, for both of my nephews. During the second one, at a different field from the first, someone noticed that my Father didn't have a shoe. After looking all around for it, my Mother (they're divorced) found his shoe under his gas pedal.

This sixty-five year old man, so hyped up on pills, had the power to walk across rocks without feeling a thing. And, then these people drive around in cars.

God damn!

Thanks for replying, everyone. This place makes me smile and laugh.

[beachguy in thongs]

It may sound new age-y but I really believe in the correlation between types of thinking and brain response. They say the right half controls certain aspects of our personality and the left as well, one side sees a pile a fruit and veggies, the other side sees a portrait of a person, when in reality the picture is a portrait made of fruit and veggies.

If you can, try to research and develop some activities that you think stimulate the damaged part of your brain, trust me I know its hard to use your brain when it's the part that's damaged and it may feel like a Catch 22 where you need to be able to use your brain completely in order to heal it, but they know now that brain cells regenerate. But they don't have a good grasp on what makes it do this, from personal experience it comes from exercising your brain and learning new things. It may seem far fetched but new information you gain is directly related to brain growth.

Learning a new language at an older age has been proven to reduce the effects of and onset of diseases like Alzheimer's and other degenerative brain disorders that mostly occur as a result of aging.

Im not sure so please double check but I think left hemi = subjective and right hemi = objective. (put much more colorfully but real professionals) so a good thing to start with might be reading fiction, good fiction i might add. Hell even going back and watching all your favorite movies might help strengthen neural pathways that are in decline.

If you haven't already (i think i remember you saying you have a long while ago) go check out Kurt Vonnegut, read his books and try to absorb as much of it as possible, i think it will help due to the satire, humor and depth of his books, cat's cradle and slaughterhouse-five in particular. Sirens of titan is good, as are most of his stuff. And if you don't like full books, get Welcome to the Monkey House, which is a bunch of amazing short stories.

I hope you enjoy.


Anyways I digress, and I wish nothing but the best of luck to you, and offer all the encouragement i can; it must be tough living with a brain condition like yours so try not to let it drag you down into depression and stagnation because these are tantamount to giving up.

Much respect,
Sam:)

Thanks, a lot. The method that you're suggesting is similar to what I've been doing. The past thirteen years have been the most educational ever. Not only did I learn how to do the simple tasks, all over again, but, I re-learned what I knew by teaching others at the same time as teaching myself.

It's funny, because my senior thesis, in high school, was about how music correlates to each cerebral hemisphere. I can only remember standing in the library, and that was my thesis.

I read a couple of Isaac Asimov books, after the coma. Celestine Prophecy was another one that my sister sent me. A couple of Stephen King books. You've almost described what my life has been like, since.

I wanted to learn some Italian, from an older man, who partly-owned a restaurant that I worked for. He taught me how to say, "You're the most beautiful girl a man has ever met (or, seen)", in a Northern Italian diallect.

Kurt Vonnegut's name escapes me, but, in sixth grade, I did have a game for my computer, called "Mines of Titan", and, I had pictures of Titan as my avatar.