Should I tell him? [Archive] - Green Grass Forums

Hilder420

10-31-2007, 04:29 PM

*** READ*** OK, this is a very sensitive issue for me, so if you've got something crass to say or insensitive, I'd rather you not post a reply.

I've decided that I'm going to commit to a relationship with the man I've sort of been seeing for the past six years, and possibly marry him. I still haven't made up my mind about children, bu the loves them and is great with all of his nephews and friends kids. he wants children so badly, and i am honestly considering it because i know that no matter how much of a shitty parent i might be, he will be a great dad and hes such a good guy that he deserves to be happy, and if i can help give him that, it will make me happy. Now, he doesn't know about me being sexually abused by my step-father, and i don't know whether its something i should share with him. Its not a trust issue, i trust him completely, but i don't want him to change the way he sees me. As of right now he thinks of me as a strong, independent, fiery woman who needs no one to stand on her own two feet, which i am, but he doesn't know about how vulnerable i feel once i tell someone of my past. I don't want him to feel sorry for me, its just that by telling him, it would explain alot of my personality an my actions, and it would help for him to understand why i feel the way i do about some things. He is one of the only men i trust, and i know he wouldn't use it to hurt me one day, but i cant help but still, after all these years, and yes, i realize it wasn't my fault, to still feel ashamed. I feel that this is something that he should know about, its not a big secret, my sister, my best friend, Momma (not my mother), and y'all know, but i don't think i should wait for him to hear it from someone else. So.. should i tell him?

TheGreatBenzino

10-31-2007, 04:36 PM

WHOAH! first thats first i have read that fact. BUT NONE THE LESS, tell him. If you are afraid he might see you in a different way after you tell him, think of this. what if you didnt tell him and got really serious with him, like you plan on doing, and then someone tells him and he changes, then your in a worse situation. I say tell him now, so you still have time to analyze his reaction. Before making any MAJOR future decisions.

Hilder420

10-31-2007, 04:41 PM

WHOAH! first thats first i have read that fact. .

what fact?

slipknotpsycho

10-31-2007, 04:48 PM

telling him is really up to you... i'm like 99.9999% positive his view of you isn't gonna change if you tell him... i mean it's not like you're teling him you seduced your step-dad, while yal were still together or something..... you're already who you are and he's obviously in love, what makes you think something that 'minimal' (minimal as in effecting this relationship :p not saying the abuse it's self is minimal, just had to make that clear) would make him change his mind of you?

killerweed420

10-31-2007, 04:51 PM

I know that for some people this a real big issue being molested by family members and its a lot more common than most people think.I would bet that everyone of us has a relative that has been molested.Lots of bad things happen to kids this is just one of them.
But I would make sure this is your one big relationship. Sometimes men can get overly emotional about this issue at first and over respond in a bad way.If your going to tell him make sure you are in a secure enviorment where you won't be interrupted and you will have the time to talk the whole thing out.

kdspecial

10-31-2007, 05:15 PM

My current Gf of 2 years Has had similar problems in the past (childhood). I'm basically the complete opposite My parents stayed together didn't do drugs and there was definitly no abuse. besides the abuse that I gave them in My "I Don't Care" teenager days.

So I knew somthing was up when I first met her. I'm not the pushsy type so I let her come to me. And she did, when she felt the time was right. So slowly I would learn things that definitly helped me understand her better. In fact If it weren't for her telling me some of these things we wouldn't be where we are today. However,,, She didn't tell me in person... she typed me a letter. A few times with different things from her past. I was floored when I read them. I have always read storys like that but never actully meet somone that went throught it. She found typing it to me was much easier than actully telling me in person. So you might wanna give that a try.

Heres one thing I learned from this whole experience. I know what happened in her past childhood. The BS and horror of it all. but no matter how hard I try, No matter how much I think about it . I will never understand what it feels like. Not even for a second. And that still to this day leaves me at a loss. Somtimes I say things that are no biggy to me but to her because of those experiences its devastating. because I can never feel what she felt I have no clue. it can be hard at times.

So all im trying to get across. Is just because you tell him that stuff he will never fully undertand how you feel about it and he definitly will not understand what it felt like. But I felt it was important that I found out about the past. because like I said earlier it did help me undersatnd a few things about her better. things I never could have figured out on my own. Even very little things. Ex(obsessive complusive cleaning of the aprtment)

So you should tell him. And if its too uncomforatble to do in person Emails are great or letters or whatever. Its just another way a expression. and is alot easier for most people.

I wouldn't worrie to much about him looking at you different or treating you different. He might initally but thats just cuz he feels he might have too (guys somtimes think Girls tell us things to try and solve a problem or to find a solution). I did that for a bit and I was pretty much told I didn't have to do that right away. My GF is a extreamly strong person as well. She doesn't like much help with certin things and she isn't shy about letting me know. Its a blessing and a curse at the same time... hahahah

Just make sure you let him know your not looking for a solution or answer. All your looking for is moving foward in the relationship.

He will never understand what it felt like. Or how it effects you today or tommrow. However it will help him make his own efforts to becomming a better Husband/boyfriend/Lover etc. and add strength and stability to your relatioship. which is the ultimate goal right?

So with that go write him a letter or talk with him..

hope something in there helped.

kd_special

silkyblue

10-31-2007, 05:32 PM

kdspecial

10-31-2007, 06:10 PM

If your gonna "tell the past" make sure you have "alot of support"!!

some guys 'feel helpless' when they hear the 'bad past news!' guys like to be that 'night in shinnin armour'~~

tellin EVERYTHING wont, help it go away< it might help you,' carry the stone' but IT "wont go away"!

IF the story has a 'nut case runnin loose' tell the authoritys"!

other than that , as 4 me I wouldnt say a dam word,! only to bff's!

its a fresh start the past has nothing, but everything, to do, with your future,

Im not sure if you mean tell him or not.. I think you mean Not and I have to dissagree with you. You even make a good point though....

"its a fresh start the past has nothing, but everything, to do, with your future"

BUT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR FUTURE....

Which is exactly why he should know. Cuz you want to better yours and his future... And It will help him Become a better man for you. You watch!!!...

Only cowards will run. You said friends for 6 yrs... This isn't the type of man to Run..:thumbsup:

Rather the man who will understand why you in the past have shown signs of commitment phobia. (I read the other post)

kd

silkyblue

10-31-2007, 06:21 PM

gp,

keep that support near

some people

cant handle the truth

:thumbsup:

Storm Crow

11-01-2007, 12:43 AM

If he's half the man you think he is, he will hug you and cry with you. He will see the fragile part of you and want to protect you. If you explain it right, he will also see your strength! You survived!

My own "stepfather" problems weren't quite as bad as yours, but my hubby knows. And if my stepfather ever steps foot in my house, he will have a very bad day!

If your love responds badly, count yourself luck to "have had your eyes opened". TRUE love accepts anything and everything!

- Granny:hippy:

cm8883

11-01-2007, 01:06 AM

Hilder--the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was that he would respect you even more knowing what you've gone through and are still a strong, independent female.
I would definitely tell him if it were me; just so there won't be any secrets between you; you can start your marriage fresh, knowing he knows it all and loves you still.

illnillinois

11-01-2007, 01:09 AM

a relationship without honesty wont last.

geonagual

11-01-2007, 01:14 AM

hmmmm...only tell him if you feel it will help you...if not then dont say anything...you have already went 6 years without saying anything...scratch that...just tell him, be open, be done with it..everything always works out and this will to..Peace, D

cutecalikitty

11-01-2007, 01:19 AM

Hilder, you should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to share what has happened to you .. not just with those physically close to you, but with us here. That is commendable and truly shows that you are sincere in your concern about how this could affect your relationship ..

Realize that you dont have to give any explanation to him about how/what happened, so dont feel compelled to "make him understand", but do open your heart to the fact that he can provide a comfort to you like no other.

Follow your heart .. I think you already realize that its something you should share with him .. you just need to feel when the time is right.

*big hugs* to you. There's no doubt that he's got a strong, independent woman with a big heart to match.

Hope you post here once you make final wedding plans. Would love to celebrate with you .. even if its here online :hippy:

Hilder420

11-01-2007, 01:59 AM

AARRGGHH!!!! I dont know what to do... I just dont know what hes gonna think or say.. He is or was a runner, when i told him i had an abortion without telling him first he didnt speak to me for a year. I dont expect him to run away this time, but im afraid he will see me as damaged and maybe feel sorry for me. I dont want pity from anyone. One of the biggest hang ups we have is that i keep myself at a distance and dont immerse myself in our relationship. he knows its hard for me to let my guard down, and one of the reasons is because im afraid of letting myself fall in love with him, and he break my heart again. I dont think i could take that again. the other is my distrust of men. then theres the whole me not being able to show my emotions when im sad or distressed. If im alone, i can cry, but if ANYONE is in the room, i cant cry. all i do is remain detached and stoic, and it frustrates him that i dont open up to him. Ive tried telling him before, but i cant seem to be able to make the words come out of my mouth. I might have to write him a letter. I feel i should tell him because he feels i lock him out of so much of whats going on with me, that i dont want him to think i dont trust him. It would explain a Hell of alot. God, im beginnig to think i should just leave it all alone, and just run and give him the out he should take because he doesnt deserve to deal with all of my bullshit. maybe im meant to be alone, and honestly it would be soooo much easier for all parties involved.

cutecalikitty

11-01-2007, 02:13 AM

Hilder, what happened was NOT your fault .. stop convicting yourself for a crime you did not commit.

What happened to you in your life is what has made you who you are today. From the sound of it, you seem to be pretty happy with the woman you have become.

Have you considered having some type of pre-marital counseling? There may be some good insight to gain from that. Plus it gives you both someone you can discuss your feelings with privately.

Best of luck to you .. and stop being so hard on yourself :hippy:

qdavid

11-01-2007, 02:17 AM

Yes. Most definitely. There are so many reasons you should. I'll give just one. If he somehow found out later and you hadn't told him, it'd hurt him bad.

Hilder420

11-01-2007, 02:38 AM

All right everything i say in this thread stays here got it!!! no treating me different everywhere else.

Hilder, what happened was NOT your fault .. stop convicting yourself for a crime you did not commit.
I know its not my fault, Ive watched enough Oprah to know that. After all i was only 9 when it started.

What happened to you in your life is what has made you who you are today. From the sound of it, you seem to be pretty happy with the woman you have become.
i sure put up a good front huh? no, I am pretty much happy most of the time. i manage to forget about it for a while, especially when weed is present hahaha but at times i can get into a depressing mood and burst out crying at the drop of a hat.

fallenangel14

11-01-2007, 10:08 AM

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT YOU SHOULD TELL HIM....IF ANYTHING HE WILL, SUPPORT YOU, LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU....BEST OF LUCK TO YOU.....:thumbsup:

qdavid

11-01-2007, 10:38 AM

Huh? Speak up, would you. Nevermind my smartass remark. Using caps on the internet mens you're shouting.

cutecalikitty

11-01-2007, 10:42 AM

Hilder, the only way I would ever treat you differently after this is if I saw you out somewhere wearing spandex .. thats just wrong :hippy:

stinkyattic

11-01-2007, 11:55 AM

I just dont know what hes gonna think or say.. He is or was a runner, when i told him i had an abortion without telling him first he didnt speak to me for a year. I dont expect him to run away this time, but im afraid he will see me as damaged and maybe feel sorry for me. I dont want pity from anyone. .
I'm sure the reason he was upset about the abortion was that he was personally involved in the circumstances leading up to that. This is very very different. TELL him you don't want pity, TELL him that you don't want him to see you as damaged- that you've HEALED and telling him is the final part of the process of becoming whole again.

I moved this back into the general sexuality area because this isn't a woman's issue, this is an issue that men and women BOTH have to deal with; men get sexually abused as well, and they and their partners have to go through this too.

Stay strong Hilder, you're doing the right thing, and I hope that talking about it here is good practice for what you are going to say to him.

WeedyBoyWonder

11-01-2007, 02:11 PM

In my opinion I think telling him is the best option.
If you considering marrying this person, having children with him... something like that shouldn't be kept to yourself I don't think as it could potentially cause issues down the line.
If he is who you think and say he is, then I'm sure it wouldn't cause problems and atleast it would be in the open with you both and nothing needs to be hidden from each other.
Best of luck with that ever you do.

thcbongman

11-02-2007, 01:15 AM

Strength doesn't come from nowhere. There is always a source that makes us stronger everyday.

If he loves you, he won't change how he sees you. Plus if you tell him, he might open up a little more ;)

geonagual

11-02-2007, 01:31 AM

I just wanted to say hi:) carry on:cool:

itsofficial

11-02-2007, 01:37 AM

i didnt really read any of the replies, but i say definatly tell him. if he really cares about you nothing will change.if you tell him it will definaly take a huge load off your chest and you will be so relieved that you did,and you probably realize that you should have told him a long time ago.

and if your thinking of marriage and kids secrets like that cant be secrets anymore. thats just my opinion. good luck with everything

jessem98

11-02-2007, 02:04 AM

if you truly love him then tell him, if someone cant love you for who you really are and not what they believe then they dont really love YOU

Hilder420

11-06-2007, 05:04 PM

Couldnt do it. He got pissed, i left, its over. and now i can breathe. i just knew he wasnt gonna react in a good way after a few choice comments. after some negotiations, we were goin back to friends, hadnt decided on the benefits, but i think im done. oh and this all happened like days ago.

geonagual

11-06-2007, 05:08 PM

Hilder420

11-06-2007, 05:19 PM

yeah it was mostly out of my commitment phobia, but also that i knew he was gonna say or do something stupid, and instead of me saying something, i just saved it all and avoided it.. its for the best, i know it. glad i listened to my head.

geonagual

11-06-2007, 05:24 PM

it is probably for the better..some things are just better kept inside..maybe some other time..maybe not..

c of green

11-06-2007, 06:31 PM

if you dont tell him nothing changes.it is a sad thing from your past that plays no real role in your relationship.he loves you for you no matter how you got there so i say don't tell him.i realize you want to be totally honest and open with him but are you also gonna talk about "that ex boyfriend that was your best lay ever"as i see it things like that should only be talked about if it is going to benefit someone.the only think that can come from telling him is change.

beachguy in thongs

11-06-2007, 06:36 PM

I know all about my girlfriends' pasts, and, you better tell him or he's not worth it.

trainwreck530

11-07-2007, 03:43 AM

well put beachdude...

...counldnt have said it better. best of luck hilder, youve got my support!:)

-donny

TheSmokingMonkey

11-07-2007, 11:28 PM

Okay, nevermind, I should remember to read all the way down before replying.