Jokes

[psychocat]

First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9"
Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry : "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets".

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands".

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[psychocat]

An 80 year old couple were seen furiously shagging up against a fence. For 40 minutes they shagged like bastards, arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the ground exhausted.

"Christ" she said, "you didn't fuck me like that 50 years ago!".

To which the man replies, "50 years ago that fence wasn't fucking electric!".

[Blitzed]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[420_24/7]

A baby seal walks into a club...

lol i read all the other jokes and this is the only one that made me laugh

[trynagethigh]

An elephant and a camel are sitting at the bar gettin fucked up one night when the elephant says to the camel "Man why in the hell are your tits on your back"?. The camel puts his drink down and says to the elephant "Now thats a hell of a question coming from a mothafucka with his dick on his face".
:thumbsup::jointsmile:

[Distortion]

lolcakes

[420_24/7]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[wil86]

Whats E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs.

[poiuyt]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

I laughed so hard.

[Pass That Shit]

A horse walks into a bar, bartender says to the horse, What's with the long face? :D

There was also a guy at the same bar who would come in and ask for three beers at once. So one day, the bartender finally asks him, why don't you order one beer at a time and enjoy them cold? The guy tells the bartender that he always used to drink with his two buddies but they are now fighting overseas. So he orders three beers as a tradition of them all drinking together. Then one day he came into the bar and orders only two beers. As he's enjoying his two beers, the bartender says to him, I'm sorry about your buddy.
The guy says, what do you mean? Well I figured that since you only ordered two beers, one of your buddies died at war.
The guy says, oh no, they are both fine, but I quit drinking! :D

[LaZ]

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."

OWNED! lmao

[ghosty]

whats the difference between a crack dealer and a hooker?

a hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

[ganjzilla]

hahahaha i liked that last one ghosty and as far as the grocery store joke that shit made me geek out

[psychocat]

The Farting Competition


Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Harley said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

[LaZ]

I hope the teacher was hot.

[ghosty]

So this nurse walks into a bank and walks up to the teller wanting to cash a check
Teller says "Ok just sign right here"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer, stalls for a sec and says "oh no!"
"What's wrong?" asks the banker
To which she replies "Some asshole got my pen"

[psychocat]

THE MORAL OF THE STORY .


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. It was Tony's turn.....
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"

[UTD Toker]

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.:rambo: