So why do parents do this?

[crudemood]

My parents lately have been really getting on my nerves. I'm going to foccus on my dad. It's kind of long but something is really bothering me about my father lately.

He's a middle aged man, he survived the vietnam war. And came all the way to Canada to live a new life. He's always been a dad whose always liked the control he had over my life as I grew up. Everytime I went out, I hardly went out, maybe once a week or two weeks he's always saying "Why are you always going out? You never stay home.. etc etc". When I speak up to him its suddenly 'talking back' because I've stated my opinion because 'back home' girls were supposed to do what they were told. He was speaking to me once trying to have a 'conversation' with me and wondered why I never just shut up and just listen to what people say and accept it. Now when I say conversation its him speaking down to me or in his words 'I'm trying to help you' and I know its just another attempt to control my life. I'd get so angry but I knew it would just turn into a pity party about how he's done so much for me and that I never listen to anything he says because he is so wise.

Lately He's always been complaining about EVERYTHING I do. I was washing the dishes he was telling me how I wasn't properly washing them without reason. He also, while watching to tv, turned around to me asked me why I hadn't become a doctor? He looked at me told me how fat I was and said I needed excercise. I didnt respond because what do you say to something like that? Then he said it again! He criticizes me and expects me to be something great in life at the same time he doesn't think I can do anything. He never ever taught me how to drive a standard car because I was a girl. The whole 5 years he had the car he wouldn't teach my sister or I how to drive it but as soon as my MALE cousin came along asked to drive it, he didnt even hesitate. He breathes down my neck doesnt give me my space to make my OWN decisions. Everytime I make my own decision about something he'll find ONE way to shoot the idea down. For example for fathers day my sister and I went through alot of trouble finding a Hammock stand for the hammock we got him maybe a week. We set it up put everything in place for him for when he came home. The only thing he said about it was, its going to get wet you should put it away before it rains.
When I made a decision and went ahead and bought my guitar, his first words out of his mouth were 'wow you spent all that money on that guitar, you couldve spent it on somehting else. how come you never think of these things.'

He told me he wanted to help me with my life and I asked him how? His answer to me was to give me money if I ever needed. I thought this was all good but I asked him what else? He didn't say anything.

I've gotten to the point where, I dont react to him anymore. Nothing I say or do is good enough for this guy. I just sit there staring blankly at him because in the back of my mind he's failed as a father, emotionally.

[fackfackfack]

You honestly remind me a lot of myself... My father acts in this very manner, basically all the time, and you have to tell yourself, it's not your problems, it's his. There's no need for him to verbalize his thoughts, probably coming from some other anger, not even from you. You just have to remind yourself it's not you, and he really does care about you, he just shows it in a very harsh way. He's your father. He loves you, and you cannot forget that!

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

That's some pretty harsh attitude he has toward you Crudemood, almost like you're the "big disappointment". And that doesn't necessarily mean you are, but obviously he has such a clear picture in his head of what your life should be, he won't even let you figure it out yourself.

I think you should say to him that the only way you're going to learn how to run a life, is to be allowed to make your mistakes and learn from them. Nobody becomes a successful and independant person by having somebody else order them since they have it "all figured out".
And tell him, strait out, that he constantly belittles you and won't let you have an opinion. Point out that it doesn't even matter if you're "right", if you want to buy a guitar or take karate or become an artist, whatever, it's your right to explore that avenue and find out for yourself what comes of it.
Or heck, just show him this post if you don't want to speak up, or can't.

[birdgirl73]

Real sorry you're going through that, Crudemood. He doesn't know how to be supportive, it sounds like, and instead reacts with criticism and control. My guess is he sees you slipping away/growing up and it scares him and he doesn't really know how to deal with that directly on his end. So instead he converts it into the criticism and control and directs it back at you. That has got to be awful.

[Storm Crow]

With me it was my Mom. Bipolar and alcoholic. Hang in there! You will survive and be a better person for it! YOU will never put another person through what we have both experienced! You will break that chain of abuse, and yes, it is abuse, psychological abuse! And it can leave scars. Although intellectually I know I am competent, artistic, and brilliant, I am never sure if I am good enough, smart enough and talented enough! As a result I am an over-achiever (wait til you see my post on the 30th- you'll see what I mean). I paint, sculpt and quilt. I graduated from college with honors. Yadda, yadda, yadda... The thing is, you can take these bad experiences and turn them around to make yourself a better person. Be who YOU are, not who someone else expects you to be! - Granny:hippy:

[Nocturnal Stoner]

Sorry to hear that, I have some experience, I'm the disappointment in my family, I always get shit like, "-------- you'll never be anything" and "what do you think your going to when you're older" patronisingly, and my favourite, "soon you'll be out of this house" all by my dad, love him to bits but gets on my tits, I just be normal talk back to him try and prove my point at which he gets pissed off with similarly with yours, strange isn't it.

[Mississippi Steve]

Easy enough, when he says your not doing something right, tell him to show you how *he* wants it done. basicaly, without actually saying it, let him know that you just following his example. Is he an upstanding member of the community?? Is he a doctor??
What kind of example does he set for you??
Don't be a smartass about it either.... that will just piss him off.

[ProGroWannabe]

My guess is he sees you slipping away/growing up and it scares him and he doesn't really know how to deal with that directly on his end. So instead he converts it into the criticism and control and directs it back at you. That has got to be awful.

Right On birdgirl! Thats exactly what I was thinkin too.

[cashflow]

My dad is quite similar, wasn't in a war or anything but he has some sort of mental illness. Yells at me cause i never talk to him but whenever I do he yells at me for talking back. Tells me to spend time with him but whenever I do he seems to be hostile towards me, never happy. We just have an aweful relationship, hopefully after I move out we can start to straighten things out but I don't think i'll see any progress until then. The part I hate the most is when he calls me lazy, now don't get me wrong I am lazy but he is such a dick about it and overuses it. Lets say I don't throw something away for a day, he will bring it up all week. Also always talks bad about m in front of relatives, hardly anything positive :(

[birdgirl73]

If it helps--and I know it doesn't do much, but I hope in some way this'll be a comfort--parents who do that constant-criticism/name-calling thing are expressing a whole lot more about how bad they actually feel about themselves than about how they feel about their kids. It's a damaging and indirect way to deal with their own issues, but that's what that's about. Hope you can get away from that soon, Cashflow, and get some loving, supportive, good folks in your life. Then when (and if) you have your own kids, I hope you can break that cycle so history doesn't repeat itself.

[silkyblue]

tell your parents exactly how you feel then

Id get the hell oughta there,>>>>>>>>>> as fast as I could,<<<<<<<<<<<< get someone to help you!, like johnny law, [the policea]


you will b better when those days are behind you

when that happens

dont look back

my parents are toxic too ((

I am not them

:stoned:

[zeitgeist]

I am kind of in the exact situation.
My father is a Vietnam Vet and has the exact same attitude about me staying out and getting angry at simple stuff.

You do gotta give him slack becasue he is used to that way of life being in the Army and War. It is VERY hard for them to show their feelings so this is a kind of way for them to express it. Its like the only way they know how.
What I always do now that normally cools stuff off is instead of getting into an argument, say something goofy that will lighten the experience. Being around him I love arguing(lol). I make it into kind of a game where you are arguing but at the same time joking.

Dont go getting all mushy on him either. Hell automatically block anything coming out of your mouth. You also have to show that you are a man are in control of your life. Hell still bitch but as time goes on it will get better

[michaelpeg]

"all by my dad, love him to bits but gets on my tits" funniest thing i have ever read on this site lmfao

[THClord]

My mom is kind of like that, not as bad as your dad though. Looking back, she's been that way since I can remember. In elementary school I was always the best student in my class. I got straight As but kept hearing "you'll fail" all the time. It wasn't everyday or anything like that, but it certainly did affect me. I'm doing really well in college and I still get that "I'm gonna screw up" and "My life is going the wrong way" and everything. All my life I've been trying to disprove her, but now I just don't care and tell her it's none of her business. I'm still doing really well everywhere, but now I am doing it for myself and only myself.

Thinking about all of this had made me realize something. Hearing that I will fail all the time had made me not take risks in life. Since I moved away from home I started taking risks and testing my limits and exploring myself and the world in a new way.

[gardener88]

oh dear my sweet, that is a bit of a pain in the arse dad, does he know you smoke pot? do you work?
you remind me of myself, my mother in law is the same in a way, she is always nagging at me wanting to help me, but i dont need it and wish she would let me get on with it.
maybe if you are a pot smoker, maybe in his day he smoked it and had a bad experiance, and is wanting to tell you but is too scared, as a parent myself, i always want to tell my son what i did or what i do, but i know if i tell him, he may think im a druggy but im not.
i could understand your dad acting this way if you were a major stoner, that sits around all day, with no job living on the doll for the fact that your lazy, then ur dads right for being like this but if your not then tell your dad the sunshine doesnt shine out of there mate! and to leave u alone, explain to him what you want out of life, what you are doing next, i always say with parents honesty is the best policy, if your going out with a few mates, just say, im oing to a friends, round jacks, i will be smoking pot, and will get a taxi back at 11, for example, atleast this way he can see your honest and that you dont give wo flyin fucks about what he thinks, then he cant give the cock and bull story about u lied n stuff,
or just tell him to have a joint and chillout, thats what i would do. x

[Reefer Rogue]

Hope the situation's improved for you Crude, he sounds awful.