Rude jokes

[cannabis campbell]

only the hilarious ones here :)

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[onequestion]

Beautiful sir.....just......beautiful....

[cannabis campbell]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[onequestion]

I love you

[cannabis campbell]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

HAHA DISGUSTING!!!

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

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A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

[onequestion]

Am i the onyl one that loves these?

[GonzoForever]

No...hahaa these are pretty good.

[cannabis campbell]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

[johneg]

lol,Cut n pastings cheating!!

Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: "How come?"

[cannabis campbell]

lmaoo love the short jokes aswell.

[onequestion]

Whered u get all these campbell?

[johneg]

All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is Amoxycillin And so on...

What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin

[GonzoForever]

A couple has been married 40 years. The man asks his wife "Do you remember when we first got married? We both had breakfast naked." After some contemplation they decide they should try it again. The next morning they are both naked at breakfast. The woman says "Nothing has changed! You still make my nipples hot."

The husband replies "I'm not surprised...one is in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."

[cannabis campbell]

Whered u get all these campbell?

Click (http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/)

[smokinbomb]

not rude but here ya go

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
o the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!" :D

[johneg]

lol!

[cannabis=freedom]

Hahaa campbell, these are great.

+ rep.

[cannabis campbell]

Thanks.

[cannabis=freedom]

Three boys, about 12 years old, are hanging out in Timmy's room, when they look out the window and see an absolutely gorgeous, voluptous 19-year-old girl totally naked.

The other two boys hang out the window drooling, but Timmy immediately screams and throws himself on his bed, covering his eyes. He then runs from the room. His friends find him in the hallway, shaking, and they say "What's the matter with you? You some kind of homo?"

Gasping, Timmy shakes his head and says "No, it's not that. My...my mother told me that if I did anything dirty, thought about anything dirty, or even looked at anything dirty, God would turn me to stone. And when I looked at that girl...I started to go hard, so I ran."

[cannabis campbell]

HAHA LMAO!!

[cannabis campbell]

Jesus, give me 2 mins im gonna try and find a microscope to read that.

[WEsmokeED]

One morning there is a woman taking a shower and she hears the doorbell ring. Knowing that her husband is still in bed she decides to answer it herself. So she grabs a towel and opens the door. She opens the door to find her husband's friend steve. Steve pulls out five one hundred dollar bills and says i'll give you all this money if you drop that towel right now and let me have a look. So the lady drops her towel, takes the money, and closes the door. When she walks back to her bedroom she finds her husband awake who asks "Who was at the door?" "Steve" she replys. "Oh" says the husband, "Well did he have my $500?"

[cannabis campbell]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[Oneironaut]

A guy goes to a psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap, and the psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"

[WEsmokeED]

hahaha thats funny ^

So three guys, Tom, Steve, and Bob are shipwrecked on a tropical island. After several days they are exploring the island and are captured by a group of native tribal people. They are taken to the head of the tribe who tells them that if they each complete two challenges he will let them go and if they fail they will be killed. The men realize they have no other choice and accept the challenge. The kings tells them that the first challenge is to go out into the jungle and bring back ten peices of any type of fruit they choose. So the three men leave and Tom returns first with ten apples. The king then tells him that the second challenge is to stick all ten fruits up his ass while keeping a straight face. Faced with no other choice Tom begins. After 3 apples the pain is so bad Tom cant hold back, and is killed by the tribe. Steve then shows up with ten cherrys and the king explains the second part of the challenge to him. So steve starts....1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8...and then begins laughing uncontrollably. The tribe kills him and he goes to heaven where he meets up with Tom. Tom ask "what happen man you almost had it why did you start laughing?" Steve replys " Because I saw Bob coming with ten pinnapples!"

[cannabis campbell]

Lmfao!!! That ones hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLLLLLL ^^

[palerider7777]

well heres one this lil boy got a new bike and was riding it in the street and the lil girl acroos the street saw him and went in crying to her mom. so the next day he went out to play she had the same new bike.

so he went and got another toy and the next day she would have the same thing. so finely he walks over to her and drops his pants and starts shakin his dick and said haha u can't have one of these.

so she runs inside crying and told her mom what happened then comes back out smiling and the lil boy says whats so funny she points to her crotch and says my mommy told me with one of these i can get all those i want

[jdmarcus59]

only the hilarious ones here :)

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

lol ha ha love it.

[palerider7777]

this miner lived out on his land and was runnin low on supplys so he asked his 10 year old daughter if she wanted to come along to get the supplys she says ok so the head off to town and load up the wagon full of the supplys and start to head back home then half way home a band of robbers stoped them at gun point and demanded them to hand over everything so the miner gives everything over and the robbers road away and the miner looks over to see if his daughter was ok only to see her putting on all her jewelry and he said how did they not find all that she points to her twat and says i put it in her to hide it the miner cusses and says damn we should have brought ur mom we could have hidden everything

[birdgirl73]

The prevailing theme in here is proving to be sexual, so I'm going to move this to that forum.

Jokes involving racially themed funnies present possible trouble, OK? Try and keep them rude, crude, funny, and free of what might be regarded as potential slurs against other ethnicities.

[nicandy]

Two buddies are chatting away, sharing a spliff.
The first one tells his friend about a freudian slip he made: "The other day, I was getting two tickets to fly to Pittsburgh, and there was this buxom blonde behind the counter. I meant to say 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh', but it came out 'Two pickets to Tittsburgh'. I was so embarassed."
His friend tells him: "The very same thing happened to me just the other day. I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say 'Pass the honey, dear', but it came out as 'You ruined my life, you fucking bitch!'...

[cannabis campbell]

The prevailing theme in here is proving to be sexual, so I'm going to move this to that forum.

Jokes involving racially themed funnies present possible trouble, OK? Try and keep them rude, crude, funny, and free of what might be regarded as potential slurs against other ethnicities.

Did i post a racist joke :eek:, you know im not racist.

[LuckyG]

Cannabis Campbell's jokes are best read with a thick Brooklyn accent.

[switch226]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[switch226]

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

[cannabis campbell]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

LMAO!

[cannabis campbell]

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

Lol sick!
---------------------------------------------------------------

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

LMFAO!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

haha heard that one before still funny though


...

[Thepossumdance]

CC u are my hero


this is the greatest thread ever

[palerider7777]

i think im concidered the white devil now lmfao

[cannabis campbell]

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

A. Fucks Funny!

[cannabis campbell]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

LOL!!!

[palerider7777]

good one

[cannabis campbell]

:D.

[Thepossumdance]

hahha omfg this thread has made me so happy

[cannabis campbell]

Lol some good ones in here, im gonna post some more..

watch this space.

[cannabis campbell]

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

[Coelho]

^^^^ROFL!!!!!! :S2:

[cannabis campbell]

?? ^

[cannabis campbell]

oh i get it.. you posted the joke before, that wasnt exactly rude, pretty offensive to people in wheelchairs..

[palerider7777]

oh well^^ are'nt we all in one way or another

[cannabis campbell]

no were not ALL offensive to people in wheelchairs lol :p anyway anyone got anymore rude jokes :D

[switch226]

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?"
The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!"
to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg"
So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?"
The guy told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk asks, "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."
The guy started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

[switch226]

A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here."
"No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?"
"Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since." :)

[switch226]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." ;)

[khronik]

Ooh, here's one:

A hunter was out in the woods hunting bears. Eventually, he found a little black bear in a clearing, and he raised his rifle and shot it dead. But as soon as he did this, he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a brown bear, and the bear told him "You've just killed a fellow bear. Now you have a choice. Either I eat you, or you bend over and take it up the butt." The hunter didn't have a choice, so he bent over, and the bear had its way with him. He limped home, vowing revenge. A few days later, he went out in the forest again looking for that brown bear, and finally found it drinking water at a stream. He picked up his rifle and shot it dead. Just then, he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around to face a huge grizzly bear. The bear told him "You've just killed a fellow bear. You know the drill, now bend over and take it like a man, or I eat you." The hunter didn't have a choice so he bent over. He dragged himself home, vowing revenge for this humiliation. A few weeks later, after he was able to walk again, the hunter went back into the woods looking for that bear. He searched for a long time, and finally found it. He picked up his rifle and shot it dead. Just then, he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around and came face to face with an enormous polar bear. The bear says "Face it, you don't exactly come here for the hunting, do you?"

[cannabis campbell]

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?"
The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!"
to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg"
So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?"
The guy told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk asks, "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit."
The guy started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

lmaooo!!!

[cannabis campbell]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[cannabis campbell]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.

-------------------------------------------

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

-------------------------------------------

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

-----------------------------------------------

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[switch226]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


LMAO lol:thumbsup:

[cannabis campbell]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

-----------------------------

Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison...."

-----------------------

I want to live my next life ........backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get
kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you
start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, and you have no Responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

[thecreator]

I love the 1st 2 good thread

[Nightcrewman]

What do you call a rabbit with a twisted dick?


Fucks Funny

NCM