Joke Time!

[cannabis campbell]

Yes its that time again, post some of your best jokes here.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist


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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

I thought that one was fucking hilarious!!!!! ^^^ LOL

[twoguysupnorth]

nice, liked them all.

[cannabis campbell]

ty :D

[cannabis campbell]

bump.

[ghosty]

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

__________________________________________________ _______________

So this nurse walks into a bank to deposit, walks up to the teller and says "I'd like to deposit this check." The teller says "Sure, just sign right here." The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer, pauses for a second then goes wide eyed and says "Oh no!" "Is something wrong?" the teller asks, to which the nurse explains "Some asshole got my pen!"

[logie_boy]

The new emo pizza!!!

It cuts its self



how many emos does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

3! one to screw it in...and 2 to write a poem about the old one

[cannabis campbell]

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

__________________________________________________ _______________

So this nurse walks into a bank to deposit, walks up to the teller and says "I'd like to deposit this check." The teller says "Sure, just sign right here." The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer, pauses for a second then goes wide eyed and says "Oh no!" "Is something wrong?" the teller asks, to which the nurse explains "Some asshole got my pen!"

LMFAO!

[cannabis campbell]

Yeah i heard that one before haha

[Mississippi Steve]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[slipknotpsycho]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=u2w4-Y5u-sw

[slipknotpsycho]

yeah that is a good one... rep for you ^^

[cannabis campbell]

Im sorry but im slow today i dont get the joke cats cant stutter??? so i dont get it :(

[Nation_1ne]

Im sorry but im slow today i dont get the joke cats cant stutter??? so i dont get it :(

It wasn't stuttering, it was hissing. The girl was assuming it was going to say Fuck, and the teacher didn't expect it because of her innocence.

[slipknotpsycho]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zDc-isaLXjc&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IKZJM737Zl0&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gsvV-sa6kXQ&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=joylAVP6v5M&mode=related&search=

part 1 -http://youtube.com/watch?v=ks-U9NOdGh8
part 2 -http://youtube.com/watch?v=ybzInni1HJ8

[slipknotpsycho]

Im sorry but im slow today i dont get the joke cats cant stutter??? so i dont get it :(

when a cat gets scared /hisses it does this little fffff fffff fffff thing... (just make the f sound really fast repeatedly...)

[cannabis campbell]

It wasn't stuttering, it was hissing. The girl was assuming it was going to say Fuck, and the teacher didn't expect it because of her innocence.

ooh i get it now lol :) thanks for helping a stoner in need! :stoned:

[cannabis=freedom]

(Not a racist joke in any way:......)

A Canadian tourist, Tom, goes exploring China and he gets really, really lost in the woods; he goes about two days without eating until he comes by this little house. He knocks and an old Chinese man answers it; Tom asks to stay because he's really hungry and tired.

The old man says "Alright, but you can't sleep with my granddaughter." Rolling his eyes, Tom agrees, but the old man says "I warn you, if you do, you shall suffer the three worst Chinese torture tests known to man." Tom still agrees, and he goes in and eats....the old man's granddaughter is the hottest girl he has ever seen in his whole life! She's a fucking fox, so that night Tom goes to her room and they fuck. They keep the noise down, and Tom reckons they got away with it...he goes back to his room on the second floor.

Tom wakes up the next morning with a weight on his chest, and he sees that it's a 50 lb rock. On it is a note that says "Chinese torture test #1: 50 lb rock on chest"

"This is lame," says Tom, and he goes and throws the rock out the window. As it's falling, however, Tom sees a note on the other side: "Chinese torture test #2: Left testical tied to rock".

"Oh, shit!" says Tom; it's too late to catch the rock, so he jumps out the window after it; it's only the second floor. As he's falling, Tom sees a sign on the wall: "Chinese torture test #3: Right testical tied to bedpost."

[slipknotpsycho]

well not all cats, and they don't always do it, but i know what he's talking about.. .it's kinda something you just have to hear.. iw as trying to youtube it but i can't find it...

but lol... !! MOTORCYCLE KITTIE!!!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=H-0O4teYCUU

[cannabis campbell]

LOL if i had one that sounded like that i would take it for a tune up!

[cannabis campbell]

(Not a racist joke in any way:......)

A Canadian tourist, Tom, goes exploring China and he gets really, really lost in the woods; he goes about two days without eating until he comes by this little house. He knocks and an old Chinese man answers it; Tom asks to stay because he's really hungry and tired.

The old man says "Alright, but you can't sleep with my granddaughter." Rolling his eyes, Tom agrees, but the old man says "I warn you, if you do, you shall suffer the three worst Chinese torture tests known to man." Tom still agrees, and he goes in and eats....the old man's granddaughter is the hottest girl he has ever seen in his whole life! She's a fucking fox, so that night Tom goes to her room and they fuck. They keep the noise down, and Tom reckons they got away with it...he goes back to his room on the second floor.

Tom wakes up the next morning with a weight on his chest, and he sees that it's a 50 lb rock. On it is a note that says "Chinese torture test #1: 50 lb rock on chest"

"This is lame," says Tom, and he goes and throws the rock out the window. As it's falling, however, Tom sees a note on the other side: "Chinese torture test #2: Left testical tied to rock".

"Oh, shit!" says Tom; it's too late to catch the rock, so he jumps out the window after it; it's only the second floor. As he's falling, Tom sees a sign on the wall: "Chinese torture test #3: Right testical tied to bedpost."

lmfao that made me laugh!

[slipknotpsycho]

lol... man that would suck...

[Nightcrewman]

Grandma! Grandma! have you seen my LSD tablets?
No Johnny,but have you seen those purple dragons flying around the kitchen?


NCM

[REEFERDREAMZ]

LMAO..

Q. Why couldnt the blonde make the Kool aid?

A. She didnt know how to fit all that water in that little packet.

[REEFERDREAMZ]

This family lived back in the hills, way back.

One night the dad wanted a little puss from mama...

so he said, alright kids ..go onto bed now.

So their son and daughter went to bed,

they had to go through the parents room to get to theirs.

The boy decides to get up and get a drink and,he sees his dad n

mom, with her legs in the air.

The boy ask,

Pa, What are youn ma doin? His dad hops up and slaps him in the head,

dont you know nothing.

Your ma and I are having sex..see that hairy hole on ma, watch me go !

A few minutes later his little sister gets up she is thirsty, she asks her

brother who is still watching...

What are they doin?

Brother slaps her in the head and, says dont you know nothin.

Their having sex.

See that hairy hole on PA.. watch me go... LOL

[twoguysupnorth]

here's a heart warming story about a bond between a little 5yr. old girl and some construction workers.
a young family moved into a new house, next to a vacant lot. then one day a construction crew showed up and started building on the lot.
the little girl was interested and started spending most of the day watching what the crew was doing.
the crew sort of adopted the little girl as their mascot and chatted with her and gave her little jobs to do so she would feel important.
at the end of the week they even gave her an envelope containing 10$ for the work she had done. the girls mother suggested that she take it to the bank and start a savings account with her earned money.
at the bank the teller was impressed too and asked the little girl how she had came to earn the money at such a young age. the girl replied that she had worked with the men on the house in the vacant lot next door.
the teller was surprised and asked her if she would be working with the men again this next week?
and the little girl replied " i will if those assholes at the home depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock"

[cannabis campbell]

This family lived back in the hills, way back.

One night the dad wanted a little puss from mama...

so he said, alright kids ..go onto bed now.

So their son and daughter went to bed,

they had to go through the parents room to get to theirs.

The boy decides to get up and get a drink and,he sees his dad n

mom, with her legs in the air.

The boy ask,

Pa, What are youn ma doin? His dad hops up and slaps him in the head,

dont you know nothing.

Your ma and I are having sex..see that hairy hole on ma, watch me go !

A few minutes later his little sister gets up she is thirsty, she asks her

brother who is still watching...

What are they doin?

Brother slaps her in the head and, says dont you know nothin.

Their having sex.

See that hairy hole on PA.. watch me go... LOL

Thats sick! lol!!

[REEFERDREAMZ]

.... Sick, and fucking hilarious ! ...lol :jointsmile:

[zino11]

a guy gets out of jail and only has forty cents to his name so he wants some puntang so he goes to the nearest hor house and asks whats the best thing i can get for 40 cents so they say it aint much but we got something so while he waits he hears a boom and the next thing he knows he sees the fattest ugliest chik around and he says fuck it im horny so he brings her to the room and starts fuckin her well into it he says damn girl your shit feels like sand paper, so she says hold on ill be back, when she comes back he starts goin at it again and is like man girl what did you do this feels much better she says when i was gone i went to the bathroom and fingered the scabs out

[cannabis campbell]

THATS SICK LOL! ^

[ceecee79]

Two Sisters- One a blonde

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town
so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive put after me and haul
it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 -
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here
so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".