The American Dream Revisited

[scream]

I wrote this today. Let me know what you think.

The American Dream Revisited
Everyday a kid gets his fix,
Two pills from the doctor takes away his twitch.
Tweak for the children,
Trips for the tired,
Weed for the lucky,
And Smack for the dieing.
They hook all them up,
And jail us for trying.
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.

[funky not a junky]

YES! I love poetry which mocks our government. Very nice, keep going

[make it legal]

awesome. I like it. You should keep it going.

[420marijuana420]

that was good rep plus

[Emmm]

The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.

fuckin pro.

make a song out of it.

[GreenLadyOfDankDowns]

The rhythm of the piece is muddled in a spot or two, but for the most part it is pretty good. It has strong imagery tied to strong emotions. You got what it takes, keep working on it. :jointsmile:

[scream]

thanks guys, here's take 2

The American Dream Revisited
Everyday a little boy gets his fix,
Two pills from the doctor erases his twitch.
Tweak for the children,
Trips for the tired,
Weed for the lucky,
And Smack for the dieing.
They hook all them up,
And jail us for trying.
The American dream?
You have to be joking.
I want whatever my country is smoking.

[Inferius]

Really good, but the take two didn't really improve where it was needed.
Try improving line 4 or 5, maybe have five rhyme with 7 and 4 with 3?

[GreenLadyOfDankDowns]

It's getting there. I think lines six and seven are the main problem. Other than that I really like this poem. Keep up the good work.:jointsmile:

[GHoSToKeR]

Nice, you've obviously got a talent here.. But I can't resist giving you some constructive criticism, hehe..

Like previous posters have said, the words are sound but the rhythm is a best suspect. The first two lines seem to be losely written in an iambic pentameter but then the following lines don't seem to follow any discernable meter at all. This gives a slight awkwardness to the rhythm of the poem and makes it difficult to follow. You don't have to know alot about the workings of poetry to fix this, just try and make sure that the over all rhythm of each line fits in. Do you listen to rap, by any chance?